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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

236 replies

PeanutButterIsEverything · 21/12/2017 06:43

Trying not to make this a sexist all men are lazy bastards type thread but I have seen so many threads about women getting really stressed about all the stuff there is to do with Christmas and I feel the same pressure to do it all. But my husband doesn't get stressed this time of year. He buys presents for his family and that's about it. He doesn't see the need for much of the other stuff.

I know there's a lot of talk about much of Christmas being 'wifework' and I do think that's true, we do take on a lot more of the mental load, the endless lists, recipe planning (and making freezer space, planning what to feed the relatives all the other days not just Christmas day), school plays, Christmas jumper days etc etc etc. And how much of this is necessary? Very little. We do it to make Christmas special but it's not needed, we've just got ourselves as women and society to a place where we feel that somehow we are failing if we don't send all the neighbours a card when we've not spoken to them all year, or we don't find the perfect gift for the teacher. I know lots of it is marketing driven but I think the marketing must be directed at women as they know we are the ones that buy all the food, many of the presents,, decorations and all the extra gubbins.

But don't leave it to the men or it won't get done, I hear you cry! But would that really be so bad? Maybe they wouldn't see the point. Christmas would be a lot more streamlined and less stressful I reckon. Not sure it's possible now though, we have built the Christmas juggernaut and now we have to keep driving it! So it's not men bashing, almost the opposite, maybe they have the right idea.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Tw1nsetAndPearls · 21/12/2017 11:51

It doesn’t. Not in my house anyway. Wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t tolerate it.*

The same in my house but women martyring themselves and men doing fuck all because apparently they are not capable does seem to ve a thing.

ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 11:53

And I genuinely don't get why people have to use the words having a penis to describe a man, or male. And having a vagina to describe women or female.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 21/12/2017 11:57

And I genuinely don't get why people have to use the words having a penis to describe a man, or male. And having a vagina to describe women or female.

Because that is what makes me different from my husband There seems to be an assumption by some women that men can't buy gifts or plan a roast dinner because they are male. Its either the penis or that pesky Y chromosome

TDHManchester · 21/12/2017 11:58

But its womens' faults ! They allow their men to sit on their backsides whilst they flurry around nurturing and worrying..

zzzzz · 21/12/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 21/12/2017 12:12

I'd say most women don't care about the bonkers stuff tbh, and most men will always want the Christmas tree, proper roast dinner, seeing family and friends etc whether or not they actually contribute.

I was really ill earlier this month and we hadn't got round to decorating the house. I went to visit my Mum last weekend and got back to a full Christmas house because DH thought it was important. Similarly when we hosted last year I planned the dinner, got it all prepped and then got kicked out the kitchen by DH because he knows I hate cooking for crowds.

Most couples I know work this way with playing to their strengths, if you feel you're entirely responsible for the full Christmas load then chances are you've either a) gone a bit overboard so your partner just steps back to let you do it your perfect way or b) have a shit partner who is crap throughout the year rather than just at Christmas.

Taffeta · 21/12/2017 12:19

But its womens' faults ! They allow their men to sit on their backsides whilst they flurry around nurturing and worrying.

Allow their men ROFL

I don’t flurry around worrying
I do the stuff I like to give us all a special time of year
DH isn’t bothered the DC and I are
Just because he’s not bothered won’t stop the rest of us enjoying it
Left to him it’d be average at best, and he’d be happy with that. I wouldn’t

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 21/12/2017 12:28

Taffeta do you think that you want to make a fuss because you are a woman or is that irrelevant. In a similar fashion is your DH not that interested because he is a man or is that not relevant?

Taffeta · 21/12/2017 12:34

I don’t ‘make a fuss’

I buy thoughtful gifts. I consider what food we like to eat at Christmas and I buy it and cook it. That’s not ‘making a fuss’ I don’t think.

DH is shit at presents - he gets really really stressed and has absolutely no idea what to get people. I watched him struggle for three months deciding what to get his best mate for his 50th. Maybe it’s because he’s a bloke maybe it’s because he’s DH?! No idea.

I like choosing thoughtful gifts, especially seeing people’s faces when they open them. I love cooking and trying out new recipes. Maybe it’s because I’m a wumman or because I’m me. No idea.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/12/2017 12:37

I'm reluctant to call it a man thing, as men tend to enjoy the Christmases their womenfolk provide for them (just as they enjoy the offspring they don't have to look after)

Exactly. Men benefit from the so-called pointless work that women do. They eat the food that women don’t necessarily have to cook. They enjoy the presents that we berate women for worrying over. They enjoy the atmosphere that women are derided for putting effort into creating.

