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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

227 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:47

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:01

many men have dc themselves so why would it bother them you also had children?

The vast majority of men don't have custody. women do. A man pretty much has to take on another man's kids full time. This is not an attractive proposition. It's a hard sell.

OP posts:
GemmaB78 · 20/12/2017 16:01

Sorry. I don't agree with a single word which is really sad for you. I am in an equal relationship. My career has not suffered in the slightest following the birth of my child. I'm at the same grade as my husband with similar prospects, albeit in different functions within HE. I like to think if we split now, I would still be an attractive proposition, child or no child.

Your DP is a twat, and if you could just see it, there is no reason why you couldn't be in an equitable relationship full of love, respect and equal power.

RaspberryBeret34 · 20/12/2017 16:01

You need to leave him. Being blackmailed, insulted and bullied is absolutely not part of a heterosexual relationship and, if it is, then you're better off alone. I do agree it can be hard to have total equality in a patriarchal society but accepting blackmail, bullying and name calling is not OK on any level.

I left a cheating ex with my 10 month old baby. I was fully happy to be alone but dated a bit after a year or so and, after 4 years of intermittent dating, I met the man I've been with 2 years. He is 3 years older than me who is amazing, not overweight, amazing with DS, fully supportive of me and feels lucky to have me and tells me so. In my experience, men (of the type you want to be with) are fine with dating women with children, they expect women in their 30s may have children. In many ways, in choosing who to be with (if anyone), I've found DS a good barometer and helps me stay strong as I may accept less (accidentally) for myself but I will NOT accept less than 100% for my DS.

IfNot · 20/12/2017 16:03

Yes, to some extent men do hold more cards. They can procreate years longer than women, they are "allowed" to age.
Due to the unfair structure of society having children negatively impacts women FAR more than men.
BUT.
That doesn't mean you have to settle for an utter cunt.
There ARE better men out there. Christ, I've divorced better men than the one you're with.

You CAN find a way to make lone parenting work (and actually doing a PhD is quite compatible with having a baby/young child, if you have funding).
Decant men are NOT repelled by women who have children ( one just brought me a cup of tea and a mince pie) and without a tosser dragging you down, you CAN arrange your life ( over time) to have a network of excellent support and friendship.
You just feel shit because of a shit relationship. Toss the tosser out and move on.

DotForShort · 20/12/2017 16:03

Why would you put up with someone who treats you so badly? Stand up for yourself. Return to your Ph.D and/or find gainful employment. Your child will be fine in "institutional childcare." Hmm

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:03

Are you living in the UK OP?

Yes. Born and bred.

you can have fair relationships within a fucked up structure.

How? Genuine question. I need some hope.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 20/12/2017 16:04

Sorry love. You've got a wrong 'un.

My career has absolutely suffered since having a child- to the extent that DP agreed it was ridiculous and supported me in quitting entirely and going back to study. (Which has been far more flexible re: children to be honest)

He does all the school drop offs, makes the packed lunches and whatnot on top of his own job so that I can get to Uni in time.

This 'gender roles' nonsense only applies if people buy into it- and we don't. So our house is a lovely balanced place. The world isn't- but one thing at a time!

Please consider what it would take to make you happy and fulfilled and seek it out.

speakout · 20/12/2017 16:04

There is equality and there is fairness.

I gave up my career when we had kids, OH carried on work as normal. I have done the lion's share of the child rearing, but OH has paid all his salary into our joint account- never once questioning my spending.

We work as a team although our roles are not the same we both feel it is fair.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 16:05

How? Genuine question. I need some hope.
Donyou think posters here are lying about their relationships?

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:06

doing a PhD is quite compatible with having a baby/young child, if you have funding

I do have funding, but I couldn't bear to shove my baby into a nursery at such a young age. I don't judge those that do, I just couldn't myself. He's just a small baby.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 20/12/2017 16:07

The vast majority of men don't have custody. women do. A man pretty much has to take on another man's kids full time. This is not an attractive proposition. It's a hard sell

No it’s a hard sell forsome men, the type you wouldn’t want in your child’s life anyway. I’ve a few friends that were single mothers after they left bad or unhappy relationships, and they now have a new life with a new man & their dc.

My dad ( is actually my stepdad) he married my Mum and she had 3 dc from her marriage to my biological father. It was not a “hard sell” for the wonderful man I call dad.

What do you want to do? Do you want stay with your dp and bring your child up with someone like him? Do you want to leave with your child and at the very least be free of the wanker you call dp?

Please don’t excuse the wanker your with by saying it’s all society’s fault, it is not. He makes a choice to treat you the way he does and you and your baby deserve better

LagunaBubbles · 20/12/2017 16:08

Men DO have power over women in the ways I described, yes? In every heterosexual relationship, this is the elephant in the room

Not in healthy relationships there isnt. You arent in a healthy relationship. Which you could leave.

speakout · 20/12/2017 16:08

a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me.

You are over thinking this OP.

Your OH sounds like a knobhead.

Far more to do with him than society.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:09

Far more to do with him than society

It is society which makes him feel entitled to behave this way.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/12/2017 16:10

How? Genuine question. I need some hope

By leaving an abusive relationship would do for a start.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:10

He has a daughter from a previous relationship and I wonder how life will be for her.

OP posts:
speakout · 20/12/2017 16:11

No, he is making that decision himself.

An excuse to behave like a swine.

RavingRoo · 20/12/2017 16:11

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to avoid leaving an abusive relationship.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 16:11

It is society which makes him feel entitled to behave this way.
No it's not, none of the things you describe are socially acceptable

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 16:11

Well then,

You can rent a house.
You can work (obvs not yet)
You can buy antifreeze...

Also, lots of men take on other mens children, your current twatty partner has just made you believe they don't

LaCerbiatta · 20/12/2017 16:12

Also disagree with you. Why did you chose to have a baby halfway through your PhD? Or why have you already given up oj finishing it or on your career? If you don't act as equal how can you expect equality?

I know I could only have an equal relationship if I kept my career and put my children im childcare. It's the only way of being solely dependent on you and not on having a nice partner or successful marriage. I know most women here will disagree with me but it baffles me that so many give up their professional lives and put themselves in such vulnerable positions.

You sound really defeatist. You can take control of your life. Institutionalised care as you call it wont do your child any harm. In mu circle of friends and acquaintances all women work and the children are happy and balanced, do really well at school and in my opinion only benefit from the example of working mothers.

LagunaBubbles · 20/12/2017 16:12

It is society which makes him feel entitled to behave this way

Crap. Hes abusive bully and you are using all this society stuff to justify staying with him.

PinkHeart5914 · 20/12/2017 16:13

it is society which makes him feel entitled to behave this way NO he still has a choice and control over how he treats the mother of his child and his choice is to treat you badly.

You can stay and put up with that and bring your child up seeing the way daddy treats mummy OR you can start planning and get away from him the first chance you get

motherinferior · 20/12/2017 16:14

Well, for one thing I doubt very much he'd find another woman tomorrow. However, I would arrange some childcare for some hours a week and get on with your PhD (and yes, I went back to work when my daughter was four months old and frankly it saved my sanity).

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:16

What's to say the next man won't do this? My ex did (the one before the current).

The next man will have even less incentive to be nice as he'll be "lumbered" with my son.

OP posts: