WIBU to make a house guest get up!?

[crisscrosscranky]

I have my niece staying with me over Xmas; she's Canadian but currently working in Barcelona my mother invited her to stay at my house. Due to weird family dynamics she's actually a few years older than me; she's just turned 31 (relevant I think). She's been here for a week now and is staying until 8th January. She's driving me mad.

I'm trying to get house, 2 kids, fridge and myself ready for Xmas and DH will be working until Xmas eve.

She gets up around 11am every morning, makes herself breakfast just before I am making lunch and leaves the kitchen in a state, gets dressed around 1pm and then just sits and watches telly unless I suggest we go out (together- she doesn't go alone!). She doesn't offer to cook, whizz the hoover round, watch the kids for me, wash up... it's like having a third child teenager living with us. So as not to drop feed it's made worse by the fact she's a vegan and is expecting me to either make a separate dinner or we all eat vegan.

Anyway, my AIBU- WIBU to tell her she needs to be up, dressed and breakfasted by 10? Xmas is our family time and she's ruining it for me by giving me more to do than I need; even DD1 (11) is getting irritated by it!?

I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's.

I would point out to her that this might be her holiday but it’s yours too - if she wants a hotel she can go to a hotel, but otherwise she needs to muck in and be a bit more considerate.

Or send her to your mums. In fact, better idea all round. Cite meat contamination on all eating implements.

Second the suggestion to swap. Tell your brother and his gf they can share a bed at yours in return for a tiny bit of help around the house, and ship the Big Niece off to your mum's.

It's your own fault, I'm afraid.
Nobody would invite somebody to stay at our home only me or dh.
I feel sorry for your dc, it must be an upheaval for them.
If your mum wants her here, then she goes to your mums or a hotel.
Why on earth do you let your mum make decisions on your behalf?

She's canadian, & 31, I would call your mother & say DB can come to yours, & say to her, Mum would love for you to go there. if this isn't possible,

say, You are doing my head in, you must clean up my kitchen after using it.
& I am not making special meals, if you need special food, you will need to prepare your own.
& Oh this TV is rubbish, can you just push the hoover round

doesn't she want to get on the train to London & visit anything ? why has she bothered coming to the UK ?

I'd send her to your mother's, but if that doesn't work, I'd be laying down some ground rules - with a bit of luck, she'll find them so annoying she'll go and find somewhere else to stay.

I couldn't be doing with having that level of disruption on a daily basis, especially not from a grown-arsed woman who should know better! She's not a fucking teenaged student, she should pull her act together and stop being an inconsiderate slob. You're not her fecking mother!

And as an aside, I know it's done now, but I absolutely would not have ever put up with someone inviting someone else to MY home without my say so - fuck that!

She can share a room with your db's girlfriend!

@RavingRoo, a 'guest' is a friend you invite for a few days. A relative invited by someone else for more than 3 weeks is not a guest - they are family.

Even a guest should offer to help and should certainly clear up after themselves. It isn't a hotel! Regardless of what she is, the Op's niece is being extraordinarily rude. She's behaving like a spoilt teenager and should treated as such.

Tell her straight that she is taking the piss. Tell her what she needs to do to continue to be accommodated, and that is she can't or won't she will be leaving within 24 hours. She can sofa surf at your mums or check into a hotel.

Can you let us know how it goes OP? I am intensely irritated by the sound of this guest, it is making me feel hemmed in and claustrophobic just reading your message.

Oh yes. My DM invited my freeloader cousin to stay for a couple of weeks at my house once.

Once.

I point blank refused to host when I was told. DM went daft saying that she'd already invited her and that she would look bad and it would cause a massive rift with DM and my aunt. Not my fucking problem.

DM eventually paid for a hostel room for cousin, and I did back down slightly by letting her stay for the first three days until she got her bearings in the city and taking her out once guess who paid for the rounds.

But it's worked. Now DM knows not to volunteer me for anything unless she's cleared it with me first.

I'd suggest that you tell your DM that you plan to chuck her out by X day and that DM needs to make other arrangements. I would also be feeding pure sugar to the kids and inviting lots of their friends around for an 8am play-date.

I'd hand her the rubber gloves every time she attempts to leave her mess behind in the kitchen.

Then I'd eat nothing but meat. Meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, everything. I'm not even a big meat eater but I would do it while she's there. She would get pasta every single day.

I think YABabitU

Your niece is an adult, so treat her like one and just have an adult conversation about her behaviour.

You are seeing her as family who should automatically pitch in and help, she clearly feels like a guest to be catered to. You need to sit down with her and explain that whilst she is a guest you do not run a hotel and she needs to help, especially as this is a busy time of year and you don't have the time or inclination to clear up after her.

She may also not be used to living with other people (does she live alone in BCN?) and just doesn't realise how inconvenient her behaviours are. On the weeks DD is with her dad I live alone and can get into bad habits because nobody else is affected if I stay up late and leave all the washing up for a couple of days etc.

