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Original poster

to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

227 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:47

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

OP posts:
Neverender · 20/12/2017 16:39

And FWIW, my DD went into a small privately run nursery at 12 months and I've landed a much better job. It is possible.

JenniferL90 · 20/12/2017 16:39

It's perfectly possible. You are in an awful abusive relationship with an arsehole and need to get out.

My husband adores me (and me him) we do equal housework even though he works more hours, equal childcare, well me more while I was breastfeeding and at the moment as DD is a bit clingy right now but we give her the choice of who does bath/bed etc etc.

IrkThePurist · 20/12/2017 16:40

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

Sure. Theres only ever 2 choices in any situation. And thats the fault of feminism, isnt it.

cathyclown · 20/12/2017 16:41

JamPasty,

I am no troll. But you can decide.

My point was that feminism has failed because women still take on all the jobs that should possibly be shared. That could be a control thing too, you know, ah he will never be able to do it right etc. I am just saying.

Look at some of the Christmas threads. Jesus the women are frantic with this and that. Why is that? Do men not help out much anymore, or are they happy to leave it to wifey, or does wifey enjoy being in control of it all and will not allow husband/partner to help out.

Women can be their own worst enemies too.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 16:42

Isn't feminism an on going thing?

Neapolitanpink · 20/12/2017 16:43

There is a very insperation woman in my life who was in a worse situation that you're in now. If you could have seen her then, and see her now you'd know that fortunately what you have said in your op isn't true.

She is one strong woman, she has a DH who took her two kids on as his own and she has an equal relationship with him.

Get out, get help, get healed and get strong.

Also...how old is your baby? You sound as angry as I did when I had PND....that can make a bad situation worse too.

IrkThePurist · 20/12/2017 16:44

Feminism is a philosophy. Like any other belief system, its not going to knock on your door and fix your life for you. All it can do is open your eyes or motivate you.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 16:45

Can I just point out though, Feminism isn't over. It hasn't failed.

We are working toward something.

Once that generation of "woman's place is in the kitchen" men die out (probably of heart disease from all the food they've been served) then we can move forth in our efforts.

There are plenty of independent women who demand respect and equality within their relationships, it certainly hasn't failed.

AngelsSins · 20/12/2017 16:45

I think in society, you're right, men do hold power over women for sure. However, in individual relationships that's not the case unless you allow it. I've been the one to finish every relationship I've had, because I don't settle for crap, entitled men. My partner now, who I've been with for 7 years, is a little older than me, but that's because I WANTED someone older, not because I felt I had to settle. I think he'd also agree that if anyone holds more power in our relationship, it's me. I guess the key is to realise you don't NEED a man. A man should feel lucky to be part of your life, not entitled.

Please think about leaving this relationship, he clearly has no respect for you and you can do better, good men are out there! I honestly would have gone gay by now if there weren't any Grin

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 20/12/2017 16:45

Oh I remember you now. I don't know what else anyone can say. You've been advised repeatedly to leave him, especially as you have older children who are being exposed to his abuse and a broken Mum.

You have options. You have choices. Yes you've had a baby with him now but you haven't been with him all that long have you? You coped before on your own with 2 kids, you can cope on your own with 3.

Leave.

ClareB83 · 20/12/2017 16:45

Society isn't equal yet but it is your choice to be with a man who chooses to abuse that.

There are plenty of equal relationships out there even after having children. Several couples in my friendship group have both parents working the same number of hours and taking one day off a week each to do childcare.

Me and my OH intend to do the same after maternity leave and may use shared parental leave depending on breastfeeding/our employers etc

In terms of power, I don't really think about who has the power in our relationship. But then I own the house and earn enough to support me and the kids. Get the PhD and the career sorted, you'll feel much better.

deckoff · 20/12/2017 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glumglowworm · 20/12/2017 16:46

Your anger would be better directed at your DP and your energy on escaping him rather than fighting the patriarchy

It is perfectly possible to find a man that’s not a total dick, it’s also perfectly possible to be happy on your own. And being lonely is better than being with an abusive DP

CatsRock · 20/12/2017 16:47

OP the main problem here is you are shacked up with a twat.

I find it hard to believe he was kind and lovely toward you before you had a baby together.

I seriously considered leaving my DH when my first was about 4 months. DH clocked it and dug deep and worked hard to address the things I was unhappy about, win back my trust and persuade me to stay. I think he felt then I held all the cards. He didn't want to loose me, or have considerably reduce access to our child, or, practically end up paying a lot in maintenance.

