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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
Afreshturkeyplease · 22/12/2017 06:45

There are people sniffing coke in my house i imagine

RadioGaGoo · 22/12/2017 06:46

I'm sure if you bought home a few of your mates home unexpectedly at 03.30 in the morning, along with a number of bottle, your 'D' H wouldn't even mention it?

I doubt it.

It just basic manners. Yes, it's his home, but its also rude to come home and wake your partner up. My partner gets grumpy if I wake him up thoughtlessly on return from a night out, as do I vice versa. Seriously, it obvious that some people just lack basic manners and respect for their partners.

Ilovetolurk · 22/12/2017 06:46

It’s the Thursday before Christmas OP -one of the busiest nights out of the year - not a normal weeknight

Your OP is hilariously dramatic. If you were shaking in the bedroom how did you know the cats were locked in? I think you went in there to cause a scene

The drugs in my house would have been unacceptable and they’d have all been on their way at that point however

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2017 06:47

Ah yes fair enough. I assumed she meant at first

dailyshite · 22/12/2017 06:50

I get the bit about being annoyed re drugs and smoking and it sounds like they were being inconsiderate, noise wise but I'm not sure why it isn't OK for him to bring friends back if it's his flat too or have I missed something?

The crying and shaking seem very extreme reactions, but you can take control back, either go in and tell them all to shut the fuck up and if the house isn't to their liking to piss off or if you don't want to do that just stick some cotton wool in your ears and the pillow over your head and when he's sobered up, tell him that he needs to be more respectful in future.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2017 06:51

None of that would bother me tbh. I would say it's a massive overreaction.

Afreshturkeyplease · 22/12/2017 06:52

Must say im pretty surprised how many would be fine with the situation

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2017 06:53

I wouldn't be but tbh dh wouldn't do it. But I don't think the dh is in the wrong, it's his home too

UrsulaPandress · 22/12/2017 06:53

I'd have gave been fizzing with rage too op.

Afreshturkeyplease · 22/12/2017 06:58

Tbh i wonder how many of those being okay with this have never been in the situation

I have lay in bed with my fucking blood boiling listening to the stupid laughter and drunken conversations. Hearing dp get a towel, obviously a drink on the carpet. Then the music. Drunken singing to the music.

No. Fuck off.

Loonoonow · 22/12/2017 06:59

I would be annoyed about the noise and very po-faced about the drugs but not about him staying out late or bringing mates back. They seem quite reasonable things to do after a party. I would be very annoyed if my DP started telling me what time I should come home or who I could invite into our home.

think it probably felt worse than it is because it was late and they woke you up. That was inconsiderate. I hope you are fast asleep now and your partner is suitably contrite when he eventually sobers up.

Original poster
mostimproved · 22/12/2017 07:00

The doors are quite thin and my cats don’t like that door being closed so they were miaowing and scratching at the door. With hindsight yes I did want to make my presence known so that they knew I was there and they had woken me up, I didn’t really want to cause a scene otherwise I would have said more.

In terms of physical reactions like shaking, crying etc I recognise this is a bit OTT, and I think those particular anxiety symptoms were more extreme due to being ill and tired etc.

Also to answer a PP who asked why he isn’t pulling his weight - yes DS is his child, and my partner kind of swings between phases of either being super on top of things or doing nothing at all, whereas I sort of struggle along somewhere in between. I think the cycle of going out drinking with friends and being hungover and lazy is the root of the problem, because when he doesn’t do this he is so much better in himself, does his share of housework and childcare and is supportive, so it’s not as if he’s constantly lazy and selfish, but he is whenever drink is involved.

I will see what he says later on today but it’s probably along the lines of ‘it won’t happen again’ so I’ll just have to wait and see.

OP posts:
twotired · 22/12/2017 07:03

I don't think YABU and I would have reacted the same.

