Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

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Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted )

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering . I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

I am probably in the minority as DH comes home very late when he goes out. We live in Europe so it is the norm here. He has also come home with a friend before who crashed on the sofa because we live in the city and they couldn't get a taxi or missed their last but. Neither of those bother me but he does it knowing that it doesn't bother me.

However, bringing the party back to ours where the kids and I are sleeping, taking drugs in my house would be totally unacceptable and therefore he would never do it.

I would wait until they have gone and have a calm but firm discussion about your boundaries x

My husband did this once years ago I was asleep In bed then got woken up by loads of men's voices. It is really scary. I knew the people he had brought back they where so noisy and I was so angry as I couldn't get back to sleep I stormed in and told them all to shut up or fuck off they left soon after. He hasn't done it again. The drug thing totally not on and I couldn't stand it in my child house touching his things either.

Sorry you had this shock, OP. flowers

We were once woken by a violent argument in the middle of the night by neighbours and that was quite "disorienting" so know how you must have felt, especially if you are a little anxious and unwell.

Interested to see the gulf in PPs reactions to the drinking and the drug-taking. Granted one is illegal and one legal, so that has to be an important consideration.

However ... haven't we all missed the point that violence, criminality and health issues are all closely related to drinking just as they are with some drugs? So should we accept the alcohol so readily whilst LTB over drugs?

I'd be annoyed at being kept awake for so long and because you know that your partner will be useless tomorrow! I'm awake feeding the baby

I crossed out fiancé as I’m not so sure I really want him to be - we have been together years, lived together and have a child and have often discussed getting married so it’s not a situation where he has proposed as such, he’s just my fiancé as we were finally going to start planning the wedding but now I’m thinking it’s not the right time.

I can smell cigarette smoke now - when I went in for my charger I asked them not to smoke inside for obvious reasons. I will have to get up to get ready for work in the next hour so not sure how that’s going to work - I think I really need to kick them out soon.

What a piss take that they are still there! Arseholes.

I’d be annoyed at the drugs being brought into my house because of the kids. Apart from that though I don’t see the problem. Ok it’s inconsiderate and if he was doing it all the time I’d be fuming but a one off is no reason to LTB! A quivering mess over your DP bringing friends back? A slight overreaction there OP.

If I woke and heard voices I recognised (partners friends I know well) that’s one thing. Several strange men, in my house when I’m on my own, thats another.

I’d probably be anxious too. And I’d certainly not have been so polite if they were loud enough to wake you and were rude about your flat!

Your ‘D’P should have had the decency to tell them to be quiet at least, and the drug taking is another matter.

Have a word with him when he’s sobered up.

The have the right to be pissed off about the lines and the smoking , it's behaviour I'd not allow in my kids home , or indeed mine.

"He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later."

This is not something a person has 'form' for - midnight is an ordinary, if not early, time to come home from a night out.

So your dp brought some workmates home after a night out. I assume he lives there and it's his home...so he can invite people back if he likes, surely? If it's not a regular occurrence what's the problem? I sometimes end up at someone's house or invite people back to mine after a night out...that's normal isn't it? What's with all the upset over that?

Yeah I don't really see that its an issue to bring friends back, that can happen on nights out. Also you should have gone back to sleep OP!

The drugs and smoking aren't OK imo but here are a surprising amount of adults that seem to do this stuff.
The rest is normal imo

I would be livid! Not at DH staying out late/being drunk but at bringing friends home at night without telling me! I think you've been very restrained! I would have asked the men to leave (with icy politeness) and called them a taxi if they made a fuss. Then I'd put DH to bed on the sofa.

You don't have to put up with drunk/high strangers in your home at 3am.

The drugs would piss some people off. Everything else I couldn’t get worked up about.

He has gone out and come home with some friends - to his own home.

I might be slightly startled to be woken but once you realise it’s someone who lives in the house what’s the problem? He really shouldn’t need permission to bring people back to his own house , especially if he knows kids are out.

Thin abs like the phone just sound like looking for a reason to complain. Why is the charger in the other room if you are on 1%?

Honestly if my partner came in and made a deal about me bringing some friends home and then went on about it the next day in anything other than a jokey way I would be the one thinking I should ltb for being so controling.

If I was in a relationship where I had no leeway to invite people to my home on a whim after a night out for fear my partner would be angry about it and come through to kick them out, I'd end it. I'm not being rude in saying that...just telling the truth. If I want to say, "All back to mine!" I will. My dh wouldn't dream of trying to assume control over that...and neither would I!

Yanbu. If my oh came home drunk with his mates in the small hours and did coke in our family home it would be a deal breaker for me.
The smoking in the living room is disgusting and the remarks about your home aren’t very nice so I understand why that would upset you.

If he’d of brought them back to just carry on drinking and chatting I’d of let it go. It’s his home but imo the drugs pushed it too far

he’s staying with my mum so I can try and get prepped for Christmas/finish what I need to at work/clean and tidy my shit tip of a flat!

But DS is DP'S child? So why is your mum picking up the slack here? Why is DP not cleaning and tidying? Why is DP not doing childcare? Why is DP not supporting you in your paid employment? Engaging with Christmas prep which presumably is going to benefit him and his son?

That plus the drinking/drugs which is not normal or acceptable in my book makes 2 massive red flags.

Do you even like this man OP? Does he treat you with love and respect? It sounds like there are serious issues in your relationship that go way beyond this one incident.

If he's aware of your MH journey and acts like this then I don't know what to say really. It's not the actions of a loving and caring partner and I think you know that.

Zoop if you brought friends home would you expect your dh to ask them to leave with icy politeness?

I would be cross but if a one of i certainly wouldn’t cause a scene.

Your response, the quivering, stuttering, crying.... that’s rather OTT. In fact very OTT

Pictish I didn’t explain it too well sorry, it’s not about the time he comes back necessarily although sometimes it is the next day, more the fact that he repeatedly says he will be back earlier but doesn’t show up until much later, and has had a few involvements with police/hospital when drunk so it’s not what I’d call ‘normal’ night out behaviour.

I personally wouldn’t bring people back home spontaneously after a night out, especially on a week night as it’s inconsiderate to those who haven’t been out. I do however accept that although I don’t like this behaviour, it is considered normal by a lot of people apart from the drug taking so perhaps I should relax a little! I must’ve led a very sheltered life growing up as neither of my parents or any of my friends parents would have even stayed out that late on a week night let alone all th rest of it, but I guess times have changed!

Yanbu at all, he is a selfish dick.

I notice you say the house was a mess because you are unwell, so I guess he is a lazy dick as well.

You are worth more than this. Maybe start a thread in relationships.

OP this would not be a normal occurrence in my circle either. I would be absolutely raging! In fact once when DH had a mate round for a few drinks that led to an all nighter - I got no sleep and was working a 13 hour shift the next day - I made it clear I didn't want it to happen again on a work night as I was a zombie. To be fair to him he agreed and accepted that. Your experience was much worse than mine! Let us know what DH says.

Oh OP I totally get where you're coming from. I would have gone ape shit. You are far too polite - I would have told them all to leave ASAP or I'd call the police. Your DP is a bellend, even though your child isn't there why is it ok to bring friends back and do drugs? My husband wouldn't do this because he knows I'd have no trouble telling them all to fuck off out of the house. I'd also leave him if he did drugs - being a nurse I see the after-effects all too often.

Call the police? And say what?

You need to have a calm and serious talk with him about what's ok and what's not ok because you're on different pages about things.