To ruin everyone's Christmas?

[awifeyforlifey]

This is my first thread, but I think I need some other perspectives here. Sorry for the length, as the whole thing's a bit fraught.

Background: every year, my DH's family celebrates Christmas the exact same way. When I married him, they expected all the traditions to continue the same: including having us sleep over on the floor of their already packed apartment so we could "wake up to Christmas," which they've all done since they were children. DH used to do it as a grown-up before we married (even after college, and even though he's always lived nearby). As we (still) lived nearby and I have medical issues that would make it difficult we declined the very first year, which did put several noses out of joint (although they were aware of my health issues) but the precedent was set and everyone was fine with it by the next year.

Fast forward several more years and we now have a baby under a year old. I should add that the only other change in tradition that's been "allowed" up to this point by DH's family is that the now married children can go visit their spouse's parents for a few hours before coming back in the evening. It's been this way for the past several years, which short-changes my parents a bit, but they're less sticklers for tradition and have been very gracious about it.

Our problem is this: the back and forth no longer works with a baby, so we've let everyone know that this year we're doing our own Christmas at home in the morning, and splitting our afternoon availability between DH's family and mine, who mercifully live somewhat close together. My parents, as always, are fine with it.

We know DH's family's day is structured with traditions so we've said not to change anything or wait for us, and that if it doesn't work for them to have us during the time we're available for them, not to worry about it. We'll spend Christmas with my folks.

Apparently we've now ruined Christmas. We've had push-back from several of DH's family (all with no children) about how much more convenient it would be for them not to have to change the layout of the day to accommodate us (which we've not asked for). We've had requests to exchange our availability for them with the time we reserved for my folks (which doesn't work for the baby's sleep/eat schedule - he's never been to DH's family to visit as he's not been invited, but his high chair/playpen/etc. are at my parents' house and we've timed it so that he'd have access to them at the right point).

DH's family has since then all discussed it between them and told us what their plan for us that day is. We've nicely declined and repeated our availability. I received a pursed-lips reply that they'd "have to check with everybody and get back to you, and we'll find something that works for EVERYONE." I'm honestly I'm not quite sure what that means, as we really can't change our availability that day. It either works for them or it doesn't.

The reason they want us to change our plans appears to be the fact that we'll be at DH's family's house during the time that the other grown-up children have "always" visited their spouses' families, and that they'll miss seeing the baby if we don't change times. While I do understand, if they do REALLY want to see the baby there doesn't appear to be any reason they can't. We gave them a week's advance notice to plan, and DH's siblings are married into my extended family. I've spoken with them about our plans in advance and they told me not to worry, that they'd be sure to get with us at some point that day; and if not, they'd see us at the family party the weekend before.

DH and I have discussed it, and both agreed we had laid out the day based on what was best for the baby, but I've gotten bombarded again today until I'm feeling a bit crap about the whole thing and wondering if there's something horrible I've missed. Now it's being suggested that everyone be invited back to mine in the afternoon instead, which would definitely ruin all the evening traditions, so I don't understand it at all. AIBU to just want to stick to the original plan?

ok, babies are the most portable, adaptible beings on the planet, wait till you have a toddler!. But I'm saying that because I wish someone had explained that to me before my first was a toddler and I had a second baby. However in terms of your inlaws I feel you have to put your foot down NOW. My mother was/is like this. Once DC1 got to the point where she was expecting FC to come down the chimney I finally developed a back bone and said that we would be at home. Don't worry about the others being truly upset at not seeing your little one, yes, they might be missing out on a gorgeous cuddle, but secretly they're probably all massively relieved youre the one breaking with tradition. They're probably all consoling your inlaws etc whilst at the same thinking phew! You need to do this now because give in now and it will only get worse. This is about letting others step into the light and have their time. The in-laws have had their family - now its your turn to enjoy your family and create your family traditions. enjoy! Maybe do something really wicked next year, like spend it at Disney land Paris!
Its what I did! . It was worth every single bloody expensive mortgage level expense. It broke the routine!

Do what you want to do OP, it’s your Christmas too. We spent years trailing our kids round family to suit them meaning they had very little time at home with their toys. This year we said that we were staying home and if family wanted to come to us they were welcome to but we have no intention of leaving our house.

Curious though, what’s a schedule transition?

Husband and I adopted two kids. They were 22month, and 6 years old when we got them. The 22month old was a robust Laddo on regular food. And I’m an only child.

