Bloody MIL

[silenceisadistantmemory]

She's a walking apology. It's not even passive aggressive. When she asks which chair it would be ok to sit in, she really means it!

Only if you're having one.

May I have a shower please?

Everything is death and gloom and illness as well.

She's retired, loaded and physically ok for a woman her age.

ARGH!!!!

She probably just feels awkward in your house

Unsuprising really if the op is sitting round "on edge" judging everything she says & does. It doesn't sound like a place to relax and be comfortable in.

So how do I get her to relax? Serious question?

Can't cope with another three days of this.

Tempted to bake some happy cookies and not tell her what's in them

Her son holds his farts in when she's here.

Have you talked to her about it - 'please, just treat our house as your home' or similar?

Btw, you lot do know that I'm not actually telling her off?

Don't worry, our house has been magically transformed into something out of Pride and Prejudice (minus the silly frocks thankfully).

I'm ranting on here so I don't rant at her.

Thought that would be obvious- subtly is lost on here sometimes!

My MIL can be like this, less so over the last few years as she's relaxed a lot more around me. She's just so determined not to be in the way or get on anyone's nerves because she's spent her whole life trying to please everyone.

She stays with us over christmas so DH and I have a 'two drink top-up' rule where we keep her topped up enough to loosen up; a bucks fizz or two with breakfast, a couple of strong bloody mary's whilst cooking, wine with tea and a couple of Baileys before bed. Repeat as required. I maintain that this is why MIL and I get on; she's so much more relaxed a couple of drinks in.

So how do I get her to relax?

Be nicer to her? It must be painfully obvious that you are longing for her to leave.

She's not actually doing anything that wrong though.

Maybe you make her feel uneasy?

I'm like this in other people's houses. I was brought up to be VERY polite. Mainly because if I did not ask permission to do something as a child I got yelled at. I can see how annoying it is for you though. But that could be it...?

Her son holds his farts in when she's here

So how do I get her to relax?Serious question?
Get you DH to do it! He needs to say - Relax Mum, if you need anything whilst you're here just get it/ do it... It's irritating but try to be kind!

Cookies. Definitely. For both of you.

So basically I have to put up with it.

I have wine.

You sound intolerant and unkind. Maybe she feels like she's walking on eggshells. I bet she can't wait to leave.

Here's hoping!

I know what you mean. It's OK to ask if it's a good time to have a shower or where everyone likes to sit once. But after that it becomes draining.

My MIL does it. I thinks she was socialised that it was part of being feminine. Actually it even drives her side of the family bloody mad.

DH and I briefly considered inviting her to ours next year for Christmas today. He discounted it 2 minutes later after recalling how she'd mentioned you can't watch a sitcom without there being too much swearing - she'd watched one where they had used 'the B-word' Given neither of us could figure out what the fucking B-word was, we thought 2 days with us might kill her.

She means well but has a way of apologising for breathing in a way that makes you feel bad.

If she was helping herself to all your food, hogging the bathroom and using all the hot water and sprawled out in front of the tv on your sofa I guarantee you'd be moaning.

DH waits on her.

Yes, I'm clearly a horrible person. My own DM mucks in and helps, she'd never be so cold and distant as this.

Really do not understand why you'd be like this with your own family.

We have loads of food, two bathrooms and unlimited hot water.

You make her feel unwelcome by the sound of it OP.

I find it odd that she’s still asking. If she is staying, she should use the bathroom as she likes. I must say, my parents/pil do, there’s no asking if it’s ok to shower. For cups of tea etc, I offer constantly. It’s a statement, tho, or you do risk the to and fro of ‘Only if you are/if it’s n trouble’ bollocks. ‘I’m making tea: do you want one’ and if she starts with the fluffy ‘Only if you are’ then just reiterate the statement.

Possibly your own parents feel more comfortable in your house? I think my lot do. Is there a weird atmosphere and she feels obliged to ask before touching the bathroom door handle or something?

Yup, my MIL wouldn't tell me if she had milk and sugar in her tea in case it put me out. Even though I had them both out and it was wasting more time talking about it.

I asked DH in the end. 😂

Love her dearly.

*My own DM mucks in and helps, she'd never be so cold and distant as this.

Really do not understand why you'd be like this with your own family.*

Your DM is your DM. She has probably known you for longer than anyone else, and more intimately than anyone else apart from your DP. You only have to look on mumsnet to see how carefully MILs have to tread!

It's not just a female trait. All the males in my family respond to "would you like tea or coffee" with "whichever is easier". Come to that, so do all the older males I know.