Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

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Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted )

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering . I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

MrsKoala, drugs aren't "an industry". It's an entirely criminal, from beginning to end, based solely and exclusively on human suffering.

You can do ethical porn. You can't do ethical lines of coke.

Just putting the drugs thing aside.
How did you not go batshit on them? DP pulled this once and got no further than the porch.
I would have gone absolutely crazy at being woken at that time other than by my children, work in the morning or not.
If it was by a load of blokes looking to carry on a party at the expense of my sleep they would have been met by a screaming banshee. Disclaimer, I'm not rational if woken up, with no intention of learning to be either.

Legalisation would end about 95% of the issues with ‘drugs’.

Perhaps. But until drugs are legalised, drug trafficking are nothing but a cause of horrendous suffering to millions of people in developing countries who have in no way chosen to be involved in it.

No distance. I know you want to portray me as trying to be cool and not facing the facts, but I have said I will show them everything so I don’t know whay you are implying I won’t.

I won’t at the moment tho because my oldest is only 5 and we are just on democracy and ideology.

I don’t believe in ethical porn. So I disagree with that.

You don't believe that some women make porn of their own volition, with women writers, directors and producers (who, however, do exist - I have met them), but believe that drugs are an "industry".

Ok.

No. I don’t believe it’s ethical. My argument against porn is the sexualisation of images of women that perpetuates an idea of constant availability. I believe this is damaging to society as an insidious concept. While I also have sympathies to those individuals involved in the industry, it isn’t my main reason for not agreeing with it.

Of course drugs are an industry, just not a legal one. The Mexican cartels actually put a lot of money into rural infrastructure and fund many large-scale music events (I've researched this in my line of work). Women can also choose to do porn of their own volition. Doesn't mean both industries don't also have their faults. But the alcohol and cigarette industries are just as unethical, only difference is they're legal. They still profit off people's addictions.

What we're talking about here is a huge gulf in opinion and worldview, although I do agree with the PP who said frequency is a factor, and the fact he's been in trouble with the police before after being on a bender would understandably make you wary of him continuing to indulge. It sounds like his self control isn't great to say the least.

But I still stand by that, in itself, bringing friends round after a night out is an absolute non-event and if I was given a hard time for it in the absence of any other relevant circumstances (police etc) I'd be rethinking my relationship

Yes. I believe the term illegal industry is appropriate as a description for the drugs trade.

If I was at a party and people started snorting drugs among the vol au vents, I would leave immediately with my eyebrows raised to my hairline. If people start disapproving, maybe that would be the first step in curtailing the demand.

Surely no one serves vol au vents any more

Also, if we look a little closer to home, if you purchase and condone drugs you are also financially supporting paramilitaries in the U.K.

Oh MrsK vol au vents are so de rigeur at the mo' for sups. It's delightfully kitsch

If you have clearly set boundaries that he has broken here, then yanbu to LTB.

I agree with this. Which is why I’d be livid if DH and his friends smoked inside the house.

As for the ‘ethical line’ of coke.... yes, I don’t disagree with that. Which is why legalisation (and taxation!) is imo the obvious solution.

However.... people still continue to buy their MacBooks, IPads, sneakers, alcohol, coffee etc. But drugs (and fur...) are the one product where people suddenly freak out even though we do know what happened in idk, let’s take the Tazreen garment factory.

I’m not trying to be snippy and I agree, ‘whataboutery’ isn’t necessarily the best way to making a compelling argument.

But I really don’t understand why so many (not necessarily the posters on this thread) are this troubled by the impact of the drug trade. Selective outrage like that seems a bit hypocritical.

Personally Froshie, I am troubled about the impact of the drug trade on an individual level e.g. brain damage, personality changes, impact on family. I said I don't know anyone who had taken drugs but actually that was inaccurate. I do know a young person who unfortunately has suffered neurological damage due to taking legal (at the time) highs. It is such a shame and life will never be what it could have been for that person. So legalising drugs won't stop them harming people with all the consequences for the NHS etc. I am not a vegan and do wear supermarket clothes etc. so I take your point but yes, it is "whataboutery".

he is really keen to get married

i bet he is! Then he will have you well and truly under his control!
His bullshit attitude, behaviour and lack of consideration for you and his child won't change....being married will just make it harder for you to leave/get him out of your head and life.

Why do set such low standards in a life partner for yourself?

neep i definitely understand that. I myself don’t do drugs and drink very little (a few glasses a year) for similar reasons.

This was my response to those making the argument of ethics/the impact it has on certain countries and parts of society. As I said, it is whataboutery. But it simply feels hypocritical.

Anyhow, why would he want to get married? It doesn’t sound like he... well, cares. I agree, it does seem fishy, tbh..

bringing friends round after a night out is an absolute non-event and if I was given a hard time for it in the absence of any other relevant circumstances (police etc) I'd be rethinking my relationship

slothface but there are other circumstances.

1. The OP had to get to work in the morning

1. They don't have a house with enough space for people to party while someone sleeps undisturbed. They have a flat where the OP couldn't sleep because of the noise.

I spent most of my 20s partying - most of my friends I met through a party scene. I'm definitely not against people coming home after the pub! But if your partner has to work and you live in a small flat it just takes the piss.

Why are you glossing over this bit?

Please don't tell me you'd be OK with going to sleep in no sleep because others who had no consideration for you (and even called your place a shithole) kept you up all night?

Thanks all for the responses. So far I am standing my ground wrt my expectations of him, but part of me feels this was the straw that broke the camel’s back as it were. No matter how apologetic he is, I can’t get past his lack of respect.

Also re the drugs, I stand by the opinion that no parent should ever take them, even if the kids aren’t there at the time.

How was he over Christmas?

He stayed in on Christmas Eve and cooked Christmas lunch no problem, so no dramas there. I did have to wake him up to put the turkey in and I did the potatoes but other than that he sorted it all out.

It will take more than that to redeem himself though - I am trying not to fall into normal behaviour and just forget th situation, as no matter what he does the situation the other night can’t be undone and is just another one in a string of many.