Every god damn year!!!

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.

I didn't change my name when I got married and I don't go by Mrs. Why can't people (in laws) just get my bloody name right! It's not hard to address the envelope to John and Sarah is it?

I would never address a Christmas card to Shaun when their name is Sean, I'd make sure I'd got it right before posting. So AIBU to think this is just bloody rude and to tell the many offenders to get my name right in future or just don't include me in the card at all?

"You are a married woman so it is the correct title"

No, it isn't, and especially not if you keep your own name, that's just weird, I'm not (and cannot be) Mrs MySurname. My LEGAL NAME is myname mysurname and my title is Ms.

Plainlycrackers you are plainly crackers. ! You MUST be agitated and darn right up in arms about the issue. CBA is not good enough.
To be anything other than very angry about this is tantamount to wishing to go back to a time when you were 'property'. No more , no less.

Forget all the stuff you and your family have to do to get ready for Xmas, sit yourself down, pick up the phone and have a jolly good row with those bastards who sent you a Christmas card. Do it now ! Do not let such an effrontery pass without 'calling it out'

The actual correct title for a specific woman is the one she wishes to be known by

Well not really, as there are a lot of titles you might want to be known by by doesn't mean you are allowed to use them. In this case the relatives are being old fashioned and stuck in their ways. It doesn't mean they are deliberately trying to hurt anyone.

Perhaps it would be better if DH had a word and told them to only send Christmas to him if they feel unable to use the name the op wants.

😂 kittens my mum gets really hot under the collar when people use the old school Mrs H Surname where H is my dad’s first initial (but not hers) when sending her letters! Personally if people get stuff wrong I don’t feel slighted by it, my opinion of them just lowers a notch. CBA to sweat the small stuff I guess. I suppose I might feel differently if I had slogged long and hard for an M.D.., but then again my mate who has one doesn’t use it at home, she’s Mrs Jones at home & Dr Smith at work. Anyway back to my present wrapping and my wine🤪

I love this. I’ve only read the first 5 pages.

A woman who wants to be addressed by her name rather than her husband’s is almost universally dismissed as needing to suck it up.

But get -a man’s- someone’s pronouns wrong and you’re a bigot.

Fair point Julie as anyone using a title to mislead about actual qualifications or membership of aristocracy would indeed be wrong.

So with that caveat in mind, the previous statement "The actual correct title for a specific woman is the one she wishes to be known by" needs to be expanded to add "provided it does not misrepresent her qualifications or aristocratic style"

It's still wrong to address a woman as if she has changed her name on marriage because you think she should have done so.

But they are not calling you by the wrong name, they sent the card to their son Mr J Smith and you, his Mrs.

By that logic my parents should refer to DH, my Mr, as Mr Myname.

DH actually spent our honeymoon being referred to as Mr Myname (because I had booked it). Illustrated why I wasn’t changing my name perfectly and he’s the first to defend me when his relatives/friends/colleagues get it wrong.

Well yeah precisely . Of it's about time and ease and it being too much to remember why is it not ever addressed to "Mrs and Mr wife's name"

@Gileswithachainsaw that's actually a very good point, especially as my surname is only 4 letters and Dhs is 9. So it'd be much quicker to write Mr and Ms Me than Mr and Mrs Him.

DH just reminded me that they did once txt me to check my step dads surname for a Xmas card as they wouldn't want to only put my mums name on it, he might not be comfortable being called by her surname.

I’m going to make life much easier next year by just addressing every male as “Bob”.

This is why Christmas cards are a bad idea.

Scrap ‘em and save the trees.

Text your good wishes instead; texts are never taken the wrong way...

Kittens what would we do without such a wit as yours? If only the suffragettes had had a bit more of a larf they wouldn’t have needed to starve themselves.

I understand Op!! I didn't change my name yet I received a card from my sister addressed to DH and me with the SAME surname. I told her last year I didn't like it and IT IS NOT MY NAME when she did the same thing last year!😩😩

It is horrifying to me when fellow women try to inveigle their stupid way into us accepting crap, shitty, patriarchal norms!! My sister is a primary school teacher and that also horrifies me!

My goodness, Lady Bickens, you’re so disappointing to me. I for one certainly expect always to be known as Mrs. Hname - I didn’t hoik up that meringue and squeeze into a portacabin loo on the day of my wedding to change my fb name status for nothing! I find it really disrespectful that you don’t respect my choices - he’s my husband, I CHOSE to give up my name and take his, even if it is Fucnow, and I am honoured to do so. I wish you’d stop trying to trail me into your strident feminist debates - every woman’s got a choice you know, and you should stop telling people what to do.

I for one sometimes feel very alone in life, as if I’m not somehow in the same slipstream as all the other girls, and therefore I’m grateful for any card that both acknowledges I exist and gives me at least some humble position in wife to my husband, adjutant to his soul. Please stop trying to tar me with your over-capitalised brush. It’s not terribly well-mannered for one - but I forget myself - you may not have been well-brought-up?

I love being Mrs DHsurname. Feminism can go too far and alienate people to the cause.

Given feminism is about equal treatment of men and women. How, in any way, is it beneficial to women, singly or as a group, to continue a tradition that symbolises the legal ownership of women by men? How is it fair that there is almost never an expectation on men to consider changing their names and titles on marriage, but women are expected to do so unthinkingly (and do in their droves)?

Why is using “mrs” seen as such an achievement? It’s seriously depressing.

Definitely a statement, but one to be ignored.

My DC have hyphenated surnames, their GPs' cards are hand delivered and the cards actually say first name J instead of first name L-J.

Of course DH doesn't want to upset his parents, but that's not his kids names and it bugs me.

I wouldn’t see mrs as an achievement but if people genuinely think mr & mrs is outdated then shouldn’t marriage in general be outdated?

In order to get to Mr and Mrs a man need do nothing administratively. A woman needs to jump through all sorts of hoops. There are no expectations or horror about a man not announcing his marital status whenever he is introduced.

Mr and Ms can have a perfectly happy marriage without need for “obey” or name changes. I’d have preferred a civil partnership personally and am unhappy that it is not an option for hetero couples.

Feminism can go too far

Yeah! Pesky women wanting to be called by their actual names. How very unreasonable.

Actual name that is usually your father's name.
Main reason I changed my name at marriage was so that I had the same surname as dd.

"I wouldn’t see mrs as an achievement but if people genuinely think mr & mrs is outdated then shouldn’t marriage in general be outdated"

It is the only way of legally joining your lives as a heterosexual couple. Plus you don't need to be Mrs after marriage (although clearly some people think you do!).

Even if actual name came from your father, if you've had it since birth it's yours and puts you on the same footing as all other men who have the same name for their whole life!

I'm not averse to people changing their names - if you've got a horrible one it's quite nice to get the option of dumping it without going through the whole deed poll thing (and maybe offending your parents).
What I object to is that dc are given the default of dad's name even when mum's name is nicer and when mum and dad are not married and that women are routinely told to suck up being called by the wrong name. That's just rude!

Ah yes, women can’t possibly ever feel that they own their names.