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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an equal heterosexual relationship is not possible in a patriarchal society

227 replies

PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 15:47

I'm 35. I have a 4 month old baby and a 36 year old partner who belittles me, calls me fat, bosses me about and blackmails me. Due to the way society is, he holds all the power - and he knows it.

He can date women of all ages who won't care that he's a little overweight. His career has been left unscathed by the birth of our baby whereas mine is practically ruined (I was in the middle of a phd and probably won't be able to complete it). If I leave him I'll be left to struggle with a baby on my own on benefits (I dont want to put such a young child in institutional childcare, it would break my heart) and if i want to be treat nicely I need to date men 10+ years older who will feel lucky to have me. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what i could have done with my phd.

A man wont see a single mother with a baby as an attractive proposition. meanwhile he can get a new woman in weeks. he knows this and thats why he feels nothing about blackmailing me and claiming it is normal.

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

How do people manage equitable heterosexual relationships when women's careers suffer as a result of childbirth AND women are more valued for their looks/youth than men. Women seems to diminish in value as they age. Men, less so.

With such an unequal power balance, how is love achievable?

OP posts:
speakout · 20/12/2017 16:16

peppers- He has a daughter from a previous relationship and I wonder how life will be for her.

Hopefully she will have higher standards than the ones you are setting for yourself ( and modelling for your own kids)

And the fact that your OHs ex woke up and smelled the coffee will mean she is raising this girl in a better environment than the one you are choosing for your own children.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 20/12/2017 16:16

OP I’m with you. Yes it’s possible to find an equal relationship with a man who values you but the inequalities of society lurk in the background and ultimately give him more leverage within the relationship should he choose to use it.

To give an example my XP and I were equally bad at housework and regularly argued about it. He used to quote Men are from Mars to me, saying studies proved that many women loved housework. It made me feel bad, abnormal, as it does my friend when her DH is praised by others for doing what she does everyday.

Unfortunately there is no solution other than luck.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:17

I doubt very much he'd find another woman tomorrow.

How so? He has a decent job and hardly any childcare issues.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 16:17

Agreeing with the majority that your situation is not "the norm" and it's perfectly possible to have a decent and equitable relationship - just not for you with the dickhead you're with. :(

motherinferior · 20/12/2017 16:17

Your university will almost certainly have a nursery and it will be full of the babies of PhD students and staff. You'll probably meet some rather nice fellow-parents who will give you hope.

Skowvegas · 20/12/2017 16:18

I do have funding, but I couldn't bear to shove my baby into a nursery at such a young age. I don't judge those that do, I just couldn't myself. He's just a small baby.

Well... this is a choice you're making that is holding back your career, whereas your partner would make a different choice, which would not hold back his career.

If you're willing to make the same choices he is willing to make then I guess your career won't be so compromised.

Thetreesareallgone · 20/12/2017 16:18

You obviously feel hopeless in this situation, however, it is you who has given away your power here. You get maternity leave for your PhD on studentships (I didn't, but that was a long time ago) and could leave this utter idiot behind and get your PhD and start a scientific career. You could also choose nursery, many of the women I know who have academic careers (with partners) do use childcare, in fact, a PhD is a good time to do this as the next 2 years would be maternity/flexible working, and you can work around the baby. Admittedly, I wouldn't work the first six months.

You chose this guy as opposed to one who isn't emotionally abusive, that was a bad choice, personally I would choose again, and start to re-establish your career as an academic, this has enabled me to be financially independent (I had two children during my PhD) and have an interesting career. I did move to be near my parents though, and so have progressed more slowly than if I'd moved about, but it is possible.

Perhaps you are depressed at the moment, the way you talk makes me think this- because your husband/partner is awful and you feel trapped, but it needn't be this way forever.

motherinferior · 20/12/2017 16:18

Because he sounds horrible. Horrible men do not have much success with women with decent self-esteem. I've dated enough horrible men in the past to realise this!

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:18

IfyouseeRitaMoreno yes indeed. Aside from becoming a lesbian (is that even possible?) there's no way for a woman to have an equal relationship.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 20/12/2017 16:18

Your son is learning that calling a woman fat and verbally abusing her is acceptable. Who knows, if you stay with your dh, your son may even learn that beating women isn’t a big deal. Abuse begets abuse.

