Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

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Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted )

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering . I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

If it helps I don't think there was any 'thinking' being done here by your dp in that him turning up at your home with drunk work mates who take drugs was not part of a plan for the evening. I can understand your anger and hope you are feeling less disturbed by it now . However, it could be that your dp felt pressured into inviting them back, wanted to be part of the gang and with the amount he has drunk his common sense went out the window. Don't look at it as an attempt to upset you atm and chat with him about it when he is more with it. As a one off it is unfortunate; doing it a second time would be something else entirely.

I'm awake because I'm in Australia and it's the afternoon!

I think there is nothing you can do about tonight. No point trying to be rational with a drunk and his drunk and drugged mates.

Write everything down, use this and then when your not so dear p is in a sober and sensible mood have a rational discussion. This might not be tomorrow when he has a hang over.

Ask how he would feel as a 6 year old if a strange man came into his bedroom in the middle of the night?

Ask him how he is going to explain to A and E that his child has inhaled coke, because there may well be some still around, too small to see.

Finally you need to think about how you react and about his behaviour. If he is going to do this on a regular basis can you continue to live with him? That doesn't mean splitting up, just not living together, or at least not when he has been drinking.

How is the rest of your relationship?

I would have said let it go and go back to sleep then kick his ass in the morning until I read the bit about doing coke. I would be going crazy by now There is no way on earth I would let people it doing drugs in my house especially with my kids in it. They would be getting told get out or I will call the police and I am sure the will escort you to a new home for the night.

Your not over reacting. Do you have kids? I would be furious at him even for bringing home strangers if I had kids in my house and the me would be mean my relationship was over. I can’t stand drugs and won’t have that type of thing around my kids.

Ropsleybunny hope they kick in soon, and that you don’t have to be up too early!

I am starting to calm down now and try to see some of this as my anxiety blowing things out of proportion, but equally when I just look at the facts it still doesn’t sit right with me - he wants to get married this year but it’s majorly putting me off I have to say. I just keep thinking that if something bad happened and he was on drugs or in a similar situation, I would have to explain to my DS when he is older that I was aware of his dad’s behaviour and then still got married to him anyway which feels a bit like a betrayal to DS.

The first few comments are so casual I'm shocked. My partner would be sleeping at his mums for at least 4-6 months trying to make it to up to me if he'd showed up with unfamiliar people drunk at our flat to do a load of drugs at 3am with no warning. Even if you're 6 year olds not there at the moment, if they leave something behind accidentally and she gets into it ...I have these horrible images of them using a Moana DVD case like the one lying on my coffee table. They're drunk and you're anxious so I would either hope they fall asleep on the couch or call a taxi, sneak out quietly and go stay at your mums or someone you trust. Totally unacceptable and inconsiderate on your partner's behalf, I would have likely wet myself.

Fundays yes a six year old DS but he isn’t here tonight as he’s staying with my mum so I can try and get prepped for Christmas/finish what I need to at work/clean and tidy my shit tip of a flat!

I am awake as I have 3 broken ribs, a punctured lung and a broken shoulder blade from a fall 10days ago. It’s all causing me some pain at the moment and my 5 yea old woke up crying an hour ago saying his eyes hurt. He is now lying in the couch next to me whilst his calpol kicks in.

AnnaBay I have to listen to daily updates about the cricket in Australia; in fact I overheard them discussing it a few minutes ago - I hope you don’t have a similar cricket bore regaling you with a blow by blow account of every wicket or whatever it is (unless you like cricket of course!)

Fundays that sounds miserable, hope you both feel better soon and can enjoy Christmas to some extent with your injuries

I'm up with general anxiety over my pregnancy. It's not that she's kicking too hard for me to go to sleep, I've just been overthinking everything. That and I miss my mum (studying at university a few hours away means I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to). I spoke to her and my stepdad on the phone for twenty minutes last night for the first time in over a week but she fell asleep towards the end. I'll get to see her on Sunday so I shouldn't be this clingy. I'm 19 and this is my first baby (she's only 54, so by today's standards I'm relatively young) so maybe that's why I'm so worried about it.

