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Original poster

Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

161 replies

VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 14:50

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

OP posts:
Sonders · 21/12/2017 16:29

OP what exactly did you want to get from this thread? Everyone has agreed that you're in a shitter right now, and provided loads of suggestions for how you can make your life better.

But you seem somewhat determined to 'lose' here too.

Your DS1 is an adult now, and he needs to take responsibility for his waking up issue - finding an alarm clock that works, seeing a doctor, whatever.

DS2 just sounds like a typical teenager, but will only get worse when he sees you being trampled down by those and around you, as well as yourself.

You seem like you could really benefit from some 'you' time, and just focus on making your life a little happier right now rather than living for those around you.

SnowBallsAreHere · 21/12/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaviesMum · 21/12/2017 16:37

Don't ask if you are being unreasonable if you are not prepared to be told yabu.

You should be kicking the pair of them out, otherwise you'll end up old and grey and still having to wipe their backsides. If you don't change, they won't: there will be no dawning realisations here.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 21/12/2017 16:40

Definition of a martyr: someone who tries to get sympathy from others when he or she has a problem or too much work, usually when that person caused the problem or chose to do the work himself or herself

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/12/2017 16:44

How will he cope when he moves out?

He'll find some girl to run around after him and make her responsible for everything. Hmm

Don't let him do this to you OP. As others have said - he is an adult. I would give himont shout in the morning and if he doesn't get up, he doesn't get up and he takes the consequences. (I'm assuming that there is no medical reason why he sleeps so deeply - that he is just like a lot of younger people and spends half the night out with mates, or playing computer games or what have you, and not going to sleep until daft o'clock.)

Sparklesocks · 21/12/2017 16:46

DS1 needs to learn to look after himself, what will he do when he moves out? Or gets a partner? Will the partner have to wake them up every day too? Nobody wants a partner who can’t look after themselves, that’s a toddler not an equal

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 21/12/2017 16:52

Sorry but I agree with your bf.
Your ds (bith of them) have to find a way that works for THEM. And that means they need to actuallybtake responsibility for finding a solution.
The solution can NOT be you waking them up.
Or turning the water off.

And they certainly canNOT make you responsible for any mishaps. At any rate, what should happen is that they feel thankful that you are helping them. Not the other way around.

Re giving your dcs too much responsibility...
I suspect this will depend a lot of who you are talking to tbh. And if going to work is being irresponsible and neglectful, then I can tell you that you probably didn’t give them too many responsibility too soon.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2017 16:57

'DS1 needs to learn to look after himself, what will he do when he moves out? Or gets a partner? Will the partner have to wake them up every day too? Nobody wants a partner who can’t look after themselves, that’s a toddler not an equal'

He'll never move out. As for a partner, not likely. I've rammed it down DD's throat, never go out with a guy who can't fucking get up in the morning, he's a lazy loser who'll bring you down.

Cracker09jacker · 21/12/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 16:59

I don't know what I wanted from the thread. I'm tired and unhappy. Sad that no one has said well done because it's no big deal or whatever. Tired of everything being such a battle. Hiring a plumber to put a tap in should be simple. Instead I'm left with a leak that he won't fix, and I can't fix, and have to pay again and cross fingers the next person will do it.

I have left my kids on their own a lot. I've had no alternative. I took a load of shit for that. Their school threatening to report me to social services (because I couldn't always answer the phone when they called, or pick up a sick child immediately, or because DS2 walked home on his own at the age of 10). And I've done my best, I really have. And I've got it wrong again.

I don't mind phoning them once or twice. I don't mind waking them up once. I'm happy to do that. It just doesn't work unfortunately.

I don't want to turn my back on them or kick them out. They are my only family. I don't have anyone else. So if I have made a rod for my own back thats the hopefully understandable reason why.

OP posts:
Roussette · 21/12/2017 17:13

Of course you want the best for your DCs, that isn't in doubt. But looking back on my DCs childhood, I probably enabled some behaviour that I had to correct at some point, it's a hard slog but you owe it to him to make him be the adult he is.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 17:24

It's difficult though.

My bf doesn't get it. He wants me to take a hard line. But he had 2 parents. His mum didn't work ft. He never went to a child minder, nor had to be responsible for a sibling. He was never home on his own for an hour let alone 11 hours a day.

So him saying that my kids should do x and y because he had to isn't fair because it ignores all the stuff they have done that he never had to!

Likewise several posts on this thread. They can't get themselves up. But there are plenty of kids a lot older who cant be left at home for a couple of hours. A colleague has 2 DC of 11 and 14, doesn't leave either on their own or together for more than 30 mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 17:29

I find it frustrating.

Much of the stuff on here are things I do already. It's on the calendar. I reminded DS2 today. But his father will still consider it my fault. Because according to him I am an inadequate parent and can't look after my own child. Yes he's a complete twat but that's the way he and his family and friends think. And there's never been anyone but me saying the contrary.

I feel like there's never anyone on my side.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 21/12/2017 17:34

OP I don't think you are REALLY taking on board what people are saying on here. Each time you post it's to make more excuses for why you can't stop what you are doing. You can but you either believe you can't or feel too guilty to stop. You are definitely showing guilt about them fending for themselves when younger but you shouldn't - you did what you had to do to survive - you have to let it go.

