to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

[PeppersTheCat]

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

I left an abusive relationship after 18 years and I had children. Never regretted it for a single second - also never had a problem finding another relationship when I was absolutely ready. It's your life and you get one shot at it. Don't waste it on an abuser.

You have made these choices for yourself though. You've been posting about this guy, how awful he is, how he treated his ex, how he treats your older kids, long before you had a baby with him. He's a shit. You knew he was a shit. Where is your personal responsibility for the decisions you've made?

Peppers, it looks like you have a three way choice:

Stay in an abusive relationship which will fuck your son up by exposing him to domestic abuse (because coercive control and verbal abuse is abuse, and he will learn this as the pattern for his adult relationships);

Leave and choose not to work because you don't want to put him in childcare - go on benefits instead and be poor (remembering that most of the poorer outcomes for the children from single parent families are down to poverty, not to only having one parent);

Leave and choose to finish your PhD - there are some excellent nurseries out there, and dare I suggest, your son would do better with a mother who is intellectually fulfilled, has enough money that life isn't a constant struggle, and is in excellent childcare (most universities have creches on site).

Personally I'd choose (3). In fact, I did choose a variation on (3). I am a single parent, DS has been in childcare from the age of 7 months, he is now late primary age, absolutely thriving, I have built up a thriving network of friends with children with whom I can swap childcare, even go on holiday with, managed to get promoted at work during that time (modest, but sufficient salary, we don't go short), and we both have a very happy and comfortable life.

Reading between the lines of your posts I'd say you're catastrophising because you are depressed because you have an absolute shit for a partner.

You sound depressed, Peppers.

I mean that in the clinical way: unable to find positives in life or believe that you can change your world.

That's where I hear your beliefs coming from. They aren't based in a reality I have encountered.

You know your dickhead partner is only telling you these things because he knows if you realised even an ounce of your worth you would realise what a piece of shit he is and leave?

Abusive partner 101.

there's no way for a woman to have an equal relationship.

This is absolutely wrong.

I feel for you OP, I really do and I think you need to leave the twat right now.

There are many, many men who have started relationships with women who have children and haven't given it a second thought because they loved the woman with the child.

You have had such negative experiences of relationships that it's jaded your view of what a future could be.

Your power in the relationship is the ability to leave. It is the ability to say 'I am better than this' and it is the power to show your child that life can be great when you are brave. The only power he has over you is the power that you are giving him. Kill the source of that power and he has none.

Your DP is horrible and would be in any kind of society set-up. Plenty of single women with babies go on to have happy relationships. Why did you have a child with this man and put yourself in this vulnerable position of wanting a job but feeling you can't put your DC into childcare. I think your views also need to be changed. What do you mean find a man 10 years older than you so he can feel lucky. Why would being 10 years older make any difference.

So Feminism didn't work all that well did it?

I agree that no matter how loving and caring and sharing and all the rest of it men are, they do have more power than a mother has.

I know some of you will jump on me, but that's the reality. They can leave and pay maintenance and be a Disney Dad for an hour a week. Job done by the rules. Or they can come in from work at 7-8pm, throw the briefcase down and fall asleep. Kids are in bed at that time.

Women can be slaves, the wife work, the organisation, the kids etc. while man almighty is out earning for the world. Away from the reality of life and rearing children. I know women work too, but really, feminism has failed.

But women bear some responsibility here. How that is achieved on an equal basis I don't know. I wish I was born a man TBH.

But I suppose I can self identify now, but that is not what I mean at all.

Well... this is a choice you're making that is holding back your career, whereas your partner would make a different choice, which would not hold back his career.

Yes but they are not equal choices, which I think is the point the OP is making.

There has been no bus with “Career men make bad fathers” plastered across it. There are no government reports on the merits of nursery versus home aimed at fathers.

And many women feel a biological urge to be SAHMs. That is no bad thing.

Having said that OP I would encourage to think about finding a way to continue your PhD. You are obviously a clever woman and using your brain is very fulfilling.

Good luck

My partner isn't a nob, he supports and loves me. That's why we can maintain an equal relationship.

yes the patriarchy is shit, but it’s not the reason for your problems or a reason to stay in a bad relationship.

You sound depressed, Peppers.

I'm on anti-depressants. They work most of the time, but when he's pushing me around (emotionally) I just can't cope.

