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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fed up with having to do everything and always being blamed

161 replies

VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 14:50

I am fed up. I am only one person. No family.

I am expected to do everything. I have 2 teenagers. I've posted about them many times before. Eldest is 19 and cannot wake up in mornings by alarm. He has had various alarms including a sonic boom type. Still didn't work. I basically have to shake him/ shout at him or get my younger DS to. No good if neither of us are at home. I've bought him another alarm for Xmas but I'm sceptical it will work. Consequently he blames me every time he's late because he didn't get up in time. And everyone else thinks I'm at fault apart from my bf who thinks i should do nothing for him ever. Which isn't helpful either.

DS doesn't finish work til 10.30 and until recently only had 1 set of uniform meaning I had to stay up til 12.30/1 every night to get it washed (he can use the washing machine competently however due to a prick of a plumber who did some work for me you have to switch the valve on before use and off immediately after otherwise the utility room gets flooded. DS can't be relied on to turn the valve off).

Ds2 is becoming as bad. Today he has a dentists appt. He knows about it. I've been ringing him since 12. We've also had a parcel delivered which he needs to bring in. His phone is almost certainly on silent so I can be ringing him all day and he won't know. I don't have any more time to keep calling. Meanwhile his dad who is taking him to the appt is ringing DS1 she moaning at him that i haven't made sure DS2 is ready so I have DS1 complaining about that too.

And the delivery driver moaning no one answered the door and then apparently not understanding English when i suggested where he leave parcel.

I've done no work this afternoon because of these interruptions. I've just had enough.

I've just been promoted (ok it's pretty token, no real pay rise) and lots of people at work have congratulated me. Nothing from bf or either DS though.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 21/12/2017 15:27

Most likely he doesn't wake up easily because he has no sense that it is his own responsibility to make sure he is up in time for work. In the same way as people say their husbands don't hear their baby crying in the night - because they don't think it is their responsibility.

What do you think your primary role is as a parent? Because I think that a parent's main job is making sure that their children grow up to be adults who are independent, can take care of themselves and don't need to rely on another person. You are not doing your sons any favours in the long run, you are just enabling childish, child-like behaviour.

What do you think will change in the future? Why will it change? When will your children have a reason to take responsibility for themselves?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:31

It's a genuine question. I can't always guarantee my alarm will wake me. I set 5 alarms on my phone, I normally on the 3rd. However if someone rang my phone repeatedly that too would wake me.

I bought DS the sonic boom after the stuff with school. Its a recommended alarm for heavy sleepers. It still didn't wake him, not reliably. He would sleep through it. It's not just me, his friends say that they can shout in his ear when he's asleep and he doesn't flinch.

I did raise this with my GP a number of years ago who basically didn't believe me and said if there was a problem he'd grow out of it and i'd have to keep waking him til then.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 21/12/2017 15:32

I think I'd step back, way back other than on getting the washing machine fixed. They're behaving like that cos they can. So stop. Tell them from tomorrow they're responsible for getting themselves up and leave them to it.

TheFrendo · 21/12/2017 15:32

You must stop doing this. It is not helping at all. You are training them not to be responsible.

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 15:33

The guy moaned to me for 10 mins about how there was no answer when he knocked, why wasn't I there, blah blah.

If a tradesman spoke to me like this I would tell him to leave and find someone else to do the job.

In the nicest possible way OP, you are being a doormat. Stop letting people treat you like this!

Neverender · 21/12/2017 15:34

DH doesn't wake up well. I leave him to it and if he's late, he's late. It's not your responsibility to find a solution to this.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2017 15:34

I'd actually rent my own flat and leave the three of them to it.

category12 · 21/12/2017 15:35

Stop accepting the blame.

"No, you're an adult now."
"No, he's an adult now".
If DS1 is late to work, it's his problem.

DS2 knows he has an appointment. If he misses it, he has to re-arrange it.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:35

It's funny because when I said years ago my kids were at home for 11-12 hours on their own I was told that was too much responsibility for a 10 and 13 yo. Now apparently I've never given them enough responsibility.

Ds1 sleeps through. He just doesn't hear them, like he doesn't hear his phone ringing. He doesn't get home til 11.30-12 due to work. Wi-Fi goes off at 12.30.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 21/12/2017 15:35

category12

Absolutely!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2017 15:36

Get one of these for your sons.www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3316904/Waking-SMACK-dawn-Alarm-clock-slaps-face-bed.html
Stop helping them out of their fixes.
Tell your BF to mind his own or get rid of him if he's not being helpful, but causing you more grief.

