Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

[VelvetSpoon]

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

If your DS can't be trusted to do something as simple as turn the valve off after a wash cycle then he can hand wash his uniform until he learns to be mindful - it won't kill him.

How old is your DS2?

What I get from your posts is that you agree it's difficult for your DS1 to get up, you seem to accept he is incapable of it. He isn't! As someone said... if there was £1M on the doorstep on the condition he got up at 7am to pick it up and that meant it was his... he'd manage it betcha.

In his dream like sleep, he just knows he can ignore any alarm because he knows his mother will get him up when time is running out. That is what the problem is. Don't do it. Make him be responsible for himself. You can't 'help him to find a solution'. That is just ridiculous! I left home at 16 and had been working for 3 years at your DS1's age. I managed because I had to. You need to change your DS1's mindset, i.e. Mum will sort it.

If and when other people's kids can be trusted to be left alone for as long as mine were at the ages they were then I think you can slate me

But if they were independent when they were young, surely they would be even more independent now?

The leak isn't in the washing machine Heebie, it's a pipe that leads to it. That pipe was put in by a plumber badly earlier this year. The only way to stop the leak is to shut off the water supply to that pipe at the valve. You can only use the machine with the valve on allowing the pipe to leak. The leak fills a bucket in 30 mins. If I left the pipe on all day as a pp suggested, I'd probably come home to find the floor had collapsed.

OK, I have really tried to offer you good advice, but you are not making any sense now, so I'm out.

Good luck to you and your sons.

There's a difference between excuse and explanation.

Yes - your explanation of the problem with the valve is an explanation. Fixing that would be a good idea.

The rest is excuses.

They were always woken before I left the house on a school day when they were younger, or at least one was. So no different to now really.

And Rousette I'm sorry but you're wrong about the 1m. Last year DS had tickets for an event that was incredibly important to him. It was mid afternoon. He slept until 2pm and missed it. He'd set several alarms and slept through. The friend he was going with had called him over 50 times and knocked at our door etc but he d slept through. He wasn't expecting me to wake him as he know the only time I'm physically there to do it is at 7am.

I completely get where you are coming from. I have fallen into this trap, and wish I hadn't . Sit them down when everyone is calm and explain to them that from now on you expect them to step up. No more waking up your son, no more fixing their crises. Believe me, it just gets worse. The best thing you can do for them is teach them the consequences of their own laziness. Why does your son only have one uniform? Can he ask for another one, or buy one? Get another plumber out and get the washing machine fixed.
You have to step back or you are just making a rod for your back. Make sure they get up - hoover noisily, play loud music, whatever if parcels are to be delivered. Make them a chore list and ensure they stick to it. If they don't take the internet away. That usually works like a charm.

I used to wake mine when they were at school but once they started working, nope, they were responsible for themselves.

So your DS is capable of sleeping 15 hours straight off night after night? In that case he needs to go to the Dr to see if he has hypersomnia or something. Is he overweight, is his sleep quality sleep?

A few weeks ago I was away for the night, DS had to be up early for work. Rather than risk his alarm not waking him, he stayed up all night. That is his solution but clearly not a workable one on a daily basis.

I could have written your post op literally word for word even down to the teen not waking up to alarms and the washing the uniform thing.

Not waking up to alarms is a big issue in our house as well both dp and ds sleep very very deeply and simply don’t hear them. My dp sets his alarms on the loudest setting he can and still sleeps right through them. Ds is the same I’ve watched them both.

I used to get blamed for them being late all the time and now I refuse to take the blame for anything that they try and throw at me. Dp not so much but ds has adhd and asd and has such a disordered sleep pattern and a job that doesn’t have fixed shifts. He also can’t get himself into a routine.

My ds is an adult however.He is at college and holding down a job. He frequently misses college because half the time he can’t be arsed getting up when he does hear the alarm but as he’s an adult that’s his lookout not mine.

Sounds harsh with his problems and that but he’s not that incapable and I’m not to blame my sons inability to get up.

Op you need to stop being a martyr and stand up for yourself. I was left alone as a child, parents worked full time etc and I still got up. I work full time as well. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit there and let my family blame me for thier inadequacies. Did that.

You need to get that washing machine fixed. Or look for another solution. I’d make my ds go to work in dirty uniform until he could be relied on to turn the valve on and off.

Honestly OP, I must be reading a different thread to you. As far I can see, no-one is is saying you should be washing my hands of them, telling them they're appalling human beings or any of the more hyperbolic comments that have been made, are the right thing to do.

What PP are saying is that maybe you should stop doing these things as your DSs are now young adults who need to learn to take responsibility for themselves. It would surely benefit both you and them? How else will they function when they eventually leave home?

It's obvious you are suffering hugely from feelings of guilt about when they were younger and you don't seem to be able to get past that. PP are saying you did what you had to do, no-one is blaming you, quite the reverse. Have you ever considered counseling to help with that? Maybe have a word with your doctor.