You owe it to yourself and any future women in your DS's lives to make changes to enable them to be fully functioning adults which they can't/won't do while you molly coddle them.

I really hope you can find a way to do what you know is best for you and them Flowers

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 17:37

But who cares what your ex thinks? Or his family? Ignore ignore ignore.

Are you sure that your relationship with your DP is a positive one? Does he make you happy? Does he add anything good to your life? Or does he just criticize you and make you feel rubbish about yourself?

I still maintain, despite all your excuses, that you need to make it clear that your oldest DS is an ADULT and needs to take responsibility for himself. I'm trying to imagine my Mum waking me up for my first job and I just can't, it's too ridiculous.

StormTreader · 21/12/2017 17:39

OP it sounds like youre carrying a lot of guilt and obligation, and your family is happy to let you carry it all and let you get the blame when things dont happen, but its not your role to be the only adult in the house any more. Your eldest used to have to be very responsible when he was 13 for a 13 year old and yes, you would have liked to have some way to avoid him having to look after his brother, but there wasnt, and it happened, and thats done now. Time to dump the guilt and look at where you are with fresh eyes.

"Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. "
If this is the case, to the extent that he misses ticketed events etc then this is either a medical issue or he needs to be an adult and change his lifestyle. If its a medical issue then he needs to get himself to the doctor and get started on getting it sorted. He is 19, some people have already been parents for 3 years at his age, he needs to get over the mindset of "well mum didnt wake me so its her fault.". Its time to let people know that they are adults and their lives arent for you to run yourself ragged for any more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2017 17:42

You have your partner OP. He’s your family too.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 21/12/2017 17:44

Oh just stop it OP. If your eldest doesn't get up for work he won't get paid. If he doesn't wash his uniform it'll stink.

If your youngest doesn't go to the dentist he'll have crap teeth.

Tell your ex to stop texting and messaging you and deal direct with his son.

Get a plumber in to fix the machine.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 17:44

I'm trying to say that in many ways they are adults. They're so much more independent than the DC of anyone I know. They've had to be.

This sleeping through alarms thing is a big issue and one that needs resolving. But I honestly don't think based on the background I've given that leaving them to it, washing my hands of them, telling them they're appalling human beings or any of the more hyperbolic comments that have been made, are the right thing to do.

If they were average kids who'd had an easy life, I'd say yes. They're doing this because they're lazy and entitled.

I don't entirely believe they are entitled. Ds2 is thoughtless and lives in his own works a lot but I dont think its done with malice. He just doesn't care about anything very much. Its hard to change his behaviour because he doesn't care. He generally gets to college on time ish. He doesn't go anywhere else. It doesn't matter to him about the dentist, he will ignore his dad (it's ds1 that gets the shit, not ds2).

DS1works 6-7 days a week so I can't call him lazy. I want to help him find a solution. He doesn't understand why he sleeps so deeply.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 17:50

I'm not sure a bf you don't live with counts as family. Certainly not in MN world.

I have tried to get a new plumber. He overcharged me for something else, and tried to charge for fixing something that didn't need doing. To get another new person I have to first try and find someone. Then get them round to look at the job. As no one will give a price otherwise. This can only be at a weekend as they won't come after 6 on a weekday. Then see if theyll give me a price. And if it's reasonable. And so on. It's not a 5 min process. I'm still waiting for a price from some one who came out in Oct...

OP posts:
Skowvegas · 21/12/2017 18:06

Good grief. I have never read quite so many excuses.

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 18:06

I'm not sure why you posted on here, as you just keep coming up with excuse after excuse.

Do you just want us all to tell you that everything is fine?

shushpenfold · 21/12/2017 18:09

Your eldest needs a vibrating pillow. They’re for people with hearing disorders who can’t wake up to fire alarms. It might work.

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/12/2017 18:14

He doesn't understand why he sleeps so deeply
So he needs to take responsibility and get himself to the doctor to investigate.
It could be an imbalance in his hormones/vitamin D that makes him so tired (it was for me).
What's he going to do when he moves out - expect you to call him every morning/knock on his door?

Ds2 is thoughtless and lives in his own world a lot....He just doesn't care about anything very much. Its hard to change his behaviour because he doesn't care
So he needs to start being more mindful of how he lives his everyday life.

The only way either of them will 'change' is if they feel the impact of their non-action/self discipline.

I have tried to get a new plumber. He overcharged me for something else, and tried to charge for fixing something that didn't need doing
For the cost of replacement parts and labour you can easily buy a second hand washing machine off Gumtree or refurb shops.

You sound ground down and stuck in a rut - the answer is either continue being a martyr or apply some tough love.
Tough love does not equal 'abandonment' or 'washing your hands of them'

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 18:14

There's a difference between excuse and explanation.

I don't expect to be told everything is fine. What I don't want is to be told I'm a shit parent who has created inadequate incompetent sons. If and when other people's kids can be trusted to be left alone for as long as mine were at the ages they were then I think you can slate me.

I appreciate what's happened is the past but I do feel it's relevant to how they are now.

OP posts: