Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

[VelvetSpoon]

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

It's sort of bar work so I guess semi-sedentary?

perhaps he should look at changing jobs to get a better work/life balance?
Something with more normal hours/less of a commute?

The issue I have with blithely doing what my bf says is that he freely admits I generally have a really good relationship with my boys. That I get on a lot better than he did with his parents at this age (who took a far tougher line. The kind I'm being told to take). He had a lot of problems in his teens/20s which he is still dealing with the consequences of, I'm not saying that one automatically leads tp the other but I'm reluctant to be too hard on them. That's not to say I won't be harder. But I'm not prepared to be as tough as he thinks I should be. I don't think that will benefit them.

Stop enabling them. Your son needs to get himself to a GP to discuss if this is a medical issue & look at lifestyle changes

Ds has no idea about a career, doesn't know what he wants to do. He fell into this job and persists with it because it's easy and very well paid for an unskilled teenager (he's on £11 an hour, double at weekends). It's an hour or so commute which is pretty standard? Mine is similar and I only work 7 miles away.

He's on his feet almost 12 hours a day, 6-7 days a week? He must be shattered! No the wonder he can't wake up!

If he's overweight that will also affect his energy levels and sleep patterns. He may have sleep apnoea. I used to suffer from it myself, and would quite literally finding myself falling asleep during the day - at work, on the bus etc.

Sleep apnoea causes sufferers to wake up numerous times during the might - just for milliseconds, but enough to stop them getting any rest. Sufferers stop breathing and that's what wakes them (though they aren't aware of it because they are so exhausted and just sink back into sleep again).

I was diagnosed when my GP sent me to a SleepClinic at the local hospital, where they wired me up and diagnosed me with MODERATE sleep apnoea - I was waking up more than 100/PER HOUR. And there are people much worse than I was. I got three stones off and that cured it. (I snored like a herd of pigs being driven to market, too - does your DS snore badly?)

It may be that this is what is causing your son's problem. Of course, because he is tired (and he has very little time to himself by the looks of things) it makes losing weight much harder - and he probably eats and drinks all the wrong stuff, too, just picking fast food when he is working.

See if he will ask his doctor if there is anything that can be done. I was given a CPAP machine to help me breathe. DH said it was like sharing a bed with Darth Vader, but it did help.

He works 6 days a week mostly, but only normally for 6-8 hours a day, during the Xmas period he's been working a lot more as they are busy.

I will get him to call the GP, although it will prob be middle of Jan before he gets an appt. He doesn't really snore but I still think it's worth checking out.

And I'm tired too. Work is busy. Xmas is a stressful time for me. I don't know where my relationship is going, I feel very unhappy with my appearance. I have a huge list of stuff to do before Xmas, and even more to do after.

I'll bet you are tired. So, it's time to start thinking of yourself first, even every once in a while. It's a rough time of year for us mums. So maybe try to table this in your head for the next week or so. You aren't a shit mum. You weren't neglectful, a lot of us were working parents and our kids were home alone at times. It is what it is. Maybe you are doing 'too much' right now, but it's come from your heart. Just remember that 'tough love' comes from the heart, too. Don't beat yourself up. We've all made mistakes. Remember the words of Dr Maya Angelou; "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better".

Tell your sons that beginning the first of next year you are going to work with them on being able to get up. It's like sleep training a baby, in reverse. It can be done. Get DS1 a clean bill of health then figure out a plan.

BTW, does DS1 snore? Being overweight can lead to sleep apnea which is notorious for resulting in terrible sleep including a lack of REM sleep. My DH snored terribly and was tired and grumpy almost all of the time due to poor sleep. He was diagnosed, got a CPAP machine and his sleep quality improved 100%.

And as I mentioned upthread, my DS2 never woke up to alarms and I was constantly shouting up the stairs, ripping covers off, etc to get him to school. I put my foot down once he started working and we worked together to get him to the point where he wakes up to an alarm. He wasn't always a 'willing participant' but we persisted. He still sleeps til all hours at the weekend, but he's trained himself to wake up to an alarm on work days.

I agree with consulting a Dr about DS1's sleeping. The trouble waking in the morning might be because he's not sleeping well. If he's overweight he could have something like sleep apnea. Keeping the blinds open at the time (was that DS1?) won't help either.

He's got 3 A levels. He was thinking about an degree apprenticeship but wasn't convinced it was for him. He's not a stupid boy he just doesn't know what he wants to do. He thought about dentistry (then did really badly in his science gcses so realised that wasn't for him), then considered teaching. But some teaching assistant experience put him off. Accountancy he thought about but wasn't sure of. It's difficult to advise. I've known what I wanted to do since I was 14. Ds2 also knows what he wants to do. Whereas ds1 just doesn't have that direction. There was no real advice at school either apart from pushing kids to uni (which I was very much of the view that unless he knew what he wanted to do was a waste of money...). So we are where we are.

Acrossthepond I love that Maya Angelou quote. I am hyper critical of myself for not doing past things better. I only learned to drive last year, and now regularly berate myself for not learning sooner.

We will do better next year. He finishes on Sat and then is off til the 28th. So that's a few stress free days before then too.

