Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
Messedupnotstressedup · 22/12/2017 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakout · 22/12/2017 07:15

I would have thrown him and his mates out during the night.
And called the police to help if he refused to leave.

No time in my life for men acting like knobheads.

Pouffealouffe · 22/12/2017 07:21

Perhaps I'm uptight compared to some PP but I'd be freaking out too! I hate having random drunk people in my house at the best of times but if you have to work tomorrow that's infuriating. I'd probably chicken out and send my DP a text asking wtf he thinks he's playing at.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:21

“Ask him how he is going to explain to A and E that his child has inhaled coke, because there may well be some still around, too small to see.”

Come on now! That’s a bit ridiculous! No one is going to end up in A&E because they “inhaled a bit of coke too small to see”’ !

pictish · 22/12/2017 07:22

I agree and I think there's a fundamental incompatibility in this relationship regarding their values, which will always make for uncomfortable bedmates imo. There will be dishonesty, unfulfilled promises and disappointment all round as they both want and expect different things from their partners.

You have those that can and will take this sort of event in their stride and those who...won't. No one is right or wrong...they just want, expect and have tolerance for different things. It won't end well.

pictish · 22/12/2017 07:23

"I would have thrown him and his mates out during the night.
And called the police to help if he refused to leave."

For example...this sounds utterly bizarre to me.

speakout · 22/12/2017 07:23

I must be uptight too.

Apart from the drugs - which would be a major issue- bringing home drunk strangers is not acceptable.

OP don't marry this man- you will regret it, and it will have a negative impact on your daughter.

Leyani · 22/12/2017 07:25

For me, that'd be well past my red line. Unknown males invited to my flat at night without checking with me, when I'm in my nightie and have been ill? Doing drugs? Not acceptable to me, and definitely not acceptable behaviour for a dad, regardless of child being away.

He'd be an ex, and find packed bags and a changed lock the next day.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:25

Come on now! That’s a bit ridiculous! No one is going to end up in A&E because they “inhaled a bit of coke too small to see”’

You’re probably right but I sure as hell wouldn’t want my small child anywhere near to class A drugs brought into their home by a parent, no matter how small the amount.

Calyx72 · 22/12/2017 07:26

I really feel for you Thanks
My ex H did this. Quite a lot but I don't have children. I hated it. He took the drugs with them (that was the only reason he would take folk back - so they would let him have drugs and drink).

I went to al-anon and learned to detach. That made a huge difference to how I reacted. After a year I decided I didn't need to put up with his shenanigans and we are now divorced and I am so happy.

My advice is get to al-anon or even just look at assertiveness training on the internet and look up al-anon literature as well, if you can't go to meetings or don't want to. Assertiveness will help you.

I also feel he cares more about drink and drugs than you (sorry) but I could be projecting from my past. I think you need to not marry him and get him to leave.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:26

“Apart from the drugs - which would be a major issue- bringing home drunk strangers is not acceptable.

OP don't marry this man- you will regret it, and it will have a negative impact on your daughter“

They’re not strangers, they’re his colleagues!

Selfish yes, but who hasn’t said “everyone back to mine”, after a few shandies?
There were no kids in the house at the time!

And you’re telling the OP not to marry him?

A negative influence on her daughter? Hmm

Over reaction much?

Celticlassie · 22/12/2017 07:27

I'm not sure the police would help throw someone who is not being violent or abusive out of their own Flat, or throw out their friends, that they had invited in.

I'd be mildly pissed off too, OP, but more for the lack of consideration than anything else and I'd have to get over it. My DH has the right to invite anyone he wants back to his own home. The drugs obv are a different matter, however.

MayhemandMadness01 · 22/12/2017 07:29

Although they dont deserve it, can you remind them to text / ring their partners to let them know that they are safe.

The drugs thing would be a deal beaker for me.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:29

MsGameandWatching...... there were no kids in the house. I’m presuming the party would have been cleaned up the next day.

If your stand point is so strong you may never want to take your children into public loos again!

I’m not saying it’s ok for people to be taking coke in the OPs house if shes against it. I’m just saying your argument is a bit dramatic!

Johnnycomelately1 · 22/12/2017 07:29

I’d be fucked off about

  • the drugs
  • smoking in the house
  • getting woken up at 3am when I was ill/ had work the next day/ was struggling with mental health.

So it was selfish of him to bring people back knowing those are the circumstances. We also live in an apartment and it does feel more intrusive to have randoms crashing about because you tend not to have that delineation of ‘living space’ and ‘sleeping space’ that you have in a house.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/12/2017 07:29

I'm not sure many posters are minimising. The thing is many of us are saying we'd be annoyed, furious etc, we're describing a very different reaction to the Ops which was quivering, crying and unable to speak, all before the 3 hours of noise and the drug taking. That's an unusual reaction and I think most of us are trying to tease out why there was this high level of anxiety at that early point. The Ops further updates have probably painted a clearer picture of course though I think she herself may not be fully seeing the connection between her partner and her anxiety levels generally.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:31

I’m not saying it’s ok for people to be taking coke in the OPs house if shes against it. I’m just saying your argument is a bit dramatic!

But that’s exactly what happened so why do you keep trying to justify it?

speakout · 22/12/2017 07:33

They’re not strangers, they’re his colleagues!*

Of course they are strangers.

The OP doesn't know them.

PiffleandWiffle · 22/12/2017 07:34

I've come home with mates spontaneously, my kids have done it too - sometimes it just happens when you're having a good time & don't want it to stop.

I wouldn't be happy about the drugs, but what's the impact for you anyway? Once they're gone, the drugs are gone - unless your BF is going to take that as a signal that he can do them openly in the house, he's obviously been doing them anyway.

Have a chat with him this morning, but a calm one otherwise you won't get taken seriously if you're "quivering" etc....

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:36

GandW I’m notHmm have you read my posts in full?

My point was, that you’re talking about not wanting your children around the tiniest bit of coke (that no one can see), but those trace amounts will be in almost every public toilet in the U.K.!

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:38

I’m sorry but I just can’t agree that doing coke on a public toilet cistern that no one would go near anyway is the same as a person doing it the family home. If you can’t see the difference I am not sure what else to say.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:41

But you were talking about not wanting your kids round even the tiniest amount that no one could see (which is what I’m referring to, not them walking in on their daddies mates chopping out a fat one on the breakfast bar!) , that’s in toilets all the time?

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:42

I’m not saying they are the same! Im just referring to what you have stated isn’t acceptable.

twiney · 22/12/2017 07:44

You're overreacting. I would be pissed off but would swallow that reaction because it is a bit OTT. It's Christmas so he prolonged his night out by inviting 2 mates back.

The coke you may not like but a lot of people do, and as you say they just continued the night with a few cans and chatting about work. Its not like he had 10 people over and amped the sound system up.

Its his home too and if he wants to have a pair of mates over he's allowed.

I would however have expected a warning text before be arrived, and would be asking him to do that in future.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:45

You’re probably right but I sure as hell wouldn’t want my small child anywhere near to class A drugs brought into their home by a parent, no matter how small the amount.

No, that’s what I said. Are you reading my posts? See how I qualified that I did not wish my children to be around coke in their home, even the smallest amount.

Out of interest, do you take class A drugs in the family home? Do you or have you ever lived with someone who does?

Swipe left for the next trending thread