Eolian · 21/12/2017 12:38

But its womens' faults ! They allow their men to sit on their backsides

Seriously? If a woman sat on her arse and did nothing, would that be the husband's fault? If someone is lazy, that is their fault. They should contribute because it's their responsibility, not because their partner 'doesn't allow' them to sit on their arse.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 21/12/2017 12:40

Maybe it’s because I’m a wumman or because I’m me.

Maybe it’s both. But if you enjoy doing it and if your husband appreciates the extra effort you put in to making it special then there is no problem.

If you didn’t want to do it but felt social pressure to, if your husband told you to stop being a martyr whilst enjoying the fruits of your martyrdom then you’d have a problem.

Checklist · 21/12/2017 12:49

stickytoffee - DDs care about the bread sauce and cranberry sauce! DD1 gave him "F for fail, while Mum gets A* for cooking!"

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 21/12/2017 12:49

I do wonder if some people actually like getting stressed about Christmas.

It really doesn't need to be stressy (unless there are financial problems, I'm sure that would be a major stress factor).

I bought the presents, all online, over the last couple of weeks. DH will wrap them. A frozen, but really nice Christmas lunch is arriving tomorrow (we are at church for a lot of Christmas Eve/ day and a prep'd lunch makes sense for us). Did it do cards (did give to a charity).

We'll need to do a shop for some other food, but that's just a boring half hour in a supermarket.

For us, Christmas is about a bit of the religious side and lots of the enjoying time with family. No room for stress!

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/12/2017 12:51

Just because he’s not bothered won’t stop the rest of us enjoying it

This implies that your dh sits around with a face like a bag of spanners while your enjoyment passes him by. Is that really the case?

My dh isn't that bothered and I joke about him being like the Grinch, but ultimately he does get enjoyment from seeing our excitement and therefore involves himself fully in it - including doing what needs to be done, whatever that might be.

I couldn't be with a fun sponge who wallows in apathy while the rest of his family gets busy in excitement around him.

uptheduffy · 21/12/2017 12:51

Being appreciated for what you do would certainly help. A, "wow you've done really well getting so many of the toys the dc wanted" or "that was a great meal - best one in ages" or some such praise. The problem with completely handing over responsibility to someone who doesn't want to take it is that it won't just be me who suffers if it goes wrong. In order for my own dh to care I'd have to let Christmas fail completely and I'm not prepared to do that. So yes self-imposed martyrdom to an extent but what can I do?

I might write a list while it's fresh in my head of everything I've done for it this year and then divide them up in October next year. Might work, would be cheaper than divorce.

fussygalore118 · 21/12/2017 12:53

I don't find Christmas stressful at all.... we sometimes host or are sometimes hosted.. don't send loads of cards, use online shopping to get the majority of bits. My husband and i tend to share the load doing different bits. Christmas eve is spent once the kids are in bed is spent with a bottle of champagne wrapping the kids pressies.

While i love baking i dont spend hours making mince pies/biscuits etc id much rather buy and spend the time watvhing xmas films/ games etc i do think some people really make a fuss and become martyrs at this time of year

Chocfingers · 21/12/2017 12:54

anything that kids will feel very left out if you don't do such as xmas jumpers at school

Oh God? What fresh hell is that?

IrkThePurist · 21/12/2017 12:56

To think that if men were 'in charge' of Christmas it would be a lot less stressful all round?

''AIBU to think we could rethink how much we take on, to reduce our stress and workload?''
FTFY.

uptheduffy · 21/12/2017 12:59

Have just noticed that my proposed "solution" still involves me taking on the full emotional load of working out what needs to be done and dividing it between us (and probably, checking it is done..)

Cherrycokewinning · 21/12/2017 13:09

Straw you’re so funny Grin don’t you want to spend time with your children LOL

zzzzz · 21/12/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uptheduffy · 21/12/2017 13:38

Well "failing" would mean the dc (who are young still) not getting the presents they want, not getting to believe in Santa for a few years, and people like childminders and teachers (and mils) getting nothing or a crap thoughtless present. It would mean nothing special being planned in the run up to the day itself - no Christmas movies, no carol service, not seeing a tree being turned on somewhere, house not decorated.
You don't have to be going crazy with competitive Christmassing in order for it to involve a shed load of work.

crunchymint · 21/12/2017 13:52

I believed in santa because I got presents as a kid. My parents did nothing else.

zzzzz · 21/12/2017 14:00

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