You can get these amazing alarms where the top takes off like a helicopter and you have to find the top and put it back in for the noise to stop - so you have to get out of bed. I was given one and used it once - the noise was like an air raid siren and it made me absolutely panic - my ex dp was desperately searching for the bit while I was sitting on the alarm having wrapped it in the quilt - it sure did get us out of bed and awake though!!

You sound like superwoman!

Maybe have a house meeting and let everyone know that you love them, want to help but you're feeling so drained at the moment and you need to focus on your work too. If they could all take the initiative a bit more like having their phone never on silent but on vibrate.

Just looked up the Sonic boom clock, fingers crossed that will work as it sounds loud!

Hello OP. I totally sympathise. My DS is 18 and I'm about to pull the plug. I do everything for him and it has been a massive fail.

I was you last year.
DS1 slept through every alarm, and I used to wake him with a cup of tea every morning at 7.30 am and chivvy him out of bed. He's 24!
But as he worked in my school, I felt I HAD to ensure he was up ...ok with minimum time to get ready, but UP.
But then... unexpectedly, I had a chance to travel for a few months with DD2. I worried about it a lot... I do everything in the house ..how would DS1 and DS2 function? (DS2 has autism and learning disabilities so genuinely unable to care for himself)

Guess what... they survived! Dh took over helping DS2 but DS1 had to get his own arse out of bed, do his own laundry etc. and now I have been home a month and I have not woken him once!

Once I STOPPED he HAD to take responsibility. And is much better for it....

OP your DS1 sounds like a hardworking lad and this not waking thing is just a momentary blip. I would get him to check himself out at the Dr although I do think he has got himself into some sort of habit but it will do no hard. You sound like a supportive Mum, it's just a bit skewed at the moment and it'll all come out in the wash (bad joke given your washing machine )

I've read the thread since I was last on. I'm out too. There is no point continuing with this.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP. It is very easy to slip into these things. Just because other 19 year olds are out there raising their families and living on their own it doesn't mean that all 19 year olds are capable of it.

But, the not being able to wake up issue is a big one. You can't continue thinking that you waking him up is a viable option. It isn't. He has to get this sorted. So get him to the GP. He needs to have some tests done. That might include running tests on his blood, it might be a sleep clinic, who knows. But something needs to be done because something is WRONG.

Oh and I totally understand the difficulty in getting a decent plumber. We spent a year with a problem with our boiler because the twat of an electrician used a faulty wire, when that was fixed we realised the plumber hadn't installed the hot water tank overflow pipe all the way out of the house - we found that out when the ceiling caved in. Fucking twats of a building company shut up shop......

Perhaps if you tell us your area someone here could recommend someone?

Also regards DS2, the lack of time management ability. Could there be a bigger issue here? Could it be a processing issue? I may be way off the mark here, but have you considered Autism? His complete lack of 'involvement' and 'caring' indicates something else is going on here as well. Have a look at this, it's not necessarily only those with autism who suffer it, but there are some helpful hints on how to tackle time management here:

www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/organising-sequencing-prioritising.aspx

"I feel like there's never anyone on my side."

This stood out to me. You have to be on your own side in life - I think that is the strongest lesson that I have ever learned. You have to be kind and respectful to yourself. You have to advocate for yourself. You have to put yourself first sometimes. And it is good for our children to see us doing that. They learn how to advocate for themselves.

You learned to drive and now beat yourself up for not learning sooner. Every time you have a negative thought about that, say out loud "I have done brilliantly" and chase the negative thoughts away.

With respect to your sons, imagine that you are at work. And you do a particular task every single day that doesn't work and has never worked. It takes time and effort but never benefits anyone. And yet every day you keep doing the same thing and expect that today it will work. Wouldn't you just stop doing it? And find a different way? Try a few different things and see which one, whilst still not ideal, is better than what you are doing now?

I am not an expert at all, but you sound so worn down with it all that a visit to the GP might be in order in case you have depression.

Sorry, my post wasn't clear there.

I don't think you are on your own side at the moment, OP. I think that is the main problem that you have.

Being the only person on my side is pretty tiring though. I've never shared the load as an adult. My mum died when I was 21 and my dad when I was 25, grandparents when I was a child or before I was born. Going through life without anyone to share the load or even discuss stuff with, is really hard. And people don't get that. Because until you are completely on your own you can't know what it's like.

This isn't just about DS not being able to get up (This isn't a recent thing, he's been like it for the last 6 years or so. Before that as a baby/ young child he never slept more than 8 hours a night, often less, and never more than 2 hours at a time) there are more issues.

My GP doesn't believe in depression. In her mid 20s wisdom she thinks I just need to do more and be more positive. And that because I'm not sad every day there's nothing wrong with me. Let's hope she's more use with DS.

Just to say 're the helicopter alarm. We had one. It didn't wake him up and eventually it broke because the bit that spins off wasn't being put back quickly enough. The sonic boom also didn't work. I'm now trying another one which has a strobe light and is meant to be very noisy. Hoping that does the trick, if I stop waking him his only option currently is to stay up all night which clearly isn't sustainable. He then ends up falling asleep on the train (luckily he travels with a mate so no risk of missing his stop) or during the day in his rest breaks.

He's 19, a grown man.
He needs to get himself out of bed! Alot of kids have jobs at 16 and manage it.

I get that this is overwhelming, feeling that you're on your own.
But there are things you can do to help yourself! Like this -

If your GP is not supportive, FGS change GP!