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Original poster

Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

161 replies

VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 14:50

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

OP posts:
stilltheykeepcoming · 21/12/2017 15:52

All DS2s dental appts are arranged by his father who pays for them. He considers it my responsibility to make DS2 available
Oh, he does, does he? Tell him that he may very well think that, but he has another think coming.

ObscuredbyFog · 21/12/2017 15:53

How do I make them take responsibility for it of they can't help it

If there was an envelope due to be placed on the doorstep with £2million in it a 7.am, but it would only be there for 10 seconds before it was gone forever, would they "be able" to get themselves out of bed without your help to collect it ?

You are only enabling them to behave like this, stop waking them up and tell them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. They are NOT small children. It doesn't matter what else they can take responsibility for, it's essential they can to be able to get themselves out of bed.

stilltheykeepcoming · 21/12/2017 16:00

How do you make them take responsibility? You can't.

But you can stop yourself from being responsible for them. The only person you can control is you. So just stop accepting that it is your responsibility. It isn't. Wash your hands of the whole lot of it.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:00

I spent years with people telling me I was neglectful, a bad parent etc because I gave my kids too much responsibility. Now I give them too little. Honestly I feel I can't win.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/12/2017 16:01

Go back to the company you have a contract with and say another appt in 2 months time is not acceptable and keep going back until you get results.

DS1 needs to figure out a new strategy for waking himself. He sleeps through because he's not taking it on as his problem, it's your problem.

How old is DS2? If he's an older teen, he and his dad can manage his appointments without involving you. Stop engaging with it.

Butterymuffin · 21/12/2017 16:01

OP, get yourself Anne Dickson's book A Woman in your Own Right: Assertiveness and You, as a Christmas present to yourself. You need some tools for asserting yourself with those around you. They are responsible for all these things and they need to step up.

Until you can get the valve fixed, unplug or remove the plug from the washing machine.
DS1 can wash his uniform himself at night by hand, or buy a second one. He is an adult and that is completely down to him, once you've stopped him just flooding the place.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2017 16:02

Send them to live with their dad.

Butterymuffin · 21/12/2017 16:02

OP you feel bad now because of having to give them responsibility early on, I'd guess. You're still carrying that guilt. But let it go now. It's time they took this stuff on themselves.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/12/2017 16:05

All DS2s dental appts are arranged by his father who pays for them. He considers it my responsibility to make DS2 available

Well he can come round and get the boy out of bed. How are you entirely alone in this if they have a father? Why isn't he helping with this?

Otherwise just stop doing stuff. A glass of water in the morning and disabling the wifi at 10pm are both worth a try. Tell DS1 to take himself to the doctor about his problem.

They will never learn to do get themselves out in the morning or clean their clothes if they know you will cover up all their shortcomings.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 21/12/2017 16:06

In the nicest possible way you are enabling their behaviour.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:06

I really dont think DS1 does it deliberately. He has missed seeing friends and wasted tickets he'd bought etc. It's not just stuff he doesn't want to do iyswim.

My bf doesn't live here. He can't fix the pipe as he's not a plumber. I have tried to get someone else in but unfortunately reliable tradesmen are like hens teeth. I'm trying not to throw good money after bad.

OP posts:
ToadOfSadness · 21/12/2017 16:06

Join ScoopLoop and Kahuti and ask for a recommendation for someone to fix the leak.

Don't wash the uniform, let him stink or get a spare. You must have a sink, he has hands, he can handwash it.

Then let them sort their own timekeeping out.

Arrange for tradesmen when you are going to be home or change to someone that can be there when you are.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2017 16:08

Let's look at this another way.
If your Ds1 did his own washing and left the valve on, flooding the room, who would clean it up? Answer most likely is currently you.
So no - make HIM clean it up. He takes responsibility for his action in failing to switch the valve off. This is only likely to happen once, as he will remember the cleaning up as being a complete PITA.

If your DS2 fails to go to his dental appt, then his father might have to pay a "no-show" fee. Not your problem. Either his father takes the money off DS2, or he pays it but next time ensures that DS2 is available for the appt himself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2017 16:10

Do you have nextdoor in your area? It’s a local social network and I recently used it to find a plumber after several duds. He lives a street away and I wouldn’t have found him any other way as he only does word of mouth referrals now. Cheap, reliable and great.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:13

Ds2s father doesn't have his own home (a long story not for this thread). His only financial contribution is DS2s dental treatment. Again, a long story.

