Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
AstridWhite · 22/12/2017 07:48

Crying and shaking with anxiety because you thought they might be very noisy burglars is ridiculous. YABU on that score, given that you were fully expecting the front door to open and your DP to arrive home at some point.

Being highly irritated that he's brought friends home late when you are trying to sleep and the flat is a tip, well yes I think that's a fairly reasonable way to feel, although it is his home too, he should be able to bring friends without needing ask permission, but I get why it would rankle.

But the doing coke thing, in your living room, YADNBU and I would be fucking livid, especially as it means they will be awake for hours laughing too loudly at their own jokes and being really annoying twats full of their own importance.

But then I would not be living with a man that took coke anyway. I certainly wouldn't be having children with him.

Afreshturkeyplease · 22/12/2017 07:49

Op have they gone yet?

VeganIan · 22/12/2017 07:50

How did your DP know that you'd hadn't spent the evening cleaning up? He was prepared to bring drunk coke heads into your spotless-for-Christmas flat so they could leave it trashed and stinking of fags FFS. That alone demonstrates how utterly selfish he is.

speakout · 22/12/2017 07:52

veganism- I agree. The place will stink for days of fags.

OP how long has lover boy been living with you?
Is this your flat- did he move in?

YellowFlower201 · 22/12/2017 07:52

I would have been fuming if my DH did this on a school night knowing I'm ill. Inconsiderate and rude to not text to warn. I would have asked them to leave.
I agree with a pp contact al-anon or consider assertiveness training. If you don't like something say it. Don't expect ppl to mind read when you come and get the cats. I would have taken that to mean you're perfectly fine with it all.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:53

And you also said

“Ask him how he is going to explain to A and E that his child has inhaled coke, because there may well be some still around, too small to see“

Do I take class A drugs in the family home? Nope.

Do I live with someone that does? Nope.

Have I ever? Well it depends what you mean by family home? If a home where I live with kids in it, then no .

But just out of curiosity, do you think coke is worse than alcohol?

ethelfleda · 22/12/2017 07:53

But then I would not be living with a man that took coke anyway. I certainly wouldn't be having children with him

OP said she hasn't been around class A drugs at all since uni so presumably her partner doesn't take them!

Agerbilatemycardigan · 22/12/2017 07:53

I wouldn't be thrilled at being so rudely woken up by my OH and his mates, especially if I wasn't feeling too well, but as long as it wasn't a regular thing I'd try not to stress too much about it.

Yes, it's fucking inconsiderate, and yes, they're rude bastards for commenting on your home, but the fact that they've brought drugs into your family space is definitely taking things to another level. Cocaine is prevalent where I live, and have seen the consequences - physical and financial. It may be a one-off for your OH, but there is definitely a conversation to be had with him on your own, and when he's clear-headed.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 07:54

And can I just point out in general...... the coke doesn’t seem to be the main part of the OPs anxiety / annoyance. I don’t think she’d be feeling much better if that part was removed from the night.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:55

Ask him how he is going to explain to A and E that his child has inhaled coke, because there may well be some still around, too small to see“

I did not say this. Another poster did. Perhaps you should be addressing your posts to them?

ethelfleda · 22/12/2017 07:55

And this whole 'its his home too so he should be able to bring people back without checking' is a load of crap. Of course he should check if it's ok out of courtesy. Just like the OP should also if the tables were turned.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:58

Do I think coke is worse than alcohol?

I think it edges it out, yes, having had a husband who used both and also for a myriad of reasons that I won’t go into here. In no small part because you don’t actually seem to have a grasp on who said what at this point in the convo anyway so it’s all getting rather tedious anyway.

Mumsymcmumface · 22/12/2017 08:01

And this whole 'its his home too so he should be able to bring people back without checking' is a load of crap. Of course he should check if it's ok out of courtesy. Just like the OP should also if the tables were turned.

Really??

I guess this shows the different way people treat their homes. No way would I live with someone who made me check it was ok to bring a couple of mates back to my own house.