You sound depressed and who wouldn't in your circumstances? Your ex was bad and now your present DP also sounds like an abusive bully. Can you ask yourself why you have attracted these idiots?

You need to get away from this sod and either into a good healthy relationship with a proper man - that is, one who is grown up and doesn't need to throw his weight around in order to feel good or stand on your own two feet and find a way to enjoy being independent. The second option is preferable if you remain 'a bad picker.'

cathyclown

YES! Feminism has failed.

cathyclown
No one is denying patriarchy isn't a thing, they are however pointing out that its not responsible for an abusive relationship.

I know women work too, but really, feminism has failed.

It’s not that feminism has failed. It’s that men haven’t caught up to it.

And some men get their children ripped from their lives with no legal reason or rhyme and have to spend every penny they earn supporting and fighting through courts for the children they cannot see.

My DP did the lions share of his children's upbringing. He paid outright for the house, he paid for her car, everything in their house, he left work every day and spent his lunch picking the children up from school and dropping them home because the lazy bitch wouldn't walk, he would get home from work to cook them dinner because all she can cook is chicken nuggets, and because she threatened to take his children away unless he signed everything over in the divorce he sacrificed everything bar his clothes and car, and she still took the kids.
He now cannot walk into the house HE paid for, to see the children HE raised because if he does SHE can have him arrested.

So no. Once children are born the man is very much powerless.

Feminism hasn't failed - it's a work in progress. We might not be all the way there yet, but look how far we have come.

Feminism has failed
It hasn't it's just very slow, mass change takes a lot of time.

You just have to look at some of the angst filled threads here about Christmas organisation/cooking/gift buying and all the rest of it.

Himself is at the office and cannot do anything but work, while wife/partner is organising everything from clean sheets, food shopping, sick kids, PILs and all that stress. Ho Hum.

If you let them away with it they will get away with it. It is our own fault.

My partner acknowledges that he has an automatic societal 'power' and therefore does things that pushes me up in situations where I would naturally get pushed down. In public situations, he doesn't ever speak for me or on my behalf, all home situations e.g. stuff that needs doing is tackled as a couple, or divided fairly. He sacrifices things to allow me to progress with my career just as I would do for him. He is better at DIY and me better at cooking, but I never feel like a downtrodden woman!

The 10+ comment perplexes me. We've been together since our early twenties and I have never once felt like I needed a man 10 years older just to be treated nicely.

The fact I'm a woman is not an 'elephant in the room' as you describe - it's a facet of our relationship and we work together on our relationship and respect each other.

Your partner is just taking advantage of you and your insecurities and willingness to be pushed around. That's not normal behaviour for a man.

"It is our own fault." - cathyclown - you reckon feminism has failed and then you say it's all the fault of women?!! Are you a bloke or a troll?

I do totally see the inequalities in society and the effect a patriarchal society has which has particular repurcussions once a woman has DC.

YOu can either be single and date and/or have non-live in relationships - perfectly valid and enjoyable way to live. Enjoy your DC, and build a good life for the 2 of you without having to factor in someone else! Or aim to find a live in relationship but put high boundaries in place. It does pay off (and fwiw my ex is miserable!). I finished with 5 men who were decent but didn't quite match what I was looking for before current BF.

Also fwiw, I would have felt totally the same about leaving my DC at 4 months. At 9 months, I left him for 2 days a week with a carefully chosen childminder and, despite feeling like I was dying on leaving him initially, it very quickly got much better and I did appreciate the me time (even if that was working with the odd trip to get a sandwich at lunch). So, maybe don't totally write off childcare for your DD just yet even if it isn't 5 days per week.

That you don't feel you'd be an attractive proposition probably says more about how your confidence and self esteem has been ruined by this man than society. Run far, far, away.

*You just have to look at some of the angst filled threads here about Christmas organisation/cooking/gift buying and all the rest of it.

Himself is at the office and cannot do anything but work, while wife/partner is organising everything from clean sheets, food shopping, sick kids, PILs and all that stress. Ho Hum.

If you let them away with it they will get away with it. It is our own fault.*

PREACH. (To an extent)

FYI DP is cooking Xmas dinner. And is on house cleaning duty because he's bought all his gifts and I haven't had time.

Why is he doing all this, without incentive, whilst owning a penis?

BECAUSE HES A GROWN ASS MAN.