WIBU to make a house guest get up!?

[crisscrosscranky]

I have my niece staying with me over Xmas; she's Canadian but currently working in Barcelona my mother invited her to stay at my house. Due to weird family dynamics she's actually a few years older than me; she's just turned 31 (relevant I think). She's been here for a week now and is staying until 8th January. She's driving me mad.

I'm trying to get house, 2 kids, fridge and myself ready for Xmas and DH will be working until Xmas eve.

She gets up around 11am every morning, makes herself breakfast just before I am making lunch and leaves the kitchen in a state, gets dressed around 1pm and then just sits and watches telly unless I suggest we go out (together- she doesn't go alone!). She doesn't offer to cook, whizz the hoover round, watch the kids for me, wash up... it's like having a third child teenager living with us. So as not to drop feed it's made worse by the fact she's a vegan and is expecting me to either make a separate dinner or we all eat vegan.

Anyway, my AIBU- WIBU to tell her she needs to be up, dressed and breakfasted by 10? Xmas is our family time and she's ruining it for me by giving me more to do than I need; even DD1 (11) is getting irritated by it!?

I'm seriously considering sending her to my mother's.

Who knows how your mother sold this to her though - it could well be that she didn't want to stay with you, and your mother told her it was what you wanted - and she's acting like a stroppy teen because she thinks you were desperate to bond with her and really get to know her and be her new bff or something and she would have rathered stay in Barcelona and party over the holidays but allowed herself to be emotionally blackmailed by your mum and doesn't understand why you are not fawning over her and spending all your time hosting, because that is what your mother said you wanted to do.

Although that may be me projecting :o My mother has form for manipulating family exactly like that though - she thinks family should be close but she tries to play puppet master, telling individuals who don't have much interaction normally how much the other wants to spend time with them/ go to their wedding7 do this or that, and in 101 ways manipulating people into positions where multiple people think they are doing something everyone else wants, when in fact the only one who wants it is my mother... Often the parties involved only find out years later that none of them were bothered, it was all coming from my mother...

It doesn't bring people closer, as she thinks it will, it causes misunderstanding and resentment because people don't behave as expected.

Seriously, if your DM doesn't mind, I'd ship her out, she isn't going to shape up. Freeloader, entitled, springs to mind.
Get her out !

I would never have said yes in the first place, there's no way I'd have guests that long, especially if they were invited by someone else! Switch the tv off or tell her the kids want to watch it, make her tidy up after herself, and she can cook her own dinner if she doesn't want to eat yours. She's an adult and she'll continue to take the piss if you let her. Alternatively inform your mum she's spending the rest of Xmas at hers.

It's been a week...so enough time for her to have adjusted...

I'd put the radio on right outside her door at 9am and tap cheerily on her door with a cup of tea.

And be firm about house rules and what she needs to do.

But what will she do if there’s no Waitrose?

Shit - I hadn't even considered that. Fortnum's then. I hear they do great vegan ready meals.

I think the cooking breakfast for herself just before lunch is a good thing - means you don't have to do lunch for her. But she needs to be tidying up after herself.

And I think she should be cooking a meal for your family too.

Be polite but firm, OP. If you just bite your tongue, you can't expect her to know what you want her to do.

She's vegan. Surely she can graze from a hedge or something? Is there a park near you OP?

Schadenfreude

I wouldn't be bothered about her getting up late but I would start giving her jobs to do.

Institute a rule - no cooked breakfasts after 9 am. Cornflakes only. Dry cornflakes, unless she buys her own soya milk.

(Just as a matter of interest - what does a vegan cooked breakfast consist of, I can only think of porridge, or beans

Evelyn my mother pulls shit exactly like that too.

Puppet master is the perfect description.

Send her to your mothers. This is not your problem to deal with.

Schaden toast, beans,mushrooms, tomatoes for starters. That's even before you get to things like tofu scramble (which I detest despite years of trying).

