WIBU to make a house guest get up!?

[crisscrosscranky]

I have my niece staying with me over Xmas; she's Canadian but currently working in Barcelona my mother invited her to stay at my house. Due to weird family dynamics she's actually a few years older than me; she's just turned 31 (relevant I think). She's been here for a week now and is staying until 8th January. She's driving me mad.

I'm trying to get house, 2 kids, fridge and myself ready for Xmas and DH will be working until Xmas eve.

She gets up around 11am every morning, makes herself breakfast just before I am making lunch and leaves the kitchen in a state, gets dressed around 1pm and then just sits and watches telly unless I suggest we go out (together- she doesn't go alone!). She doesn't offer to cook, whizz the hoover round, watch the kids for me, wash up... it's like having a third child teenager living with us. So as not to drop feed it's made worse by the fact she's a vegan and is expecting me to either make a separate dinner or we all eat vegan.

Anyway, my AIBU- WIBU to tell her she needs to be up, dressed and breakfasted by 10? Xmas is our family time and she's ruining it for me by giving me more to do than I need; even DD1 (11) is getting irritated by it!?

I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's.

Agree there's no need to be awkward if you're a vagena

I have literally nothing to add, but . I know it's a typo but it sounds rude

I would say that its getting closer to Christmas and busy times you need her to clean up after herself as you won't have time to do it, I wouldn't expect her to vacuum though.

Ask for an evening of babysitting? its the least she could do.

10.50am bacon into frying pan...

Every time she leaves a mess nicely ask her to go and tidy it up.

Let her sleep in - that’s not really an issue.

Dinner - no way would I be catering a vegan meal every night. She can go to your mum’s for dinner!

If she never goes anywhere and does do anything with you what was the point in her coming? Would she prefer to be in Barcelona?

Late sleeping doesn't bother me but I expect an adult to clear up after themselves and not leave a mess. I'd also expect visiting family to muck in around the house. I would be surprised if a guest being catered for didn't offer to cook occasionally or take everyone out for dinner one night. I don't have a problem catering for specific diets but I would expect them to help.

You are going to have to have the difficult conversation if you don't want this going on until she leaves.

Op be prepared next Christmas and tell dm you're decorating the spare room so nowhere for guests - just in case!

I really can't understand you cooking her meals either. If she was at home for a month she'd be shopping, cooking, spending money as normal, so why should it be any different if she's staying at yours? I'd only offer her what you're all eating, otherwise she can sort herself out and clean up afterwards.

Is your niece my friend? She did exactly the same. With the added bonus of slamming around when ds was napping and late at night when we were all in bed.

We no longer talk.

crisscrosscranky, Would you feel comfortable saying something, like "Hey, you've been here a week now..yayyy! You just graduated from guest to family, and guess what that means? I could sure use a side kick to help make make a great Christmas! lt will be more fun with you! Kitchen is my command centre. Christmas time we usually try and have breakfasts together, and are ready to do things earlier in the day. And prepare for Christmas together, shopping, cooking, table, see lights. Would she mind helping with hovering, is that to much? (or whatever you are trying to do) How does that sound?
Said in an enthusiatic, cheerful and merry tone, but not a deranged elf with spreadsheets, 342 lists and handmaking tablecards on list way.

Ugh. Nightmare. Have you got any leverage with DM? Even if OTT 'this is so bad, you invited her, if you want to see DDs again this side of next summer you jolly well have her to stay on the air bed'?

Or just say 'sorry lazy CF, mum didn't explain you'd be here for three weeks so Im really going to need board and lodging from you, but if you do three hours of chores per day it's half'

OR - I'm on a roll - can you get a hog's carcass or similar in for Christmas Day - something truly huge and gruesome which will last for two weeks and she'll just leave. Tell her it's normal and you do it every year and it has to last until 12th night on 6th Jan!

Hold on a minute! How come your DB and DM have access to the word "no" and you don't? You've done your bit and beyond, someone else's turn now. Never mind DM invited her so a hotel would be an unexpected expense, this "guest" was an unexpected expense for you! DM needs to foot the bill. It isn't working. "Guest" can shut the door behind her on the way out.

Sounds like a nightmare, best of luck dealing with it!

Just send her to your mum’s. The whole situation is daft and she’s shown herself to be incredibly selfish and immature so things don’t change but if you try and get her to step up and be a reasonable house guest you’ll have a horrible atmosphere on top of the existing irritation.

What sort of Christmas is this going to mean for your poor DC, who are also on holiday and have had their home invaded by a big, lazy woman child who’s making their mum stressed?

Kick her out! If your mum can’t host her she pays for a hotel.

No one would ever invite someone to stay in my home. Not a bloody chance! But you’ve tried to be nice and given it a go and time has run out.

this is annoying me and it's not even my house

For the PP's who said they can't believe I'd let someone invite someone else to stay in my home... you haven't met my mother!

What does she do?

If she says "I've invited niece and she's staying at your house", ask "Why?", then "And...?" ending with "Not my problem".

Or put be honest with your niece and tell her she can stay if she proves to be a decent house guest, or she can move to her granny.

The only issue I have with her behaviour is the not tidying up after herself. Surely this could be resolved by telling her to tidy up her mess?

