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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

227 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:47

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

OP posts:
CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 15:48

Why are you with this abusive bully?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/12/2017 15:49

No. It's perfectly possible as long as you're not with a nob. Which you are.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:50

CaptainKirkssparetupee society has created an unequal footing between men and women, so every man I date will be aware that he holds the power and can exploit it if he wishes.

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 20/12/2017 15:50

Why not be single and lonely? He sounds awful.
Maybe you'll be single and much happier.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:51

No. Your DP is just a mega cunt.

I found no problems dating after I left my children's father.

With much nicer men.
Who said nice things about my body and listened to my opinions and made me feel like a valid human.

Babe, fucking run.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:51

Eltonjohnssyrup how is it possible when men literally hold all the power. Sure, women can take children away, and that's about it.

OP posts:
CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 15:51

every man I date will be aware that he holds the power and can exploit it if he wishes
But this is not a normal healthy relationship.

Nuffaluff · 20/12/2017 15:52

My husband has no power over me. Good relationships don't work like that.
You are extremely pessimistic about men it seems. There are lots of great ones out there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2017 15:53

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

Or, be perfectly happy on your own. Or meet a bloke who isn't an utter arsehole.

This isn't solely about the patriarchy. It is the combination of the patriarchy and your choices. You don't have most of the power, but you have some.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:53

CaptainKirkssparetupee Men DO have power over women in the ways I described, yes? In every heterosexual relationship, this is the elephant in the room.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 20/12/2017 15:54

No, your dp is just a wanker! my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him I’d rather be single until the day I die than stay with someone like your dp.

Many women are single mothers and go on to find love again, many men have dc themselves so why would it bother them you also had children?

Is perfectly possible to have an equal, loving realtionship many people including myself have that

TheMathsTrainee · 20/12/2017 15:55

No they don’t. Not if they love you. Not if you are married. Not if you are financially independent.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 15:55

Men DO have power over women in the ways I described, yes? In every heterosexual relationship, this is the elephant in the room.
Not in healthy relationships.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:55

OP, you're institutionalised and very, VERY wrong.

It's like elephants and sticks. Baby elephants are tied to sticks in India and they aren't very strong yet so they can't pull out the stick. So they just learn to accept the stick is impossible to move and give up.
The elephant keepers don't change the size of the stick. When the elephant is an adult weight 5 tonnes it could sneeze at that stick and turn it to splinters but it doesn't, because it has grown to believe the stick is stronger.

Your stick is a grown man who deserves a kick in the balls.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:55

You don't have most of the power, but you have some.

What power do I have? The ability to claim the baby. I can't see much else.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2017 15:55

You're right about the power structure. What you need is a man who doesn't want to exploit that. You have one that does.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:56

Are you living in the UK OP?

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 15:57

You have the power to leave and find someone else

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2017 15:58

You have the power to leave and find someone else

Or just leave.

NotMyMonkees · 20/12/2017 15:59

Sorry your partner has proved to be so horrible, and you're having such a tough time Sad
Although I agree that much is set in men's favour, in my relationship I feel like I hold the power. I owned the house prior to my relationship so it's still in my name, and if we split the children would stay with me. Therefore I hold more of the cards that dp does. So it's not inevitable. Sorry about your PhD, is there no way to complete it? If you're regretting what might the been already, that's not likely to improve over time.

speakout · 20/12/2017 15:59

Yes it is an unfair society, but you can have fair relationships within a fucked up structure.

OH and I have no control over each other.

Not all men take advantage of their priviledge.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 15:59

Yes, or just leave

JamPasty · 20/12/2017 15:59

Even if they do, nice men, of whom there are plenty out there, don't exploit the power imbalance.

TammySwansonTwo · 20/12/2017 16:00

No, I don't think it's possible to have a fully equal relationship unless circumstances are very exceptional. My DH is great and does a huge amount for me and our children but there are still massive discrepancies in the responsibility taken for parenting and managing our lives. I'm working on it.

Sadly you're with someone who's happy to exploit his power over you and there are many men who wouldn't.

humblesims · 20/12/2017 16:01

What power do I have?
The power to live life on your terms and in control of it. There is no reason for you to stay with an abusive partner.