AstridWhite · 20/12/2017 16:19

my choice is be single and lonely, or bow to him.

There is a third way. Choose to be single and awesome. Go on. I dare you.

motherinferior · 20/12/2017 16:19

Why on earth didn't you ask for examples of those studies?

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 16:20

He probably could find a woman tomorrow. As could you find a man, just open a plenty of fish profile and title it "I do anal", you'll have a ten mile line.

Being able to pick someone up is not a qualification of worth. Trust me.

There are over 50 comments on this thread telling you that you are deluded, we are not lying.

ISeeTheLight · 20/12/2017 16:20

You sound depressed. Your partner is an abusive twat, and you're so far in it you can't see a way out.

You need some professional help; please talk to your GP, Woman's aid or similar.

Relationships CAN be equal. Your career is NOT over. I went back to work when DD was 5months old. Yes, it's not ideal, but I found an amazing nursery that helped her become the confident girl she is now. Honestly, nurseries/childminders are not all bad. Good ones are very positive.

But first, I think you need to speak with someone in real life who makes you see there is an alternative.

Seniorcitizen1 · 20/12/2017 16:20

You cant extrapolate from your knob of a partner to all relationships. Me and my partner are equal, share everything includind decisions and have 100% trust - been like this for over 30 years

happypoobum · 20/12/2017 16:21

You do not have a partner you have an abuser.

Why are you so obsessed with being coupled up? It sounds as though your self esteem has been trashed by this man and you don't even feel confident enough to cope without a Penis Owner propping you up - this is absolute bullshit.

There are shedloads of wonderful men out there, I agree. However, being single can also be absolutely bloody marvellous.

You come across as though you think a shitty abusive relationship where you are treated like crap is better than no relationship at all.

You are very mistaken. I hope you find a way to grow in confidence and ditch this prick.

PinkHeart5914 · 20/12/2017 16:21

What's to say the next man won't do this? My ex did (the one before the current)

Well you don’t have to have another relationship certainly not right away , you do not need a man to function

You could work on your confidence and self esteem

You can learn to belive you are worth a much higher standard of man that what you are sticking with now

How so? He has a decent job and hardly any childcare issues Yes but not all women are that swallow all they want is a man with a good job

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 16:21

it is society which makes him feel entitled to behave this way

Society may enable it, but the thing that allows him to behave this way is you. My dh lives in the same society and doesn't behave this way and if he did I'd be straight out of the door and down to the solicitor's office.

ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs · 20/12/2017 16:21

There is no reason at all why you can't be single.

Women don't have to rely on a man to 'keep them' these days you know.

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 20/12/2017 16:21

If you're willing to make the same choices he is willing to make then I guess your career won't be so compromised.

He is leaving his children in the care of a caring parent. Not the same choice at all.

Horrible men do not have much success with women with decent self-esteem

Yes indeed. That's why he chooses women with anxiety issues.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/12/2017 16:21

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Challenge yourself regarding the assumptions you make about single women and single parents. Use your obviously intelligent mind to educate yourself as to just what is possible without a man in your life.

FaFoutis · 20/12/2017 16:22

I'm going against most posters on here to say I agree with the OP, but only once you have children. Relatively equal is possible before that.
It was a shock to me how vulnerable I felt once I had children and I have many friends who have been left poor and underemployed after divorce.
Having said that, it is possible to be in a kind relationship where the man does not take advantage of the power and freedom he potentially has.
The relationship in the OP is abusive, not normal. You need to get out OP. Make a plan, that will give you hope.

RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 16:22

Um no, your husband is just a dick and you are making excuses for not leaving. If you leave you get to keep the baby and he has to pay to support you. You have power if you want to exercise it.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 20/12/2017 16:22

IfyouseeRitaMoreno
Did you read the OP, it's not a "society praises men for doing house work" situation, her partner is outright abusive.

WeirdCatLady · 20/12/2017 16:24

Your current partner is a twat. Not all men are twats.

It is perfectly possible to complete your PhD, and the chance to mix with other children will be good for your dc.

Not. All. Men. Are. Twats.

I say this as an extremely overweight, unattractive, lazy mare, who has done naff all today apart from a bit of shopping and yet my dh has happily just gone out, after a long day at work, to pick up takeaway for dinner because I can’t be arsed to cook.

Get rid of your partner and crack on with your life, with your lovely dc and your PhD x