Set some ground rules - that way you both know the expectations and are on the same page. She's welcome to make whatever breakfast she likes but she needs to clear up after herself. 10/15 minute shower limit in the mornings as others need the bathroom too and she can't monopolize it for 40+mins every morning. She is welcome to join your family for meals but you will not be cooking exclusively vegan so she either eats the vegan bits of your meals or provides her own, you will not be making her vegan meals in addition to your own family meals. Ask her to do things to help round the house rather than waiting for her to do things - "Hey DN, would you mind giving the lounge/hallway a quick run over with the Hoover while I do the kitchen?" "Hey DN, since I made dinner you can do the washing up, DC can do the drying up" etc. If I was staying with family then I would most likely offer to help with chores but if I didn't then my family would just ask rather than seethe that I hadn't offered. I wouldn't just start cleaning without having been directed to do so by the homeowner as it would feel like I was judging their housework level unless it was something obvious - e.g. a plant gets knocked over, it's common sense to pick it up and hoover up any soil that can't be picked up from the carpet.

Good heavens, vegan meals. What a nightmare - I wouldn't know where to start. Practically everything is banned with them isn't it?!!

You sound too nice and accommodating op. Time for some straight talking. She's 31 so she really shouldn't need to be told what bad manners it is to be a house guest who does nothing, but she obviously does.

Second the suggestion to swap. Tell your brother and his gf they can share a bed at yours in return for a tiny bit of help around the house, and ship the Big Niece off to your mum's.

Genius! ^ this

She's lazy, but even so I can't believe she isn't fitting in with you and your family as she's staying for more than a couple of days.

She either needs to get up and eat breakfast with the family (which I'd expect and hope to do if I was staying with someone), so from tomorrow tell her you need to start getting organised for Xmas, it's hard trying to fit around different schedules, so it'd be great if she could join you for breakfast.

I'm veggie and I know it's not easy to cater for so I always offer to make something myself or get some ready meals. Tell her your struggling with vegan meals and are under stress with so much to do now and ask if she could kindly cook the next few evenings (obviously something vegan but it'd still good not having to do it yourself).

With regards to housework, if I was staying with someone I'd be offering to help them with meals (as a social thing), do washing up and if more than a couple of days walking to local shops for the odd item and at least the hoovering, putting rubbish out.

She's family and it's your home,she is not a paying customer in a B&B so she either gets up and pulls her fucking weight or fucks off!

That would be my message to her!She is a grown women so start treating her like one and stop her behaving like she's a teenager and your her Mum!

She needs to tidy up after herself all of the time(like any other adult would)and she needs to make her own food and shut the fuck up about meat and you need to tell her there's a time limit on baths/showers of 15 minutes because you can't afford the extra money that her 45 minutes every day using all of your hot water is going to cost you and ask her when she's going to treat all of you to dinner(take away or she buys for it cooks it and cleans up after it)which ever she'd like it's her choice.

After all you are saving her how much money and at this time of year,if she gets funny about it show her how much it would cost her to stay in a B&B over Christmas and tell her she's welcome to go and stay in one if she'd prefer and that you totally understand whilst giving her the Mumsnet smile and slanted head

No you shouldn’t need to cook separate meals however it’s veganism- fairly common!

Buy an air bed and send to to DM. She can share with the gf.

Your house your rules!

I think she's being incredibly rude. She's saving a fortune on staying with you instead of in a hotel, the least she can do is tidy up after herself and repay your generous hospitality by offering to cook dinner occasionally or help out occasionally. The fact she's vegan is a red herring, I work with a woman who is vegan it doesn't stop her prepping her lunch or bringing in a homemade cake.

Also, getting up at 11am, hogging the bathroom and making breakfast when you're trying to make lunch is just rude!! She's 31 not 13!

I would say the following to her "We're pleased we're able to help you out with somewhere to stay over Christmas and New Year and you must've been so relieved we offered as hotels cost a fortune at the time of year. But unfortunately the time you're getting up and making breakfast really isn't working for us as a family. Could you please get up, make breakfast and use the bathroom before 10am? That will still give you a considerable slow start to your morning. And also I've been thinking it would be really nice if you joined me in cooking the evening meal whilst you're here, we'd love to try some vegan food if you'd like to have a go at cooking a meal"

Have already suggested to mum about an air bed- that was a point blank no.

Have already suggested brother's gf could stay here- that was a no from my brother (we don't really get on he is also a lazy shit and I won't let him smoke weed at my house)

I'm stuck with her staying here- she can't afford a hotel for the time and my mother did invite her so it's not an expected expense. I'm just going to have to speak to her about it- especially about Xmas day as it's DD2's first Christmas. I think a PP got nail on the head about pinning down the actual thing I'm peeved about which I think is not having my home to myself.

For the PP's who said they can't believe I'd let someone invite someone else to stay in my home... you haven't met my mother!

I suspect she's being deliberately obtuse about it as she's made several comments about Veganism and I think she's trying to make it hard for us to eat meat.

Bacon butties for breakfast every morning?

Ask when your DB GF is going home and send her there to use the spare room.

Cooking a separate meal because she's vegan? Fuck that! And I say that as someone with Coeliac. I never expect my hosts to cater to my needs. I bring/buy my own food and we usually manage with a mishmash of what they are cooking supplemented with my GF stuff. AND I clean up after myself.

The getting up late wouldn't bother me as long as they weren't sleeping in the living room. Heck, if they slept til noon I'd figure at least they weren't underfoot. But I certainly wouldn't be quiet doing my usual chores (i.e. I wouldn't put off hoovering because of the noise) and I'd ask them to move if they were in the way.

And there's nothing wrong with asking/telling a guest to clean up after themselves.

Agree there's no need to be awkward if you're a vagena - we had a cheese party a couple of weeks ago and DH's colleague came and brought vegan cheese!

I was cross with him for not telling me she was a vegan before the party so I could get some stuff in for her, I'd have gladly made vegan canapes