Every god damn year!!!

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.

I didn't change my name when I got married and I don't go by Mrs. Why can't people (in laws) just get my bloody name right! It's not hard to address the envelope to John and Sarah is it?

I would never address a Christmas card to Shaun when their name is Sean, I'd make sure I'd got it right before posting. So AIBU to think this is just bloody rude and to tell the many offenders to get my name right in future or just don't include me in the card at all?

We’re not equal because we can choose to retain our name - whilst being pressured to change it, having mail addressed to our “proper” name etc. We’ll be equal (in this respect) when similar numbers of men change their name as women do, or when everyone automatically retains their own name.

I'm not really arsed if I get thrown under the bus and if you notice I did put it in quote marks...if you can think of a more appropriate phrase then please enlighten me?

I don't think my husband is sexist and as I'm the only one of us that's met him then I don't think it's unreasonable to believe my opinion holds the most weight! I've encountered more oppression of my decision on this thread than I ever have from him which is somewhat ironic no?

He doesn't 'allow' me to do anything, I do what I want, when I want, as does he.

It's not unreasonable IMO for him to prefer me to take his name, the same as it's not unreasonable for me to refuse. It was ultimately my decision to hyphenate it. The point of this thread was irritation at people using the wrong name on letters/cards, not criticise each other's personal decision on whether to take our husband's names surely?

pixie - I for one am not criticising your decision. I just think it's a shame that in your own words you grudgingly changed your name because he was adamant you should while he would not change his and, again in your own words, it pisses you off because people ignore that you even did that and just give you entirely his name anyway. I do think he sounds pretty sexist but, as iggi, pointed out, most of us are - years of social conditioning are just thrown off overnight.

are not thrown off overnight, obviously.

Mirialis Contrary to what Mrs Kittens seems to think, I absolutely think women have the right to choose their own name -

You appear to be struggling with basic English comprehension. Let me assist .
From my post 29/12

My own free choice to call myself Mrs Miss Ms or even Mr or Master if I wish. With No Law conferring any rights over me. No matter which I choose.

Contrary means 'opposite' . As you can see my belief that a woman has the choice to call themselves whatever they wish, is clearly stated. Therefore your belief that a woman has the right to choose her own name - far from contradicting my assertion, in fact concurs absolutely.

Your problem appears to be that I choose to take my husbands name. I wasn't oppressed , coerced or in anyway pressured. I simply wanted to.

And yes yes to Polkadotpixie and her statement that she has never felt such oppression for her CHOICE than she has on this thread. Those of us who have made this CHOICE have been made to feel like we are some kind of dumb unsophisticated 'little woman'. I find it deeply offensive that you can't accept that every woman has the right to make their own choice without an incorrect assumption that by doing so we are choosing subjugation.
It's simply the worst dictatorial type of feminism. I can call myself whatever I wish. It is the only thing I have control over with regard my name. I can not control what others call me. I can express my preference. The rest is up to them !

Mrs Kittens - it is you who has misunderstood.

You said, in a post directed at me, When I can accept your choice why are you so clearly unable to accept that mine is made of my own free will with the full knowledge of the connotations of that choice?

And still, in this last post you have told me again that I have a problem with you choosing to take your husband's name.

Please provide a quote where I have said you have made the wrong choice and I have a problem with it.

I do believe that all women should have the choice on what to call themselves; as such, this is contrary to your assertion that I do not believe this.

I do not think women who take their husband's name are "dumb unsophisticated people" (nice phrasing, btw).

That said, I don't think you are doing yourself any favours with your "You appear to be struggling with basic English comprehension. Let me assist" nonsense.

It’s stuff and nonsense to ever claim we make entirely free choices about things which are viewed as traditional in the society in which we grew up. Where’s that magic vacuum you’ve found to do this in?

Well Iggi, I think the whole concept of free will is an illusion but for the purposes of this discussion, I have never criticised women for taking their husband's name if they feel they want to.

Everyone should be "free" to "choose" whatever name they like, and to have others respect that choice and actually bother to use that name and not just any name they've chosen on your behalf.

The people who are showing that we don't really have a choice are the ones who are being told to suck it up and stop being ungrateful when people address us with Mrs. Husband's Name, even though that is not a name we have ever been known by. It is of course naive to think women actually have equality when it comes to names and titles in current society, let alone "free choice".