He is a good, kind man who loves me. Your DP sounds like an abusive bully who doesn't care about you.

You have options. You don't have to put your baby in childcare now. Do it when they are ready at 1yr/ 2yr /3yrs and finish your PhD, maybe part time at first.

It's easy to have the judgey with the new baby goggles on at your point.

As time passes, the feeling of needing to be with your child gets less intense (and I do understand it, I felt the same when mine were that age) and you see the benefits they (and you) get from spending time with others.

It doesn't have to be so black and white.

You have options, so dial down the dramatics and start thinking practically. You are setting your child a terrible example by staying in this relationship anyway. It might be best to stay for the financial support for now, perhaps, but make practical plans to leave in due course now.

Did you really not think of any of this BEFORE you had a baby with this man?

If not, why not?

k2p2k2tog · 20/12/2017 16:47

Due to the way society is

No, due to the fact your partner is a class A knob.

Not all men are wankers.

AngelsSins · 20/12/2017 16:50

cathyclown how can you possibly say feminism has failed when we are now "allowed" to:

Vote
Own bank accounts
Own property
Own patents
Not be raped by our husbands
Be lesbian without being seen as mentally ill
Earn our own money

Feminism has won many battles, but it's not over yet. Men will always push to keep us down, and some women will back them up. Doesn't mean you can say feminism has failed! Do you think the civil rights movement failed?!

cricketqueen · 20/12/2017 16:54

Your partner is abusive because he is a twat not because of society. Stop blaming the world and blame the real culprit (him)!! You can be single and happy you don't need a man.
My DH loves in the same society and yet he treats me with respect and we have an equal relationship. He does housework without been asked, looks after his child without been asked, he bought all the Xmas presents and food because I've been to I'll to even try get to the shops. He did all this because he is a grown man who doesn't need me to hold his hand.
Get away from your abusive partner and maybe you will see things clearer.

Sancerresanwine · 20/12/2017 16:56

Fighting the patriarchy is hard work.

But your crap relationship with an abusive twat is not solely because of it.

Plenty of lovely men want to have relationships with lovely women who have children. Plenty of horrible men of any age don't find anyone to put up with them.

It, ie parenthood, will get easier and better. Your baby is very little and soon you will be able to put yourself on an economic footing again where you won't need him.

stitchglitched · 20/12/2017 16:57

Where was your concern for women in society when you were on MN complaining about his ex (who had fled with the clothes on her back) going to court for an occupation order so she and their child could move back into her home? You were most annoyed because you were living there now and didn't want to move.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 16:58

Where was your concern for women in society when you were on MN complaining about his ex (who had fled with the clothes on her back) going to court for an occupation order so she and their child could move back into her home? You were most annoyed because you were living there now and didn't want to move.

Awhatwhatnow?

This is all very weird.

stitchglitched · 20/12/2017 17:01

My point is that the OP was happy with her partner's strong position as a man when he was shafting his ex.

PricklyBall · 20/12/2017 17:02

Ignore CathyClown, OP. The clue is in the second half of her name - she is one.

Seriously, you are with an abusive twat of a partner. You need to leave him. You might find yourself single, you might meet someone decent. Either way you will be infinitely better off that you are at the moment.

cathyclown · 20/12/2017 17:05

Feminism is an evolving thing, I get that. And thank you all for not totally putting me in the mincer!

It just seems to me that there are so many women around now who accept patriarchy no question. As I said earlier, the Christmas food, visitors, changing beds, cleaning, food shopping, child minding appears to be a woman thing right up to this day.

That is not to say that many men are good, kind, generous and sharing of course they are. But they still have the upper hand sometimes and can be pandered to. That is the reality.

I think feminism has failed to give many women the message. So they will continue on as before. That is the problem. Maybe some women do not want men to share or contribute. Control does not necessarily come from men either.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 17:05

Once children are born the man is very much powerless.

So I leave with the baby and claim 15% of his income. That's it. That evens the power balance?

OP posts:
Impostress99 · 20/12/2017 17:05

My husband holds no power over me.

I have a PhD, am a Senior Lecturer, earn much more than him.

He does more childcare than I do.

He applauds and congratulates me on every success and every new publication.

He is kind sensitive loyal and caring.

He holds the fort when I travel to conferences.

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