Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

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Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted )

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering . I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

If my husband woke me up with people round for Darjeeling and cucumber sandwiches I would be livid! It's just so selfish. You're not supposed to be selfish when you love someone.

I am also really surprised at the casual attitude to drugs. I am working class (liberal) and I don't know anyone who takes drugs nor have I ever witnessed it. Yes I would call the police if people were doing drugs in my home. Guess that makes me uncool and hysterical.

And another thing , drugs are not a jolly jape. They can cause long lasting damage to developing brains. So I won't be encouraging my dc to experiment "safely".

If my children have the same experience of drug taking as me and my friends did then i'll be happy. A moderate experimental phase when young, enjoyed but grown out of.

What if they don't and get hooked?
Will you be happy with that advice?
My advice to DS is to not even try smoking because before you know it you can be chained to life.

Coyoacan I live in Spain. The suffering that's inflicted on Mexico and to other Latin American countries by drug trafficking (which is ultimately driven by first-world idiots who want to get off and show how cool they are) is atrocious. I wish every time coke users did a bloody line at a party they would see the death and torture that has gone into it.

And yes, to all the PPs who happily say you or your friends/relatives take drugs and it's all right - you are DIRECTLY subsidising murder, torture, rape, kidnapping, and corruption in developing countries. Shame on you.

Lweji Put it really well.

Distance It is disgusting.

Yes, my advice would be the same. What if they become alcoholics? What if lots of things happen? I don’t know anyone who has become a drug addict. I know a few alcoholics tho, but it wouldn’t make me tell them to never have a sip of booze. Ime arming them with as much knowledge as possible and letting them know you are there if they need you is best.

When I went to uni there were some whose parents had told them one try of drugs and tgey’d be hooked/addicts etc. When they did try some and nothing bad happened it just made them think their parents were just talking well intentioned rubbish. They also felt they couldn’t talk to them about any of it because they’d be so misinformed and judgemental.

Are you seriously going to marry this loser OP? You’re actually worried about him going to the pub because he might drink too much if you’re not there which obviously leads on to other things because it happened the other night. He sounds like a moron. Marry someone that isn’t a moron!

To all the PPs that think OP is overreacting and are totally ‘cool’ about crap like that, congratulations I’m sure we’re all so happy for you. OP isn’t happy with behaviour like that in her relationship and therefore can act and deal with it how she sees fit. Get over it.

If my dp overreacted like that to me bringing a couple of friends back to my home, I'd be pretty pissed off with him.

The only issue I see is if you are v anti drugs & he knows it but I think all you can do is talk to him calmly about that when he's sobered up & feeling better.

It really wouldn't bother me, apart from the smoking inside & obv make sure there is a thorough clean to endure there's no trace of drugs. But what is going to happen because someone touches a door handle? His workmates are unlikely to be awful people, or no more awful than your dp.

It is shit when you feel ill & resentments are intensified but try to distance yourself from the situation for now as its getting to you so much it seems that it's in danger of ruining Christmas for your family. Hope you get past it

She is not in danger of ruining Christmas by being annoyed by her arse of a dp - he is. I can't get over how some people are quite up in arms over the smoking in the house and yet dismiss the class A drug taking.

Here is some knowledge to arm your children with MrsKoala

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/drugs/Pages/Dodrugsdamagebrain.aspx

buckeejit

I have to feel sorry for your partner if you think the problem is with the OP.

Yes, I won’t sugar coat it. I will tell them the dangers of everything, including drinking, driving, skiing, climbing etc

Youthecat- I’d be more annoyed about the smoking because the smell lingers and the house would need airing out.

This is a bit of a tangent I'll admit - if drug taking is no big deal in professional/middle class circles, are many of our politicians off their faces then?? That would explain a few things.

I don't think the main problem is with the op but different people have different attitudes to smoking, drinking, drugs. Personally I wouldn't get too worked up if it was a once a year thing & not excessive-most grown ups know the risks, but obv a lot of people are zero tolerance. Exactly how unreasonable he is being depends on how clearly you have communicated about these things previously & if you have agreed 'house rules'. I do think it's an overreaction to be upset about someone touching a door handle & anxiety over one issue is throwing every other thing out of perspective

If you have clearly set boundaries that he has broken here, then yanbu to LTB.

MrsKoala, I would love to hear what you have to say about the violence of the drugs trade; you've conveniently overlooked those comments on here about that. It's not just about addiction.

Neep, Brilliant!

what am I meant to say about the violence of the drugs trade? It’s bad? Of course it is. Do I think it will ever be stopped? Unfortunately no. Legalisation may be a way to go. Do I do drugs now I know about it all? No? Will I tell my children about it? Yes. Do I know other people who are hypocrites? Yes. Like porn it isn’t an industry I support, but I know people who do.

Yes, the smoke smells but I'd be much more concerned about any residue from the coke.

The fact is OP has been ill, had to go to work the next day and her dp should have respected her on this. She even tidied up after them.

MrsKoala, tell them about the hideous suffering caused by drug trafficking while you're at it, will you? Or is that too much of a bummer for your enlightened children?

Here, I did it for you:

www.nytimes.com/2017/11/20/world/americas/mexico-drug-war-dead.html

And yes, to all the PPs who happily say you or your friends/relatives take drugs and it's all right - you are DIRECTLY subsidising murder, torture, rape, kidnapping, and corruption in developing countries. Shame on you

Then your only objection is the supply chain?

Because I’d much rather drug users had legal access to drugs that are taxed and have a supply chain that can be audited.

Legalisation would end about 95% of the issues with ‘drugs’.

Yes I agree with that. I wouldnt have tidied up. I’d be pissed off if I was ill and needed to work too. I’ve said that. The broader discussion about what each of our personal boundaries are is different in that it’s just in a general. Again as I said above frequency would also be a factor in how annoyed I’d be.

My point is that it's people like your professional middle class friends who keep the drugs trade going.