WIBU to make a house guest get up!?

[crisscrosscranky]

I have my niece staying with me over Xmas; she's Canadian but currently working in Barcelona my mother invited her to stay at my house. Due to weird family dynamics she's actually a few years older than me; she's just turned 31 (relevant I think). She's been here for a week now and is staying until 8th January. She's driving me mad.

I'm trying to get house, 2 kids, fridge and myself ready for Xmas and DH will be working until Xmas eve.

She gets up around 11am every morning, makes herself breakfast just before I am making lunch and leaves the kitchen in a state, gets dressed around 1pm and then just sits and watches telly unless I suggest we go out (together- she doesn't go alone!). She doesn't offer to cook, whizz the hoover round, watch the kids for me, wash up... it's like having a third child teenager living with us. So as not to drop feed it's made worse by the fact she's a vegan and is expecting me to either make a separate dinner or we all eat vegan.

Anyway, my AIBU- WIBU to tell her she needs to be up, dressed and breakfasted by 10? Xmas is our family time and she's ruining it for me by giving me more to do than I need; even DD1 (11) is getting irritated by it!?

I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar if her mother is the puppet master type and has contrived this situation then your plan is perfect in its poetic justice:

Send her to your mother, but insist that you are doing them both a favour so that you can over-rule them should either of them object. So you can insist to your mother that she will enjoy the company, and insist to your niece that she will enjoy the peace and quiet away from children. It'll be the best thing for both of them

Evelyn and Blue are you my secret sisters?!

My mum isn't quite as bad as that, she doesn't go so far as to actually arrange events, but she is always trying to insist that my cousins care desperately about me and my life, when they just don't. They're adults with their own lives and children and friends, and they really and truly do not care much about someone they see maybe once a year. Sure, it's nice to clap eyes on them and have a quick chat at a family gathering but it always just underscores that most of us have absolutely nothing in common.

I decided I couldn't have them all at my wedding because it would've taken up a quarter of my guest allowance and so my mum tried to make me have a party after the wedding especially for them when I'd go to Pidley Golf Club and wear my wedding dress again for an afternoon I let her think we'd do that, knowing the enthusiasm would die down once the wedding was a thing of the past, but she started saying things like "oh yes, the whole party thing was Charlotte's idea" (I WAS THERE WHEN YOU HAD THE IDEA) and "Andrew is desperate to see the wedding pictures, they were all asking about it the other day" (Andrew has never shown any interest in any subject of conversation and speaks in monosyllabic grunts, but sure, he was tugging at your sleeve begging for pictures of my wedding). It's so freaking weird. It's like she's genuinely trying to convince me that to my face they make awkward small talk and try to drum up polite interest in my life, but behind my back they're exploding with enthusiasm for every tiny detail and constantly hound her for tidbits of gossip.

Tell her.
X can i have a word.
This is not a hotel either you pitch in or you can go to mum's.
Food, is she paying towards the food and household stuff , if not again, I am sorry but you need to pay towards food, as you don't eat the same as us.
Next time you have washing up call her in and chuck her the gloves to wash up, if she complains, tell her if she wants room service she can book a hotel.
Get her to Baby sit the kids so you can go do the shopping.

Evelyn if it were not for the fact that my mother doesn't have a granny flat, I'd think we were sisters.

My mother means well, sort of. But she had a truly ghastly toxic and abusive childhood and despite now being over 70 tries to manipulate things into being how she wishes they were rather than how they are.

One aunt was very seriously ill and in hospitalrecently, and mymother dropped everything to drive 100sof miles to get to her 'for support'. When she walked into the hospital room my aunt apparently halflifted herself from the bed and screeched; 'Well, I don't know why YOU'RE here. I fucking hate you'.

She still stayed up there though in a b&B for days.

Hah! X-post Quim!!!!

I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's.

Yes, do that.

Fuck that, your mother invited her, your mother can put up with her lazy arse.

Fuck that!
After 3 days, I'd expect her to chip in and clean up after herself.
Wake her up in the morning, send the kids in to jump on her bed!
Just keep giving her stuff to do, since she is doing nothing. Get her to cook a meal/wash up after dinner (I'd offer if I was staying at a friend's even for a couple of days). Get her to watch the kids while you nip out, and baby sit a couple of evenings.

Yes, I would send her over to your Mum's so she can enjoy her.
And definitely don't cook any special food. She wants vegan, she has to cook it for herself. I wouldn't impose vegan diet on my family, especially during winter when we are trying to get as much nutrition as possible including Vitamin D and iron into our diet without having to take supplements.

"I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's."

Seems like a plan!

Why have you not already sent her to your mothers?

she's a vegan and is expecting me to either make a separate dinner or we all eat vegan.

I'm a vegan and I suggest you give this self-centred person her whatever you are having minus the meat, eg a plateful of cabbage and potatoes. Or make a special meal for her of plain pasta with some ketchup.
You can't be endlessly thinking up vegan things to make when you're not used to it.

Morning hoovering and radio plus loud singing seems a good idea. You've got to keep the house nice, right?

DM invited her to stay then 'remembered' my DB's girlfriend is down for Xmas (she won't allow them to share a room- DB is 22 🙄) so she hasn't got a spare room but I do so "she can just stay with you". Since she's arrived DM has said several things that make me think she never intended to host her.

The getting up at 11 is a pain as she's then trying to use the bathroom for 45 minutes, the kitchen and dining table- I do all my house jobs in the morning and it's incredibly frustrating as she leaves a trail of destruction behind her. I didn't even know I was house proud until now!