Whinesalot · 22/12/2017 07:03

I would, and have, brought friends home after a night out and certainly wouldn't have an issue with dp doing it. The drugs I wouldn't be happy about and it sounds as if you have other issues in your relationship. I think you need to separate those from the MH issues. You overreacted to generally bringing friends home. Maybe it wasn't an overreaction if it is part of a pattern of little respect for you.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/12/2017 07:05

He needs to grow up. If this were a one off without the drugs then fine, I’d just roll over and go back to sleep. As a repeated pattern of extreme drinking that needs to stop, he’s an adult now. As for drugs - that’s a deal breaker for me. If his mates were doing it not him I’d want him to not drink with them in future, if he did it too I’d question our compatibility very seriously. That is just not something I want in my life at all.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2017 07:06

Yes - I have been in the situation before many times. Especially with my parents. They were forever bringing loads of mates back from parties/pubs and carrying on the party at home. I'd be laying in bed and then Rod Stewart or Fleetwood Mac would come blaring on.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/12/2017 07:06

Drugs? The friends would have been out the door and my 'd'p with them at least until the morning. But I consider drugs to be something you grow out of at university. At the latest. And Class As are complete no-nos.

The pattern of being super-motivated and not motivated at all sounds a little bit bipolar-like? Could there be anything of that sort going on? (The drugs won't be helping Hmm )

PerfumeIsAMessage · 22/12/2017 07:06

Are you generally OK with him taking drugs?

The going out, getting lammed, bringing mates home is dissing you, but not in itself LTB worthy if it's the kind of set up you're happy with.

The drug thing should have been a deal breaker long before now IMO.

speakout · 22/12/2017 07:08

Is this your flat OP?

Has he recently moved in?

I don't care what some other posters are saying but this behaviour would be totally unacceptable to me

Bringing back some drinking mates- smoking and drug taking in your home where a child lives - and I do know that she was away overnight.
He chose to do thing knowing you were ill and had work the next day.
Sounds like he has an alcohol and is disrepectful.

I would not put up with this.
He would be given the bum's rush today and I would be focussed on having a lovely christmas with my daughter.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:10

My ex did this, more than once. I walked in to find them snorting coke on the table my two year old eats his breakfast off.

YANBU, you have the right to sleep securely and undisturbed in your own home. I can only think that those who think this is ok would do the same themselves not giving a flying fuck for the face that the other occupant of the home has been disturbed because they want to carry on getting pissed and snorting a few grams. I hope you don’t have kids OP.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/12/2017 07:11

If I want to say, "All back to mine!" I will. My dh wouldn't dream of trying to assume control over that...and neither would I!

I'm glad I don't live with you. Absolutely go out till what time you like but your partner/ dc have the right to a night's sleep. But we are all different.

Yanbu at all op.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:11

Ah, just seen that you do have kids. Get Him The Fuck Out!

SingingSeuss · 22/12/2017 07:12

Out of order, and you need to nip this in the bud or it will continue. I would (and have) made a scene, if there's kids in the house it's not ok to be bringing 'randoms' back. You need to tell him it's not acceptable and be prepared to chuck people out if it continues.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 07:14

Yes - I have been in the situation before many times. Especially with my parents. They were forever bringing loads of mates back from parties/pubs and carrying on the party at home. I'd be laying in bed and then Rod Stewart or Fleetwood Mac would come blaring on.

Me too. It would go on for hours. Selfish as fuck!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/12/2017 07:14

The drug taking would be a huge issue for me, not acceptable at all and I would be very pissed off about three hours of subsequent noise. However I would have gone in within the first half hour to ask them to keep it down, not stayed in my room updating MN. By now they'd have been long kicked out!

The thing is I can understand getting a fright waking up to a sudden noise but you realised quickly who it was. The stuttering, quivering and crying you described seems a very extreme reaction especially given this was before you discovered any drug taking. That said, your further updates about police and hospitals make me wonder whether what seems like an overreaction (to me) was actually triggered because you have bad experiences regarding where his behaviour leads? Is it more the case that your relationship is a big contributing factor in your anxiety?