There is no way I would expect a guest, family or otherwise, to do actual housework and I definitely would not expect them to be free childcare!

I don't think you can have a 'big talk' with her without ending up with a really uncomfortable atmosphere for the remaining...crikey...2.5 weeks. What is she actually doing on Christmas Day? Are you expected to cook that vegan? Do they sell candles that give off a roast chicken smell you could burn continuously?

I'd invite your mum around for the day and go: Big Niece, mum has invited you for Christmas day dinner - she's looking forward to cooking vegan for you. Let her mum splutter her tea all she likes.

In the next breath, thank her for offering to babysit on New Year's - your mum also mentioned that, didn't she?

But seriously, I think the only thing you can really do is address things on an individual basis. Please can you clean up the kitchen. We're struggling with bathroom access - sorry, before you jump in there, can you please keep it twenty minutes at this time?

She's a CF, your mum is a CF, it sounds like you have sibling CFs.

It all depends on how much you can personally cope with confrontation.

What is people's obsession with making other people get up early? We don't all have the same body clock and if she's on holiday, she'll be wanting a lie-in. Why are late risers considered "lazy" but people who go to bed early not - they both want to sleep just at different times! I can't believe some of you think it's reasonable to make noise on purpose to wake her up!

Plus, I would never expect a house guest to take care of my children or hoover! If they offered, that would be lovely but I wouldn't expect it. And I wouldn't expect her to be out all day in wint either.

However, I know it's annoying having a house guest under your feet which is why I personally wouldn't invite anyone for more than a long weekend! And I do think that YANBU to expect her to clean up after herself and prepare her own special meals if she can't eat what you have prepared.

Get your kids involved - they can earn extra presents by being noisy, invading her room early in the morning, not giving her a moment's peace (while you smile indulgently and say 'aren't they rascals'), whining at her (if they can get the sort of pitch you'd have if you combined 'are we there yet' and 'I'm bored' you'd be onto a winner), and generally getting on her nerves. And a minute after she's entered the bathroom they get to bang on the door and claim that they desperately need the toilet and any others in the house are already occupied. She'll be begging to leave and your kids will have a fab holiday!
In advance of meal time you announce 'we're having lamb chops / rare steak etc, feel free to make something else if you prefer' and cook what you want. And definitely start the day with bacon sarnies.
When she starts sobbing you can suggest that she'd probably be more comfortable at DM's so why don't you run her round there straight away (without warning DM). Drop her off and don't answer the phone or the door for at least 48 hours. Job done.

While she sounds like a complete pain in the arse I have to say that making a vegan Christmas dinner isn’t so hard.
The veg will be vegan unless you put butter on it. Ditto roast potatoes unless you cook them in goose fat. Basic red bisto is vegan. Paxo sage and onion stuffing is vegan.

Can you giblet your turkey very all over the place in the kitchen.
I'd be considering buying a side of lamb.

She sounds like a right PITA - you are going to tell her you don't need to work of an extra child around the place, especially this time of year. She needs to start pulling her weight of piss off (I have a much younger sister who would try this sort of crap on but I don't have any problem of pulling her up about it).

Much sympathy OP

We quite often have people stay for a few weeks at a time and as a result of good stays and not so stays have an idea of what works and what doesn't.

Set some time limits around meals, kind of like hotels do. Breakfast is from 6:30-10, after that I need the kitchen clear so I can clean and work on lunch.

Be very clear she needs to clean up after herself and when she doesn't haul her back in ,"hi cf cousin, can you just clear up your breakfast stuff I need the kitchen clear to do ..."

Be clear that she is going to help maintain the house, "We are all going to have to pitch in the keep the house sorted, do you prefer vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom?" Then produce vacuum when it is time to use it.

If you have a car drive her to supermarket to buy food stuff she wants, give her a small trolley and tell her you will meet her at the entrance in 40 minutes time.

When you are cooking meals state, "We are not eating a vegan friendly meal tonight, we are eating at x time if you would like to prepare your meal at the same time so we can eat together" Try and cook some things she can share.

If you all need to share the bathroom, get everyone together including her and work out timings for the whole family including her.

I have created these rules over years of our guests some of whom were love, some bloody awful, family are often the worst!

OMG I would have gone batshit by now.

I think you need to start making her a LOT more uncomfortable than she is now!

No more food pandering.

Serious chat about kitchen use and bathroom hogging.

And tell your mother that it isn't going to reflect well on her when there is a row... and there is going to be one very soon. Perhaps she could reconsider the airbed.

Your mother treats you like a doormat because you let her. Point black no? SHE invited her. Tough shit. If I were your husband I'd drive the gal over to your mum's and tell her to go on in as I need to just get some petrol and leave her arse there. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! It's your child's first Christmas and you have your cow mother doing this? Fuck that, too.

expat you've handed me some tough straight talking in the past (which I have found hard to deal with) but as always,you are 100% right.

Listen to expat. She talks the sense.

You seem to be treating her like one of your kids. If she leaves a trail of destruction, point it out, tell —don’t ask— her to clean the fuck up! Don’t cook extra/different stuff for her, she can cook her own or at the least, provide it. Give her the hoover, send her to the shops, tell her it’s her turn to cook. Don’t let her dictate to you how to behave in your own home, it’s ridiculous!