I think that it's unreasonable to tell her when to get up but it is not unreasonable to tell her to clean up after herself. Given how long she is staying and the fact that she has be dumped on you it's also not unreasonable to stop making an effort with her dietary requirements. Just make your normal dinner and let her pick out tge vegan sides or give her only thrvefan elements of the dish (e.g. If you are making pasta just give her the plain pasta and ajar of vegan pesto or something while you enjoy your proper, yummy meaty, cheesy, creamy food.

Suggest she cooks dinner one night? (at least)

Evelyn I live in a different country now and last time I went home I told my mother specifically that I was not going to spend my precious 5 days catching up with her fucking awful extended family. She sulked for the entire time because 'your aunts and cousins so badly want to catch up with you'. No they bloody didn't. It's all in her head.

My aunts called me 'the little bitch' when I was growing up (from the age of toddler-hood - they hate my father and they hate me by extension). In previous visits I have been manipulated into seeing them, and I put my foot down hard last time.

What do you know..... when I was at the airport saying goodbye to my parents..... her family turned up.My mother said in all innocence;'Oh, they must have just guessed when you were leaving and they so badly wanted to see you before you go!!'(Yep- guessed the time, the city and which airport I was leaving from).My aunts grumped and grizzled when I said it was time I went thru customs and one commented to my mother; 'I thought you said we were having a proper farewell party here. Why did I come then? '

My blood pressure rises significantly just thinking about it.

People astound me sometimes. I feel for you OP.
You need to tell her straight, she needs to pitch in. It's going to be an awkward conversation but it needs to happen. How can you get to adult age and not know the unspoken social rules of staying at someone's house?! You need to do her a solid and teach her.

I wouldn't have a problem with her getting up at 11 but I would definitely expect her to pitch in. She's had a nice period of time to settle in, it's now time for you to get her involved in the Christmas prep. I like astoundedgoat's approach. No need to be off with her, just be straight and nice about it.

I wouldn’t make her get up. I’d be happy she’s out my way till 11.
And tbh if I could lie in till 11 I would.

But I would not make her vegan meals or tolerate mess left in the kitchen.

Thank you Buddha

Most of my breakfasts are biscuit-based and I couldn't think any further.

Do you mean like Belvita biscuits? I've never tried them because I always seem to eat dinner leftovers.[greedy fucker alert].

Actually, I shuddered just thinking about tofu scramble. DH loves it more than anything.[vom]

Send her to your mother, but insist that you are doing them both a favour so that you can over-rule them should either of them object. So you can insist to your mother that she will enjoy the company, and insist to your niece that she will enjoy the peace and quiet away from children. It'll be the best thing for both of them.

Send her to your DM, tell her that you have too much going on to have another kid in the house to clear up after.

do not take this shit

Suggest that she cooks her own meals? she sounds very selfish and entitled and by the end of it all you will be so resentful i am sure. I dont have any good advice as you probably dont want confrontation - maybe write her a note asking if she would be a bit more thoughtful, ask her for a bit of help around the home? you never know, she might get upset and decide to move on!! difficult situation for you all.

BluePlastic :o

My mother tends to invite everyone to stay at her house after she's invited us and we've accepted and booked flights and hire car and holiday from work.

Everyone invited is under the impression they were the first ones invited but are having to squash up and sleep on sofas or 5 to a bedroom because the other million guests all insisted on coming at the same time, right at the last moment, specifically to catch up with them...

Last time it came unravelled - she also makes lots of conflicting promises to her guest (guest scared of relative's dog because it actually bit them last visit and is totally untrained and never on a lead is told the dog won't be there, dog owner, who believes the dog has to go everywhere they go and that it is unfair to ask her to leave the dog at home is told everyone loves the dog and is longing to see the dog and of course she must bring it along... for example. Everyone is promised the separate granny flat, because everyone was the first to be invited, apparently... No ability to pick one answer and tell unwelcome news to one party or the other in advance).

She means well in a way, and certainly puts a lot of time, effort and even money into her puppet mastery, but seems unable to see that wanting people to want what you want them to want, and manipulating them into doing them what you want them to want to do, is not the same as empathy...