Every god damn year!!!

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.

I didn't change my name when I got married and I don't go by Mrs. Why can't people (in laws) just get my bloody name right! It's not hard to address the envelope to John and Sarah is it?

I would never address a Christmas card to Shaun when their name is Sean, I'd make sure I'd got it right before posting. So AIBU to think this is just bloody rude and to tell the many offenders to get my name right in future or just don't include me in the card at all?

Polkadot are you saying you double baralled when you married and your dh did not? Bollocks to that.

It’s almost 2018. How is it still the case that women are expected to do this, and worse, enjoy public declarations of their marital status that men are not expected to make?

and this is your problem. ! Nowhere have I ever stated that women are expected to do this.
It is their choice. A choice that you seem to want taken away from me whilst denigrating my choice as outdated , old fashioned and anti-feminist.
Why is it 'worse ' that I enjoy a public declaration of my marriage. Are you implying I should be ashamed of it ??Yes I am proud to be married to my DH just as he is proud to be married to me .

I cannot get my head around your thought process Titty . I was under the impression that feminism was about women's rights. My right to vote being as valid as my right not to vote. My right to self determination. My right to choose all aspects of my life, not having those choices made for me by a man.
It appears I am wrong. If left to some on here, my right to call my self Mrs Jane Kittens /Mrs Oliver Kittens would be removed and I would be required to call myself Miss (which I hate ) or Ms (Which I dislike even more )
In this scenario I have less rights than I currently do , which is bonkers.

Feminism is about EQUAL TREATMENT of women. A society where the expectation on marriage (as demonstrated by this thread of nothing else) is that women will change their names and titles while men change nothing is NOT EQUAL!

The assumption is that a woman would do something while a man will not.

Get it?

So no, not about your right to be Mrs, but about the right of others not to be.

I am proud to be married to my DH just as he is proud to be married to me

That’s great. Does he announce it every time he introduces himself to anyone?

Mrs Kitten's - you've contributed a lot of words to a thread on a subject that "matters not one jot" to you

In general I do think the phrase 'snowflake' to describe younger generation's taking offence and being mollycoddled is a valid one.

However, writing to someone using a name other than that they wish to be known as to me is outdated- if A and B are a couple, then Mr A and Mrs B Name is to be the correct for of address, or Miss B and Mr A if they both use their birth surnames. Or just use their first names (or the name they use).

*Feminism is about EQUAL TREATMENT of women. A society where the expectation on marriage (as demonstrated by this thread of nothing else) is that women will change their names and titles while men change nothing is NOT EQUAL!

The assumption is that a woman would do something while a man will not.* Get it ?

Yes Titty . I do 'get it' I have got it for many years. I CHOOSE to take my husbands name. As is my right.
He could have chosen to take mine. There is no law to prevent him. Therefore we are EQUAL already and it simply boils down to my individual right.
If the law states that I had to take his, then a. Your argument would be valid and b. I probably wouldn't have taken his name as object to being told what I can and can't do by anyone.

Mirialis -yes I have contributed a lot of words to a discussion about my rights. An issue I feel quite strongly about actually. The issue I care not one jot about is how someone addresses an envelope to me containing a Christmas card, but that discussion has moved on.
Despite , apparently being unable to distinguish when I am being unwittingly subjugated by my choices, I am still able to discern a shift in focus during the course of a discussion.
Or are women's rights only valid 'rights' when they concur with your beliefs ? Or perhaps your comment was a not so thinly veiled criticism designed to get me to say 'yes of course you are right. I should not have the right to choose my own name because of past connotations and the inability of others to distinguish between then (oppression , no choice, women as property enshrined in law) and now. (My own free choice to call myself Mrs Miss Ms or even Mr or Master if I wish. With No Law conferring any rights over me. No matter which I choose. )
When I can accept your choice why are you so clearly unable to accept that mine is made of my own free will with the full knowledge of the connotations of that choice. ?

"! Nowhere have I ever stated that women are expected to do this.
It is their choice."