If everyone is moaning at you it's because you are used to accepting the blame. Stop accepting it.

Your DS1 is a grown-arse adult man. It's HIS problem if he doesn't get up and it should be HIS problem to sort it out. What if you weren't there? Who is he going to blame then? He needs to start taking responsibility.

Your DS2 is learning from him. Soon he will be a grown-arse man as well, so he'd better buck his ideas up and start taking responsibility now, not try to fix it when it's too late.

Get REALLY LOUD bells on everything, including the door. I realise this is you taking responsibility again, but you only have to do this once and then it's down to them.

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 15:36

But if your DS sleeps through his alarm it is not your problem, he's an adult!!

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 21/12/2017 15:37

All DS2s dental appts are arranged by his father who pays for them. He considers it my responsibility to make DS2 available.

The repair man was sent by a company I have a contract with. I complained about him. I'm now having to wait 2 months for another appt...

OP posts:
TemptressofWaikiki · 21/12/2017 15:39

Going to try and order you the world smallest violin to accompany you while you continue lamenting about being self-styled martyr. Just stop pandering. End of. Sort the bloody valve. Stop trying to find excuses for being so weak and raising self-entitled bullies.

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 15:40

OP can you not find another repair man? I know it's annoying to pay extra when you have a contract but having things fixed will make your life easier!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2017 15:41

DS2's father can take a running jump off a short pier regarding his "considerations". Let HIM be the one to ensure that his son gets to the appointments that he makes!

FFS, this sort of thing really pisses me off.

rubums · 21/12/2017 15:41

What about one of those vibrating wristband alarm clocks? Could get him one as Xmas pressie (I realise it's late notice!) or as a belated present and when you give it him say you won't be waking him any longer.

Can he also purchase/ get a second uniform for work so he you doesn't have to wash it every evening when he gets in? Thus enabling him to have an early night and be able to get up easier in the morning?

chickenowner · 21/12/2017 15:41

Actually Temptress does have a point.

All your problems are easily sorted out. Just stop letting people (men?) treat you like this. Stop treating your adult son like a child. Stop letting your ex moan at you about things that are not your fault. And definitely stop letting electricians and plumbers mess you around and be rude to you!

When you take control you will feel so much better.

Tinty · 21/12/2017 15:43

Get a cat, don't feed it when you get up in the morning, just put it in DS1's bedroom and shut the door. Grin

Just kidding for all cat lovers (I am one), but they can be pretty determined if you fancy sleeping in! Wink

thedevilinablackdress · 21/12/2017 15:43

Vibrating wrist alarm for the heavy sleeper? But also suggest this in a "I'm handing this issue over to you as you're a grown up"

Ellisandra · 21/12/2017 15:46

It sounds like he has a genuine difficulty waking up to an alarm.
If he was setting multiple alarms and going to bed at an appropriate time, I'd support him by waking him.

I damn well wouldn't take any shit from him about it being my fault though. How is that happening? Are you committing to waking him, then not doing it?

DeepanKrispanEven · 21/12/2017 15:47

DS1 will certainly learn to get up on time all by himself if you're not there to wake him. Likewise he will (a) push for a second uniform and (b) learn to use the washing machine if you don't do his washing.

As for the repair contract - email them NOW to say they are in breach of contract and if they don't pull their fingers out you will be cancelling the contract and suing them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2017 15:48

What do you want people to say?! You’ve made a rod for your own back, you’re complaining and you’re batting back every suggestion with yet more excuses?

What do you want? No one’s going to change. You have to change. And if u were your DP I’d be going nuts living with these manchildren and a partner who chooses to martyr herself for them!

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2017 15:49

My DS2 was this way. He was such a sound sleeper and it seemed as if nothing would wake him! I kept at it as long as he was in school. Once he graduated and started working I told him that he'd have to 'wean' himself off of me shouting up the stairs until he finally got up. It took some time but he did it. He's still not a morning person, but he manages to drag himself out of bed and get to work on time.

So, the first thing you have to do is sit both of them down and tell them that you will no longer be their personal alarm clock nor will you accept responsibility if they don't get up. If you don't want to go 'cold turkey' then work out a 'step down' strategy.

And stop being a martyr! It never gets you the appreciation you want. It just gets more and more of other people's responsibilities shoved on your shoulders.

Aki99 · 21/12/2017 15:52

Stop making excuses for them and stop taking the blame. If your son has sleep problem send him to the dr (there could be a medical problem?) also what time does he go to sleep - he actually sounds lazy unless there is an underlying medical problem.

Get the plumber in to sort out the pipes - your husband sounds a bit useless but he must be able to sort this out