My first Christmas with our children was spent at my parents house, mother liquidised my son’s food and spoon fed him like a new born. They gave them ice cream for a starter. After dinner, I was kicked out of the room and made to wash, dry, and put the pots away from a full three course dinner for six people while everyone else opened presents.

Less than three years later, I walked away from my parents. I haven’t spoken to them since 2006.

There was a lot more shit that contributed to me walking away, but I get really upset when I see parents pushing their beliefs and ‘traditions’ onto their grown up kid and grandkids.

Let them go, let them make their own choices, their own traditions became one day, you’ll wake up and your children and grandchildren won’t be there.

Like I said, I was an only child, so my parents now have no children and no grandchildren. And before you ask, no, there’s no going back. It was that bad, we are better off alone.

I can remember someone posting here - in all seriousness - That you aren't supposed to enjoy Christmas while you have children. You're supposed to run around after everyone else.

But that's OK because when you are old everyone will run after you.

People agreed.

I really feel for you, awifey. We went through something very similar our first few Christmases together. Set your precedents right now! -
for your own little family! The more years you continue as you are, the more you will be expected to do it every year, and the harder it will be to get out of it. The best decision we ever made was to spend Christmas Day the way we wanted to spend it, early on in our marriage. We couldn't believe how magical it was! - not to have to rush around like mad things getting all the baby paraphernalia ready for the car journey on Christmas Day morning. And how ultimately relaxing and precious and cozy our Christmas Day was. . . oh my God, you've just got to do it! You won't be ruining everyone's Christmas! Not if they're grown ups! And if they're not 'grown ups' about it? Well, that's their prerogative...

Don’t give in to them. It won’t stop there and you will be kow towing to them forever more. Your DH has his own family unit now and you can make your own traditions. When you’re DC is a bit older or you have another it’s likely you will want to have Chris mostly in your own home. Ignore the pettiness and do what makes you happy

Get a last minute booking at Butlins!

astoundedgoat said what I wanted to.

You seem to think it reasonable that you gave one week's notice and are totally inflexible, and that they are a bit annoyed about it.

I mean - you KNOW what their plans are every year, the traditions. So you KNEW this wouldn't be popular. But you left it till a week to go and then changed the goalposts.

Anyway, it is easily fixed. Just say:

I'm really sorry it's tricky this year - DS is just at that age! We can either come to you at X time and stay till Y time, or you are all most welcome to visit us at home in the evening. Please don't worry if it's easier for us to see you all another day instead - we are happy to host you on Boxing Day or afterwards if you prefer.

If you seem to be gracious and offer an accommodation which seems to be putting yourselves out (i.e. hosting, even if it isn't putting you out at all), then you'll seem much more reasonable.

Dig in your heels, had the same thing with MIL, expected to atend Christmas same every year, I almost always worked Christmas Eve, wanted to go home to bed. Tried to get away one year to avoid it all, couldnt afford it even a cottage was way too expensive. One year we finnally stayed at home, I staggered home after a 12.5 hour shuift fell asleep on the sofa she rang and bloody woke me, for nothing in particular, even if I had been upstairs in bed it would have woken me. She was just a bully who had to rule the roost.

OH for fucks sake!!
As usual it's gone from support to slagging off!
OP...It's your family, your time to start new traditions. Do what you want!
Everyone saying she's left it late. The family do EXACTLY the same thing each year because it's "tradition" so plans are the same. OP not going is only 2 mouths (plus a very little one) not to feed. Big deal!
It IS ONLY one day!! It's not a big deal.
Just tell them you're not going! Do what YOU want to do!!

Sounds like they are difficult and I agree you need to challenge this to set a precedence now.

However I do also think that a weeks notice is not much when it sounds as though your family would like to see the baby on Christmas Day, which isn't unfair or unusual. You said 7 people will be there, so excluding the in laws that's 5 others who you expect to alter their plans at a weeks notice to suit your time schedule if they want to see your family. You also knew well in advance their timing as it's so strict each year.

It's your baby, your Christmas, but ultimately I don't think one day where the baby's routine is slightly changed will not have a great impact in comparison to seeing those who you love, and love you and your child. YABU

I totally agree with the people who said Tell them it's obviously causing them a lot of stress and you don't want to make a huge problem, so you'll just see them on another day when it can be a bit more relaxed.