Well, actually, you've implied it quite heavily by saying that women shouldn't get upset about being called Mrs DHname. It isn't really "choosable" if the expectation is that you do change name and even if you don't, most people ignore that fact!!! The fact that this happens all the time demonstrates that women are in fact STILL EXPECTED to change their name.

This isn't about law, it's about the default expectations of society, which are still sexist. In many ways, not just naming. It's not that hard to recognise that, surely?

When I can accept your choice why are you so clearly unable to accept that mine is made of my own free will with the full knowledge of the connotations of that choice. ?

What the fuck are you on about Mrs Kittens?

Oh yeah guys, feminism's about all the lovely free choice we have, remember???

I kept my maiden name when I married. I fail to get irritated by being called my husbands name. Seriously if that's all you have to worry about then ..... it's just convention

Now Christmas is over, I am going through all the cards sent to me to double check the names against my database. If there are any couples that are married and have different surnames I will make sure I mark this so I am aware for next year. Then when I send them a card to Mr & Mrs X I can check to see if they post a whiny thread on Mumsnet

it's just convention

so if it was a convention to pay men more than women that would be okay?

It’s an outdated and sexist convention that should not be accepted in 2018!

Seriously if that's all you have to worry about then .....

I know. I'm so blessed not to have any worries in life whatsoever! Maybe you're right and as soon as a problem comes my way, or if I dare open a newspaper, I'll suddenly realise how silly it is to want people to refer to me by my actual name and not one of their choosing.

No, he didn't add my name to his. It's just me that double barrelled mine.

He's not sexist but is very scathing about feminism as he firmly believes we are already equal (if not privileged in comparison) to men and it is surplus to requirements

He's a good guy but just has some weird ideas!

He’s a fucking sexist idiot.

And you facilitate him.

Women are priviledged how, exactly?

Pixie - he was adamant that you, as a woman, had to do something that he, as a man, refused to do too and somehow has you convinced that he had made a compromise and that his stance wasn't sexist. Contrary to what Mrs Kittens seems to think, I absolutely think women have the right to choose their own name - what a shame that you had to begrudgingly take a name you didn't really want in order to satisfy a man who seems to be pretty ignorant on the question of privilege and equality, and who believes his feelings trump yours when it comes to your name.

He made it clear to you before marrying that he was sexist when he wasn’t happy about you keeping your own name.
My dh is sexist about certain things. So am I - years of conditioning are hard to overcome. But we don’t just get to redefine sexism to mean “not like my dh as he’s quite nice and I love him”.

Excellent point Iggi.

I do think he's wrong about feminism, don't get me wrong! He's not domineering or sexist within our relationship, I pretty much 'wear the trousers' so to speak and I've never seen or heard him be derogatory towards a woman based on her sex or I'd call him out on it

I felt I had to give in somewhat as he wasn't really bothered about getting married and mainly did it for me so I compromised on the name front

I pretty much 'wear the trousers'

He lets you wear trousers? You’ll be telling us he lets you drive next!

Oh dear 🤦‍♀️ ‘I pretty much wear the trousers’
I wear skirts a lot, I also wear trousers, shorts and dresses. All whilst simultaneously making the majority of the decisions within our household. You cannot use sexist sayings to discuss sexism, you really will be thrown under the bus!

That said I’m not sure why there’d be the need for compromise etc on your name? If you didn’t want to take his name then don’t, if you did then great. What I don’t get is allowing anyone to dictate this?
I took my husbands name, it was my choice and I wasn’t fussed on my maiden name. Myself and our two Dc had my maiden name prewedding so it probably would have been easier to just change his. However my maiden name isn’t attractive and if it were a ‘pretty’ one maybe I’d have wanted to keep it.

I don’t think feminism has one iota to do with it. We are now equal in this way. Some of the old folks are still set in their ways but they’ll die out sooner or later. We now have the choice. It is up to us who’s name we take. Whether we keep ours, double barrel or change to DHs, and vice versa whether they change, keep or double barrel it.