RestingBitchFaced · 22/12/2017 08:06

He has no respect for you OP. He knew it would wake you up, and you have to work early and are ill but he doesn't care. He sounds very selfish, don't marry him

ShoesHaveSouls · 22/12/2017 08:07

No, I wouldn't be happy about this, not at all. Luckily we live far out, so unlikely to happen after a works night out.

I'm fairly relaxed about a bit of recreational drug use, but bringing mates back to do drugs in your home, where you live with children, is just not something you do IMO.

YouTheCat · 22/12/2017 08:08

Everything else aside, he's a selfish wanker. He knew the OP isn't that well and that she has to get up for work. Fair enough at the weekend (or whenever days off are) but mid week is a bit disrespectful and shit.

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2017 08:08

Bringing people home in the middle of the night is just not something we do so it would be unacceptable to me. It reminds me of being a student.

Aside from that, if bringing people back in the middle of the night is fine for someone, the level of disrespect from these people is not on. How dare they say your home is a shit hole, do drugs and smoke when you've asked them not to?

Gazelda · 22/12/2017 08:09

I'd like to think that my DH would be comfortable bringing mates back home after a night out. And i expect he'd feel similarly if I did the same.
Although it would irk me that it'd disturbed my sleep, I'd consider it a one-off Christmas event.
But the drugs and smoking in my home - no way! I'd be having a furious conversation in the morning and telling DH that any future drugs in my home would be a deal breaker.
But the more you reveal about your DP, the police, hospital visits etc on nights out. Well, that would have me rethinking the relationship.

MrsBertBibby · 22/12/2017 08:09

I'd have called the police.

6 year old kids don't need a coke head as a dad.

Eolian · 22/12/2017 08:11

Randomly bringing people back after a night out when you are young with no kids, fine. Doing so when your unwell dp and your child are in the house, not fine. Drug-taking in your child's home (or at all really) - totally unacceptable. I wouldn't have been anxious and crying though, I would have been livid and kicked them out.

Bubbaleo · 22/12/2017 08:12

I would feel very vulnerable in bed in my nightwear, feeling ill, if a bunch of noisy, drunken men came unexpectedly into my home, even if dh was with them. I think it's lack of respect, particularly about the drugs. Why do parents of young children do drugs anyway? WTF? In a few years dp is going to have to talk to ds about not taking drugs. Talk about hypocritical! Tell him to bloody grow up and clean the flat cos ds will be home later and you've been ill. Think very, very carefully before marrying him. Sorry to hear you're being treated like this OP, hope you feel better soonFlowers

Lethaldrizzle · 22/12/2017 08:12

Mumsy yes Really! If someones actions affect their partner in anyway then the partner has a right to know. The dhs actions in this case were hugely disrespectful and selfish . Him and his mates sound like utter arseholes. I'd be well pissed off being woken up in the middle of the night by a drunken bunch of guys (or girls). Your home should be your sanctuary.

ethelfleda · 22/12/2017 08:15

I guess this shows the different way people treat their homes. No way would I live with someone who made me check it was ok to bring a couple of mates back to my own house.

Even at stupid o'clock when you're partner is unwell and needs to get up for work, you wouldn't send so much as a text to check it's ok??

SoozC · 22/12/2017 08:15

Maybe I'm too straight-laced but I can't imagine DH having friends who do coke, let alone bringing people back to our home to do it. If that happened I would be livid. It's just not something I'm comfortable with.

The having people back for another drink thing would be acceptable though, I'd just ask them to keep the noise down if I was trying to sleep.

hollowtree · 22/12/2017 08:20

I think you are getting a load of unfair responses here OP! I would be livid. If my DH stùmbled in with drunk mates when I'm soundly sleeping they would be told to fuck right off there and then.

I wouldn't care if they thought I was overreacting, I would be furious. Then the drugs... they'd be out the door that instant or I'd really lose my shit