I agree with you.

Working within the parameters of there being no legal block to a woman choosing her name, I respect a woman's "free choice" to do as she wishes and have never criticised a woman for calling herself Mrs. Husband Surname.

However, stepping out of those constructed parameters.... whilst the vast majority of the women on here accept the fact that woman do not actually have the choice of what name other people wish to use for them (hence the "stop moaning, seriously bigger things worry about, stop being so ungrateful, bad manners, tough shit etc. etc.), they do NOT accept the idea that the name they have chosen for themselves comes from anything other than "free choice."

Thus Mrs Kittens is adamant she has called herself Mrs Kittens out of "FREE CHOICE", just as it seems to me that I have called myself Ms. My Name out of "free choice". Reality is, as you pointed out, there is not such thing as a "magic vacuum" in which we are able to make these choices.

And the fact that these threads come around again and again, and that women who are adamant it doesn't matter to them at all continue to comment on the subject again and again, shows that this is a very simple example of inequality.

If we existed alone we would not need a name at all. A name is a term of reference for the interaction with others, and if it is others who dictate what term of reference is used for you, it's quite clear you have no choice what your name is.

(also hungover still merry so happy to take responsibility for the impenetrability of my posts from yesterday and today)!

YABU. This is normal. How are they going to remember your unusual personal preference when doing 50+ Christmas cards ......

"YABU. This is normal. How are they going to remember your unusual personal preference when doing 50+ Christmas cards ......"

Same way as
a) one remembers the other names and addresses. Keeping an up-to-date address book (whether on paper or on device) is the easiest way to do this. You can update name changes, new babies, deaths, house moves as they happen.

b) same way as they remember your name at times other than Christmas. Address book helps with allmcorrespondence.

It really isn't that difficult to get someone's name right.

Right being the name they use, of course. Not something you idiosyncratically think they should use instead of their actual name.

JaffaCakes - firstly the OP was talking about her in-laws, who really should no what a member of their family is called.

Secondly, people are welcome to send 50+ cards out if that's what they wish to do, they should just be aware that if they can't be arsed to get the name right, some of those cards will not be pleasantly received and some will even go straight into the bin/recycling box. So a total waste of time and money for them. Hey, it's their CHOICE though.

I've just ordered something on line and the only options for title were ms or mr.
I agree with this 100%.
Ok so you maybe a doctor or a dame but you are either ms or mr when it comes down to it.
My dd asked the other day when I was filling out a form, why is there only one box for males yet several for females?
Good point I said and went into a semi rant about patriarchy.
Reading this thread women are still justifying their surname chick with words such as my maiden name wasn't nice etc.
I've never heard a man say this.
Do people with awful surnames only ever give birth to females? Really?

I've heard some god awful male names and thought wtf?

I'm not married, if I wanted to be I'd have had a mammoth battle with MIL about whose wedding it is exactly been married I would have organised one. I couldn't be arsed for above reasons so we're not. It's been 20 years now. Eight xmases ago we had our first dc. Some time soon after that I gave my IL's their card from my parents, it said Mr. and Mrs. Smith. FIL opened it and gave it straight back to me. Inside it said To Scaredy & Bob. WTAF. I was so embarrassed, so many levels of stupidity had happened and was felt, even though I had done nothing wrong or infact nothing to warrant this behaviour. Over the following years I started getting cards from DM's extended family, funnily enough those non judgy Xtian types who are so witty and funny /s, all changing my name to Mrs. Smith. For several years I put up an every god damn year FB post yes I'm that rude, but not as rude as them as xmas cards, no other types, arrived addressed to Mrs. Smith, upset SIL, which gave me the opportunity to explain that she had chosen to marry and become Mrs. Smith and I had chosen to not marry and not become Mrs. Smith, big difference. Yet the Mrs. Smith cards kept coming. It can be confusing for bigots to not understand how to call somebody by their own name and bigots really should get their heads out of their arses TBH. I have learnt an important lesson this year. It is that people who scream and shout about how you shouldn't be so sensitive are actually protecting their own feelings that they are in the wrong and they are the ones who shouldn't be so sensitive and be the ones to suck it up.