The expecting to cook dinner is that she hasn't once offered to get her own food in or make dinner. I suspect she's being deliberately obtuse about it as she's made several comments about Veganism and I think she's trying to make it hard for us to eat meat.

You need some house rules e.g.

• you clear up after using kitchen etc.
• you keep your room clean and tidy
• you buy and prepare your own non-standard meals
• you do a share of chores
• you are up and dressed by 11am (in case of guests/visitors), or you stay in your room

at least. It's a shame this is necessary, but if people behave like teenagers they should expect to be treated like one.

Good Luck!

OP I think you need to zone in on what's really irritating you here and tackle that, because I wonder if you're doing what I often do, which is getting irritated at someone for something and then snowballing into every single thing they do being annoying! I suspect it's one or all of

• The mess
• Her hogging the living room
• Her constant presence in the house, not giving you time to yourself

Her getting up at 11 isn't really a problem is it? As a PP said she'd just be under your feet for longer. Her making herself breakfast at lunchtime wouldn't be a problem either if she left the kitchen as she found it.

You have my serious sympathies - I hate having house guests at all, and I never have and never will have one for as long as you have this one!

Is sending her to your mum's a serious option?

Since she's going to be with you for another 2.5 weeks you're going to have to grab the bull by the horns and be blunt. I don't think I'd tell her to get up by a certain time, because if she isn't what are you going to do - bang on the door and scream at her to get up now? No, I think I'd say 'Okay lady, you've been here a week and while it's lovely having you, I just need to go through a few house rules, because the current set up isn't really working for me'. Then tell her she has to leave the kitchen in the state she found it, that you require her to help out sometimes, and that comments about what you eat are not welcome. She also needs to pitch in and help prepare her special food - it's not fair to pitch up at someone else's house with a special diet and not mitigate by being helpful.

And, just in case this needs to be said, FGS tell your DM you're not up for ad hoc house-guests in future, regardless of who they are and whether or not you have tenuous blood links to them. This woman sounds like a stranger, and one who is not house-trained.

crisscross

What are your DB and his GF like? If they are decent house guests then swap - DB and his girlfriend in your spare room and niece to your mother. Everyone's a winner except maybe niece and mother but it sounds as though they may deserve one another- .

When she’s your guest you need to cater for her. That means making her dinners. How bad of a cook are you that you can’t manage a vegan meal for the family every now and again? And once again she’s your guest - you do need to clean up after her. I can’t believe some of the comments here - people don’t seem to know the first thing about hospitality.

Or make a special meal for her of plain pasta with some ketchup.

Do this, then she won't even need to be asked to make her own meals in future.
Sorted!

Hoover on upstairs at nine (just get one of the kids to push it up and down), lots of loud conversations whilst it is on across the noise, "don't forget the corners!" Type of thing. Nine thirty, into her room and bustle about, open curtains "lots to do today so need you to pitch in", tell her breakfast is no later than x time in your house and everyone is expected to clear up after themselves. "Need shopping today so you have the choice of picking up what is on the list or emptying bins and hoovering downstairs" ..at meal prep time, "can you start prepping your meal as I do not have time". Xmas day, send the kids in to bounce about, follow them in and ask her to ensure she has her meal ready for x time as that is when you will be eating...the busier you make her, the more she will want to go to your mums. If you hit any objections, rolled eyes etc, call her out. Did you just roll your eyes at me? Crikey, for a moment there you must have thought I was running a hotel, no time for being waited on, everyone mucks in. Etc.

As she's staying so long and essentially getting a free hotel, you're absolutely justified in laying down house rules. And if she won't keep to them, you would be equally justified in sending her round to your mother's or giving her the address of the nearest cheap hotel.

Thirty fucking One! She sounds obnoxious as anything! With the length of stay, she is a household member, not a house guest so get her onto the housework cooking etc.

You need to get tough with her. Tell her to clean up after herself - bathroom, kitchen, everything.

Stop the vegan cooking unless you want to cook vegan. She needs to shop and cook for herself. If you and family eat meat then cook it as usual. I'm a veggie and if I were a house guest (which I wouldn't be because the thought is horrific) I'd be doing my own food, not putting in orders to the kitchen.

Alternatively, as it seems your mum DOES have the room to host her (she and DB's girlfriend could share )just send her off to mum's.

Meant to say, I wouldn't expect a guest to put the hoover around unless they were making some exceptional mess which warranted it; but I'd certainly expect her to make her own dinner! I'd make a couple of token vegan family meals at some point during her stay, but generally I'd expect her to take care of herself on that front. I'm really surprised she isn't.

*She's vegan. Surely she can graze from a hedge or something?

Incidentally Schadenfreude my vegan friend eats porridge and beans mixed together

Yabu. Guests can get up/retire whenever they like. Unless we have something planned with them, an outing or meal or such, then I'd give them a nudge if I thought they'd overslept.

She sounds annoying but you are really making things much worse by not simply asking her to help out and clean up for herself. I also don't understand why you feel that you have to entertain her and take her out when you don't have to. The same goes for providing vegan food.

'sorry, but can you clean up after breakfast, thanks'
'Could you please wash up for me'
'I'm making xxx for supper today, can you sort out some vegan for yourself. I'm a bit busy'
'Just to let you know the kids and I are off out tomorrow morning at 9:30, you can join us if you wish but we are leaving on the dot'

None if these things are rude and none of them are things I haven't asked guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The sleeping in wouldn't bother me.