I wish you the very best, whatever you do.

Velvet - you sound exhausted to me. The more of your posts Read,the more I think that you seem to be just worn down with the worry and responsibility of these comparatively minor things - and TBH, I'm not surprised.

Your partner doesn't seem to take any real responsibility, just issues orders.

Your DS1 genuinely sleeps so deeply that he can't hear his alarm - this could lead to him losing his job if you decide to just not wake him, and you don't want that to happen for all of your sakes.

Your DS2 seems to be amiable but feckless - and it is very difficult to motivate someone who just doesn't care about anything.

I would feel exhausted, too - in fact, I think you may be on the road to depression.

Does DS1 get up straight away when you wake him (I assume you give him a shake)? What time does he get up if he's working until late at night?

There may be a medical reason for this - or he may just sleep very deeply. Some people do.

Having read your other posts, I feel quite ashamed of my flippant response to your first one. You need someone to take the weight of your shoulders, but are too tired to make the changes you need.

I hope you manage to get through these problems - and that you get your handymen problems sorted too.

RE sons sleeping - have you looked at your nutrition? Sounds like could do with a bit of a boost

Is he hydrated enough?

Enough vitamins, e.g. dark leafy greens, citrus fruits, protein, a reasonable amount of carbs (e.g. not just eating beige food all the time) and healthy fats such as oily fish, nuts and avocado?
...and is this all in balance?

The biggest things might just be to cut back carbs and sugar and double your intake of water. I think that would help greatly.

Now you've described the tickets incident with DS1, he definitely needs to see a doctor. That's not normal. He needs medical advice. He can still take over washing his own uniform now - it'll be easier now he has another set. But it's still his job not yours.

This is like reading my own mother’s martyrish comments (albeit on a different topic). Op, none of this is your problem, disengage. Honestly, the hand wringing and dredging up their childhoods and ‘cant because of __’- just stop.
My mother was told by child psychiatrist when I was a kid (abuse, trauma) to let me be responsible, if I didn’t get up on time and missed the bus and then school, that was my issue, if I didn’t bother doing my homework I had to deal with the consequences. Your grown up kid can manage working, he is able bodied, no additional needs, so his life choices are his entirely. Stop this nonsense.

Really really really you can't keep enabling this. They're adults, not kids. If you keep going at this rate, they will never develop life skills to stand on their own two feet.

You're doing way more than enough.

You're allowed to say no to doing everything for them. It's not your responsibility to make sure one is awake on time. It's not your responsibility to make sure the other one's uniform is washed. You're enabling that dependent behaviour. If they give you shit then tell them to move out and rely on themselves. It seems like they need to learn to be adults.

The washing machine, is it the inlet pipe, or the plumbing on the wall? The pipes are cheap and easy to sort out no plumber needed

I can see why people think I'm being a martyr, although I don't think I am entirely.

The posts about diet etc are something to think about. Ds1 is overweight, and rarely if ever drinks any water. At present he is up at 7-8 as he has to be at work for 9.30-10, and then finishes at 10.30pm with breaks in between. It's a long day.

The issue is with the (copper) pipework to the washing machine. No issue with machine itself. I can't solder a copper pipe. Especially as an alleged plumber doesn't seem to be able to either. I'm just cross that Rated People, the site I got his details from, had no interest in taking any details of my complaint and offered no recourse. It just proves to me that trusted websites, recommendations etc are all shit. My general fear is that people are out to rip me off and almost without exception thats been my experience of every tradesperson that's ever worked for me.

I have been a single parent since my youngest was 12. Went back to working shifts when she was 13 - she therefore had to get up and get herself to the school bus on time - no backup available- yes she failed a few times meaning a 1.5 hour journey by public transport and a bollocking from school - she soon learned to do it herself. You are enabling an adult to behave like a toddler, if you want it to stop the solution is in your hands

I do think your DS's general wellbeing, weight and diet will contribute massively to his oversleeping. Is his job a sedentary one also? Because doing that for 12 hours a day really will not help either.

At both my sons schools even in 6th form they considered ultimate responsibility for lateness rested with parents. I was told this several times by teachers. Who were always surprised that unlike all the non working parents I didn't drop my kids at the school every morning or wasn't home to know exactly when they left. If every school hadn't consistently made it my fault perhaps this would be less of a struggle now.

I'm with your boyfriend on this one. Just stop. Let them live with the consequences. If you eldest flood the utility he can pay for the damage. If he doesn't wake up in time for work then he can get fired. If your youngest misses his appointment he can pay the no show fee out of his allowance/savings. It will all go to shit for a bit but after a while they will learn to take care of themselves. If you don't let them fail, they will never learn and you will be stuck doing this until you die or they find a woman stupid enough to take them off your hands (unlikely).