Dotty I don't think it's a problem they're not going, and I don't think it's a problem for the catering.

I think it is a problem that the OP thinks they are being totally reasonable and the other lot are being odd about seeing them - when they've only announced they'd be doing something different to what might be expected a week beforehand & being surprised it's become an issue.

The OP says:

Now it's being suggested that everyone be invited back to mine in the afternoon instead, which would definitely ruin all the evening traditions, so I don't understand it at all. AIBU to just want to stick to the original plan?

and I would say yes, YABU to stick to the "original plan" as that wasn't anyone else's plan that they'd agreed to. And the compromise of hosting them all sounds fair enough to me - and the other family are quite willing to change things to see the baby, so it's obviously not that they're totally inflexible.

So, my advice to the OP would be:

Have Christmas at your house, all day. Invite your DPs for the afternoon, as well as DH's extended family. Everyone is happy, job's a good un.

They sound like complete control freaks. I actually wouldn't be able to put up with that! How dare They??

You sound rather inflexible to be honest. What’s with all this paraphernalia you think you need for the baby’s eating time? You can feed a baby sitting on someone’s knee. Or if you really, really feel you must have a high chair, take one with you - most fold. Or tell the hosts that if it’s so important to them that you are there for a specific time, they need to borrow a highchair from someone - your mother perhaps, as she’s nearby. You really don’t need a playpen; the place will be full of relatives eager to hold and entertain their new nephew.

Toys - stuff a few in your bag. Noise during napping - babies usually sleep really well with background noise, hence all the white noise phone apps.

You seem to be finding excuses to me, because you’d just rather go to your own parents. But you know what? It’s fine to prefer that - but be honest about it instead of claiming it’s about highchairs and routines.

Since our children have arrived we have our own day on Christmas Day and visit family after. Time to make time for you! And it sounds like it's baby's first Christmas? You don't want to be going all over the place!!

But now that she's drip-fed the details, it's clear visiting the in-laws would have zero impact on the baby's routine. Babies don't generally nap at 9am, I would have though 9am a brilliant time to get the duty visit out of the way leaving you the rest of the day clear to be with your own family. It's not like you'll be lying in until 9 really is it? Or tell them you'll be over nearer to 10. It's called compromise OP!

As for your little emperor and his basic human right of waking up in his own cot on Christmas Day - get a grip

Your inlaws do sound a bit ott but just call it for what it is and don't pretend it's about having a baby. Your PFB will never be as easy or as portable as he is now - trust me.

At least your dh is with you on this one, which is half the battle.
Why not have christmas day on your own and alternate christmas eve and boxing day every year with dh family and yours.
Once you have a baby you make your own traditions in your own home, surely.

This all sounds insanely complicated. If you want to be at home, cool; but fgs don't blame it on 'schedule transitions' (or whatever you called it). Or baby somehow needing to be at home to "open presents". Because that's all quite weird.

Just be at home because that's what you want to do. Own it. And enjoy Christmas as you want to.

YANBU. End of.

Good grief. Just say that now you have kids Santa Claus comes to you. People like this must be so fragile inside!!!

Just because MIL etc have their own traditions and routine doesn't mean you have to succumb to them. Give them a miss on Christmas Day offering to visit on Boxing Day but at a time convenient for your wee one. Next year do your own thing telling them you want to have your own family Christmas.

I think all the chat about your child's transition etc and arranging things around him is an excuse. Babies sometimes do just adjust to a temporary change and if they don't you just weather it for a few days.

I think you weren't happy with the current set up and wanted to make it work better for you.

And I think that is absolutely FINE - honestly I wish I had changed things up a bit years ago, I just went along to keep everyone else contented. I'm changing things ten years down the line and it's hard. But it is ok to want a bit more for yourself and be honest about your own needs.

But a lot of people plan waaaaaay in advance (my first phone from family regarding Christmas plans was 21st September) so in future I think you need to be clear and give more notice.

Oh and no you are not ruining Christmas!

I want to know all the crazy shit they do

BUT

I think if you're "letting them know your availability" it seems like you are being a bit rigid. I'd have asked them, which (2 hour) bit do you want us to join you for and worked around that so as to have a chance of making as many people as happy as possible.

"They had their traditions when their children were little. Now it's your turn." how miserable. A bit of give and take, a bit of sticking to what your parents or grandparents did, is what makes things have a sense of continuity and connection, surely.

But sleeping on their floor etc - fuck that