Thank goodness your 6 year old isn’t there tonight but I still find it unacceptable because of the drugs. I am very anti drugs though always have been. I think he has been a bit if an ass taking these guys home knowing your in your bed but given your child isn’t home i would have just had a right moan in the morning but the drugs are another level. Heaven forbid if your house ended up getting busted because of his stupidity. It’s your child’s home and he needs to respect that.

I'm nocturnal at the moment. I live in the middle of the a city and at this time of the year the pubs and clubs go a bit mad (I usually sleep fine) and as I have no responsibilities except the cat I have decided to go to bed in the small hours and sleep late.

I have an immunosuppressive disorder that worsens with stress and deciding to shift my sleep turned out to be better for my health than lying rigid in bed fuming as visiting tourists carouse at 4am. It's only taken me 10 years to work this out!

Thanks I am slowly on the mend it will just take time. Hubby has been on cleaning duty so that’s a bonus although he hasn’t done it to my standard 😂

I'd be pissed off op. I hope you manage to get back to sleep.

I'm up as I have a broken ankle&leg and find it hard to stay asleep with this stupid cast on, now also have 16mo ds in beside me who woke up crying and couldn't be settled by dh.

I am with dkb15164 on this one. No way would he still be 'D' anything after a stunt like this!!

dkb15164 I can relate to that, I seem to overthink everything. I had my son at 20 and was pregnant at university too, and I think there is nothing wrong with missing your mum and feeling a bit vulnerable. When is your baby due?

The idiots in the living room are sitting on my vintage dining chairs and I can hear them creaking as they are a bit delicate - the noise is driving me insane!

The bringing mates home would be mildly annoying to me but you do these things after a night out so I'd let that go. I'd go fucking mental over the drug taking though, I'd possibly even LTB.

OP I don’t think you are overreacting either. You were presumably in a deep-ish sleep when they burst in. Being woken suddenly like that would scare me too & given that you are unwell it is understandable that it will take you longer to resettle yourself.

I would also not allow anyone to use coke in my home. In your situation, I would tell them & DP to leave. It is not ok. You clearly & understandably feel vulnerable. They need to go now.

Oh & I’m awake thanks to the wonderful powers of mid-life hormones

I think you have massively overreacted

I know others disagree but some of your reactions are so overblown

YANBU- I'd be fuming too. It's not on to bring people back without checking with you first Nd the drugs are a complete no in my book!!
And I'm up feeding my 7 week old

Yanbu to be annoyed. I think them coming home is ok, although my hubby knows not to do this ever without discussing with me.
Drugs is not ok and a different ball game and I can see how u would feel vulnerable in your own home.
Your post saying about getting married worried me the most. It sounds like u know u don’t think he is right for u? The feeling is deep in your gut saying no.
How did u feel reading that? Try to really listen to what your mind is telling u.
I’m not saying LTB I’m saying u are not ready to marry. Good luck honey.

I would say the staying out and drinking you are being way over reactive about. I would be mildly annoyed if he brought his mates back at 3am in the morning when I was asleep in bed. However the definite LTB moment would be the drug taking!! How rude and shady for him to think it's ok. What if as PP have pointed out they have used one of your sons DVDs and he picks it up and there's still some substance on there!! He clearly isn't thinking of your or your DS good luck OP! I hope you get some sleep.

If there hasn't been drugs involved I'd say you were overreacting a tad. Coming back for a few drinks after a night out is pretty normal, and if you're the one living nearby it generally makes sense to go there:". I'd be pissed off at being woken and having to rescue the cats at 3am but otherwise...these things happen.

But the drugs would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't even want them in my house and even if DP hadn't touched them I would be furious that he'd brought them into the house my child lives in. Not okay.

From your posts I would think long and hard about marrying this man.

Why did you cross out fiance? Is he or isn't he?

Other than that, I can understand why you were alarmed and it was really inconsiderate that he brought people back at that time in the morning. It's a school night and you're ill.

Op, many years ago my dp used to do this exact same shit.

It was horrible. I hated it. I eventually grew a pair and when he would try and bring people back i would get up and tell them to get out

I also get the not wanting people in when its not tidy!

You need to put your foot down