The uniform issue is now resolved as he got a spare one issued this week. Buying one isn't an option as it's specially made. But that isn't an ongoing problem thankfully.

OP posts:
10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 21/12/2017 16:13

He should go to bed earlier

If he is a little boy who needs to be woken, he should also be put to bed like a little boy, at 9 or 10

He could sleep without curtains, as natural light is very "wakening"

You all save up for a plumber to fix tge fucking valve

This is no way to live

Find that rod you made for your own back and break it in a thousand pieces

Popchyk · 21/12/2017 16:13

The thing is you don't HAVE to do everything. You don't get sent to a firing squad if you don't do it.

And as hard as this is to admit to yourself, you are CHOOSING to do everything.

Here's what you can do:

Be unavailable. Turn your phone off at work for a start. You can check messages for 5 minutes at lunchtime.

Start doing things for yourself. A hobby or a night out or something. And turn your phone off while you do it. Let them work out what to do when mum isn't at their beck and call.

DS1 can either get up for work or not. His choice. And if he loses his job then that is his fault. Maybe it will take something like that to give him the kick up the arse that he needs to see a GP/investigate other avenues. If he gives you any lip, then he can look for accommodation elsewhere.

Tell DS2 that his arrangements between his father and him are for them to sort between the two of them. Tell your ex that as well.

And then when everyone comes whinging to you (which they will), tell them to take responsibility for themselves just like you have to.

You have to be prepared to let things fall apart for a bit. It is only when they feel the consequences of their own behaviour themselves that they will start to buck up. Or not, and that isn't your fault either.

Consider whether your relationship with your partner is bringing you anything other than hassle you don't need.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:16

I dont know about the apps referred to. I'll look into them. That said the guy who left me with a leaking pipe is local and lives in my road and was from the Rates People website. So much for that. I also used someone else who was a personal recommendation on a local site who overcharged me and tried to charge me for something I didn't need. So I am sceptical abut anyone unfortunately.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2017 16:16

If you feel you 'can't win', then the only thing to do is stop playing the game.

Popchyk · 21/12/2017 16:20

"If you feel you 'can't win', then the only thing to do is stop playing the game."

Amen to that.

Playing this game gives you nothing but hassle and disrespect. There is absolutely nothing positive in it for you.

Ellisandra · 21/12/2017 16:20

I don't actually understand some parts of your post. Like making your son available for the dentist.

Well yes, if I was paying out for appointments for a child more often resident with the other parent, I'd expect them to make said child available.

What that would mean to me is - be aware of the appointment time, not double book it, and integrate into whatever planning system was used in my house. e.g. if you use a physical calendar, write it on the calendar. I think for a younger teen it's perfectly fair to expect the resident parent to remind them on the day - "go to dentist straight from school today". Just as you would if you booked it. It would be extremely petty to say as dad booked it, dad should text a reminder.

Just as with your older son and the waking up routine - what are you actually doing here? Why does he think you'll wake him? Why does the younger one think you'll (do what? Take him to the dentist? Remind him?)

If they all have smartphones, get a shared online calendar and give their dad access - all appointments in there, dad to enter them and set a one day before reminder too.

I think a PP has hit the nail on the head... you're carrying over working parent guilt from earlier years and taking on too much that is no longer age appropriate now.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:20

10 things, he can't go to bed at 10 as he doesn't get home from work until 11.30 or later. He usually goes to bed within an hour of getting home although can't always sleep then. He doesn't have curtains in his room, just blinds which he has open all the time.

They do fend for themselves largely, because I'm out at work. Which was me being neglectful formerly.

OP posts:
RockinRobinTweets · 21/12/2017 16:24

In the nicest way possible, sometimes the problem is you and not everyone else. They're taking advantage and you're letting yourself be taken advantage of.

Tell them calmly at a non crucial moment that you're no longer responsible for these things and then follow it through. This should work because... you're no longer responsible.

Dani240 · 21/12/2017 16:25

OP how do you see your life in a year's time? Will you be waking your now-20-year-old son for work and taking the blame when he's late? What happens when he moves out? Or is he hoping to transfer the responsibility of waking himself up from his mother to his partner?

He needs to think of some solutions, whether that's changing his shifts, napping during the day, visiting the doctor, getting new alarms - whatever. But it's for him to sort, not you.

Roussette · 21/12/2017 16:27

Stop the guilt and stop babying them. Seriously, stop. I would sit them down and explain that you're not ever going to wake him up again like this and he has to find the means to get up.

Then take your youngest with you and bugger off on holiday for a week. Bet you he manages it when you're not there.