to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

[PeppersTheCat]

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

Posted too soon. Meant to say your problem isn't patriarchy- it's your partner being a wanker

but I couldn't bear to shove my baby into a nursery at such a young age. I don't judge those that do, I just couldn't myself

Oh please, if that wasn't judging why would you use the word "shove"? You wouldn't.

Listen OP, you're with an utter cuntbag. It might seem easier to blame society for the horrible relationship you are in, but you know that you're clutching at straws.

Equal balanced fair and loving relationships are perfectly possible. You just don't have one.

Just because sexism is rife that does not mean every man is sexist!!

Jesus Christ your nasty cunt of a husband is in no way representative of all men.

I had no problems whatsoever attracting partners at 34, divorced with two kids. I had a great year casually seeing a few people then found a serious relationship and was proposed to and married within 18 months. All the men were lovely and sweet because that’s the only kind of man I’m attracted to. You know, the ones who are NOT sexist arseholes simply because they can be.

I’m pregnant with my 4th child now and happily married and have recently had to tell a man that honestly, I really am happy and no, there is no way I’m going on a date pregnant and married with him (arguably he probably wasn’t great if he’s happy to take a married pregnant woman on a date) and I’m
40 now so it’s just rubbish that nobody would want you. Maybe your husband has made you feel that way?

Just because men can have power and lots of them are utter arseholes it does not mean all of them take that power and use it against you. There really are geat men out there. Once you believe you are worth it and deserve the best that’s what you will get.

Nasty men are attracted to women with low self esteem. Get rid of crap man, that’s the first step.

Why are you with a man who doesn't respect you? I wouldn't be.

I'm married, I also own the house in my own name and earn the most money. My DH works very long hours for less money (recent career change and working his way up) but does what he can around the house and contributes in other ways to our life together. He doesn't withhold anything from me, he respects the work that I do, and thanks me for it.

You are worth more...and there are men out there who are the exact opposite to your husband.

PricklyBall.

No need for the personal insults at all. But open forum and all that.

What utter bollocks.

It’s your choice in partner not society that’s at fault here.

Why are you with him, if you feel like this? If he’s as bad as you suggest, he sounds like an epic bell end

Stitch - I remember now. Yes, and the OP accusing the ex of emotional abuse in 'brainwashing' the child even though SS had been involved with the ex as DP was abusive.

I am sorry, I am going to be blunt, maybe a twat, but feminism has not failed. You did, maybe burdened by low self esteem and poor relationship and life choices. It may be harsh, but I am more than fed up with whining about how women have been hard done by feminism when the issue is coming from some of their choice and/or MH. Fuck that. Feminism gave me so much opportunities, allowed me to have so much more than a life beholden to a guardian that I want to protect its legacy and future against those who would shit on it. Men or women.

Your dp is not a good man. They are not all like this. And as for studying with a young baby, it is possible to do so without having to put them in any sort of outside care. I did a degree with the OU while my two dss were babies. It wasn’t easy to find the time, especially with two of them plus they were appalling sleepers but it was possible. It’ll take you longer but you don’t have to give it up altogether. Dh is doing a PhD as well as a very demanding job (works 12 hours a day). Again not easy but possible.

Op in the nicest possible way stop worrying about the patriarchy for a bit and come up with some practical ways to make your life better. You are clearly married to an arse so try and arrange a way out.

You can take maternity leave for a year. A one year old in part time childcare (childminder might suit you better than nursary) will thrive and you can finish your PhD on a part time basis (unless you want to do full time).

Try and be happy alone, work on your boundaries, see a counsellor, enjoy your son, enjoy your work, make some friends, find a good reliable babysitter.

And then when you are feeling happy and confident fulfilled look for an equal partner to share it.

It's very possible to have a equal loving relationship. But I really think you have to start from a happy confident place to end up in one.

I hope you find the solution you are after

society has created an unequal footing between men and women, so every man I date will be aware that he holds the power and can exploit it if he wishes

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship but that's beyond bullshit. My husband and I are totally equal. He'd never talk to me like your husband talks to you. And in fact if anyone had to say who wore the trousers then folks would guess it was me.

Right now I'm the larger salary earner by far, but earlier in our relationship it was him.

The way to avoid men having the power? Don't date arseholes, don't submit to them and don't put up with shite. You can't be that desperate to be with someone you'd rather be with some abusive loser than be alone?

There are plenty of decent men out there.

I'm a SAHM so no financial independence, older than my DH (by a few years) and we are absolutely equal.

We love the set-up we have and make each other happy. In fact, during our first fall out since our DD was born, I said "I'm going to my mother's" as I was in a huff. He thought I meant for good! He begged me not to leave him and he could 'be better'... My heart melted as I realised he thought I was leaving him and his World seemed to collapse!

Most days I think 'what is this handsome young man doing with a fat old goat like me'. Maybe, like me, your insecurities are getting you down. The difference is my DH doesn't use them to his advantage and no man should. But if he does, it's time to go

If you're willing to make the same choices he is willing to make then I guess your career won't be so compromised.

He is leaving his children in the care of a caring parent. Not the same choice at all.

You're really determined to misunderstand what people say aren't you?

You have a very young baby, depression, anxiety and an abusive partner. I think that perhaps between the new baby and the awful man you are struggling and your MH is suffering. Your thinking is very one-dimensional and catastrophic and it reminds me of how I get when my MH is teetering on the edge. I think you need to get some help - GP, HV, or perhaps Mental health team if you are under one - get your meds looked at, get some support, ideally talking therapy if possible. Whatever it takes to get your head straight and to the point where you can see this guy is no good and you can/must leave him.

If this is the second abusive relationship you find yourself in then maybe it's time to think about Women's Aid or Freedom Programme interventions.

If you claim to be a feminist don’t be a dick about childcare.

The problem here is your own internalised misogyny

You cannot rely on your partner whether or not you leave him so if you want financial security in future you will need paid childcare.

I think I remember from your previous threads that your older children don't live with you?

OP the status of your relationship has very little to do with inequality of society/feminism etc.
If you read your post it's obvious what the problems are.
You seem intent on avoiding the real issues though.

I posted on a different thread only a few hours ago about how depressing these type of threads are. And then up pops another one!

It is perfectly possible to have an equal heterosexual relationship in today's society. It's a combination of making the right choices in life and also not settling for a knobhead partner. And FWIW, I would rather "shove" my children in "institutionalised" childcare than have them be brought up by a downtrodden mother and a vile, abusive father.

I suppose I could leave the baby with him and pay child support but my heart wont let me do that. Its hard to explain. I would miss my baby so much. If I gave him to DP and became non-custodial parent it would feel like I'd abandoned baby, yet men do this by default when their relationship breaks down.

Ive come over from reddit to read this pity party. Yep you have a child, so does he!
Yes you need a nursery, so does he.
Why are you letting this pathetic excuse for man push you around op?
Noone can make you feel inferior without your permission. Im now back off to the clique.

Ps why is thete a banner right across the comment box on the mobile site? It makes checking your post very difficault and there is no edit function to stop you looking like an illiterate idiot.

But you're not resident parent of your older children are you? So you know it's not always the default?

Don't leave the baby with him!! Get yourself a decent nursery or childminder and get back to the PhD. Then find yourself a good job with the potential for flexibility that will work when you have school age children. I don't know what your subject is, but I have a science PhD and have a brilliant flexible well paid job. It can be done.

Wha?