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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

161 replies

VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 14:50

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

OP posts:
RecalibratedMilkshake · 21/12/2017 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 21/12/2017 14:56

stop doing it. Make them take responsibility for themselves a bit

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:01

I cant just stop though.

like today with DS2 and the appointment I'm the one getting shit because he isn't up. I will get more shit if I stop completely.

I have most people telling me I don't do enough, and bf saying I should do nothing. However he had an awful relationship with his parents at this age (who did nothing for him) so I'm not convinced its the best way.

I just get sick of always being the whipping boy.

OP posts:
WishingOnABar · 21/12/2017 15:02

You sound very similar to my mum, my db had everything done for him because he “couldn’t” do it himself. Everything was “her fault” if it wasnt done for him Shock
He finally moved out aged 34, because he was physically abusive and she decided enough was enough.
He doesnt speak to her now, because he thinks she was being unreasonable.

Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:03

Stop. Your eldest is an adult. He's responsible for getting to work and cleaning his uniform.

Stop. Don't let DS2 start getting away with similar behaviour.

Stop. Taking abuse from any of them, including your current partner.

Who is this everyone else that blames you?

StripeyDeckchair · 21/12/2017 15:03

You need to sit your son down and explain that at 19 he is an adult and needs to be responsible for his own life, this includes getting himself up and washing his uniform.
If he doesn't like then he can move out.

As for the lack of congratulations on your promotion- is this because they're thoughtless or because they take you and all you do for granted?
Whichever it is maybe your resolution for 2018 is to address this.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:03

Honestly if I didn't wake them up they just wouldn't get up. I did this when DS1 was at 6th form. I ended up getting called in as he was late and asked what I was going to do to get him there on time.

OP posts:
Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:04

Again you have said you are "getting shit" and "most people". Who are these people?

Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:04

But he's working now. I can absolutely guarantee his employer will not be calling you in.

Maelstrop · 21/12/2017 15:05

Until you stop doing stuff for them, this won’t get better. Fix the valve, ds can do his own washing, ffs. If he can’t get up in the morning, tough shit, it’s not your problem. How will he cope when he moves out? As for ds2 and his appt, is he not old enough to get himself to the dentist? You can’t mollycoddle them forever, they need to be responsible for themselves.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:06

He can't wash his uniform because turning off the valve is fiddly. I'm the only one with a hand small enough. And yes it should have been fixed by now. But I can't fix it, and the last plumber I used was the idiot that left it leaking. He never answered my requests to come back and put it right.

OP posts:
DooRight · 21/12/2017 15:09

he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time

only one thing wrong with this sentence - I'll leave that with you....

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:09

Most people - friends, colleagues, DS2s dad and family. Delivery men. Last week I had someone come to fix another electrical appliance who DS2 didn't answer the door to cos he was asleep. The guy moaned to me for 10 mins about how there was no answer when he knocked, why wasn't I there, blah blah.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:12

I did manage to get dS2 up that time, once id stopped the guy ranting at me.

I appreciate I won't get grief from DS1s employers. I think my concern is more that he just won't be able to get up. He really doesn't wake easily. His friends comment on this too.

OP posts:
Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:13

You have to stop this. And I'm not talking about your sons' behaviour. Stop accepting criticism from people who have no business criticising you.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2017 15:14

Stop enabling this lazy entitled behaviour

He's 19; legally an adult. If he doesn't get up for work, his problem. He should be doing his own washing as well.

He should know women aren't just there to do everything for him so he doesn't turn into a sexist idiot when he eventually has a relationship

Herbcake · 21/12/2017 15:14

Call a different plumber.

Shout at DS to get up after his alarm ONCE and then leave him. If he gets fired for lateness, so be it.

You believe them when they blame you for things that are their problem. Time to stop.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 21/12/2017 15:14

I'll repeat what others have said; stop doing these things for them. Sit your sons down, tell them you're about to do them and their future partners a massive favour and that from now on they are going to learn about being responsible.

Anyone that has a go at you about something that's beyond your control ie your ds not being arsed to answer the door; tell them to stop preaching to the converted and point them in the direction of whoever was at fault.

Stop being a doormat and enabling your sons to being entitled little darlings.

Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:14

He may not wake easily. I have always struggled to wake up. I have also taken responsibility for that. He clearly has not.

AnxietyOCDDepression · 21/12/2017 15:18

So what happens if he doesn't get up?
He misses Work? He loses his job? Then he will learn the hard way which HE NEEDS TO DO!

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:22

They are responsible in other ways. DS1 was responsible for DS2 from the age of 12/13 every day from 7.30-7 while I was at work. They can cook and keep their rooms reasonably clean. They would dp washing prior to this leak.

But the deep sleeping frustrates me. How do I make them take responsibility for it of they can't help it?

I do stand up for myself but it falls on deaf ears. I told the repair guy that I was phoning my son to ask him to answer the door, there WAS someone in and berating me was pointless.

Yes I should get the leak fixed. The guy who did it should have fixed it but won't. I got his details from rated people but they wouldn't do anything. Annoying.

OP posts:
nutnerk · 21/12/2017 15:24

You can just stop. They are teenagers (and 19 is a fully grown adult!!), if they get in trouble, then let them deal with the consequences.

You are raising them to be completely reliant on others, take no responsibility for their own actions, that they can't be trusted to do things and just generally be brats.

You might think you are helping them but you are seriously damaging them for the future.

nutnerk · 21/12/2017 15:25

How do I make them take responsibility for it of they can't help it?
hahaha are you for real?? Do they have narcolepsy or are they just lazy gits... Stop making excuses for them

Chowmum · 21/12/2017 15:26

If there is a medical reason why he can't wake up, he should see a doctor. Does he turn off the alarms, or sleep straight through them?

Tinselistacky · 21/12/2017 15:27

Turn the WiFi off at 10pm. Bet they get to sleep earlier. Glass of water will wake them up.
I have done this and it works. Grin