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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think her DH should have paid for their food?

201 replies

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 10:29

DH and I were on a date at the weekend. We'd been in the restaurant about ten minutes when a couple we know from the school DS used to attend came in. I haven't seen the woman much for over a year since the boys moved on and I must admit I do avoid her if I see her around the shops - not because I don't like her as such, but I just find her a bit much because she's unneccessarily competitive about her DC (in my opinion). DH sees her husband occasionally as they're in some kind of "supper club" forum.

So they came over and the next thing they're asking for their table to be joined to ours. Before he'd even sat down, her DH was ordering champagne. I wasnt drinking because I'd just come off a three-day juice detox, plus I don't really drink wine anyway. She does go on about her DC and their music exams, academics, etc etc, but apart from that, they were fine really that night, although they drank 2 bottles between them, plus brandies. DH was driving so didn't have much.

When the bill came, DH said he'd get it. Her DH said he would, but DH picked it up, so her DH said, "We'll do next time then".

AIBU to think her DH should have insisted on paying half, given that these are not people we socialise with regularly anyway? Also, I feel that our evening was kind of gate crashed by these people and it's rare for us to get time away from the DC. I don't know how much the bill was, but it's the principle of it. Now she has texted asking us for drinks at theirs after Xmas. They are not bad people, but my gut feeling is not to go there. DH says, "don't worry about it," but I feel irrationally irritated. WWYD?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 20/12/2017 14:45

If I had found myself in this position, being steamrollered into having a meal with people, with whom I do not care to spend any time and infact I was trying to avoid... I can't actually imagine this happening but if it dud, the. I would have been tempted to pay, too, in order to avoid the splitting the bill or they paying and me being obligated to them, to return the hospitality. Mostly though, I have worked on my ability to avoid the situation arising in the first place...

Always, the sooner an error is caught, the less fallout it will cause.

EastMidsMummy It's not "showing off." It's not "sponging". And ultimately, it won't cost you anything if it's reciprocated.

But the OP's point is exactly that she does not care to continue the acquaintance and so is not interested in reciprocal hospitality.

thedietstartsnow I bet they do that all the time to get a free meal...

Really, are there really so many otherwise functioning adults who would allow themselves to be steamrollered in this way..? Again, I can't imagine it and would love to hear examples. Maybe another thread. Smile

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 14:56

Just thinking about the possible £90 dish - would that be pufferfish? I know that it has to be very carefully prepared and is a very expensive delicacy, but not sure it's up to quite that value.
However, the other DH didn't know that your DH was going to offer to pay for the meal, so he wasn't ordering that on the expectation that he'd get it for free, surely?

ToffeeUp · 20/12/2017 15:07

Wagyu beef would be my guess.

And what is a 'supper club'?

Original poster
seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 15:08

The dish he had which I believe cost that was a piece of teryaki steak, sliced and that's it. It's quite small portions. Not everything on the menu is that sort of price and it seems absolutely crazy to me. We only went there because Japanese food is quite good after a 3-day juice.

OP posts:
BenLui · 20/12/2017 15:12

If I’d ordered one dish costing £90 I would not allow anyone else to split the bill.

You were wrong to allow them to sit down but once you’d done it your DH was right to pay.

loveka · 20/12/2017 15:13

Or Wagu beef?

He expected to be paying for himself, that is the key.

If you are OK with it being your husband asking for the bill and paying the bill, and making the decisions then fine. But it IS old fashioned, and there is bias at play. Ie, men are in control, hold the power etc.

KurriKurri · 20/12/2017 15:16

A 3 day juice ? £90 for a small piece of meat?
Why would you 'juice' for 3 days. What is the actual point of doing that ?

My God people are starving in this world. I sometimes think people have completely lost all connection with reality.

LolitaLempicka · 20/12/2017 15:19

haha! marmalade got there first, but I will echo what she said, your DH was being a Billy Big Bollocks. Showing off. I hate that kind of behaviour, it's insecurity.

SilverySurfer · 20/12/2017 15:21

What would make a difference is knowing how your DH paying this bill has impacted on your budget. If it has resulted in you having to go without things then he should not have offered. If you can comfortably afford it, then it's best to forget it and get on with your life. It's difficult because you clearly dislike this woman while your DH has a shared hobby and presumably gets on with the DH.

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/12/2017 15:26

I think people juice for 3 days because steroids need to be cycled, surprised after 3 days on the 'roids though the OP wasn't more assertive.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2017 15:27

Why are people talking about the 1800s and the "wifey" comments? DH will physically pay but it's the same thing as me paying

Becayse your posts refer to both men paying, you even say her husband should have paid. Where as most people who are in an equal relationship say " we will pay" or "they should paid". Not my husband or her husband. It's rather 1800s housewife where the men pay for dinner. Nothing wrong with that if that's your deal, but that's why folks are commenting.

What do you mean though there are other women in town like this? Have you fallen out with others also over school dramas?

Findingdotty · 20/12/2017 15:27

I don't understand why you let someone else gatecrash your evening with your DH. When they asked for the tables to be moved together you address the waiting staff and say clearly no. Then explain that you are on a date together. The bill has little to do with the problem. Your DH was pretty daft to offer to pay it though.

AhhhhThatsBass · 20/12/2017 15:28

I think you just have to let it go, OP. I'd have been annoyed/irritated with my DH too but perhaps the other woman's DH saw it as "graciously accepting" after your DH insisted twice. And they're now trying to return the favour by inviting you for drinks in the New Year. If your DH had a dish costing £90 (wagyu beef at Roka/Zuma??), then yes it was probably a hefty bill but chances are he/you (pl) can afford it or he wouldn't have offered.
If you're annoyed that they joined you, then YANBU but at the same time it's also your own fault for not insisting - politely or otherwise - that it was a romantic date and you don't get old a lot etc.
A little bit of misdirected anger here?

AhhhhThatsBass · 20/12/2017 15:29

*out

Mossend · 20/12/2017 15:35

Her DH offered to pay, but your husband insisted that he would.
It is most def your husbands fault not hers

RestingBitchFaced · 20/12/2017 15:38

Sounds like you have more money than sense, also stealth boast much?

Fintress · 20/12/2017 15:45

We once arranged to take visiting family from abroad (a couple) out for dinner, they booked the table at a restaurant of their choice. On the night there were about another 6 people there who they decided to invite to ‘catch up with’ while they were home. We didn’t know any of them. My husband was left to pick up the rather hefty bill. I was absolutely bloody furious, especially as no-one said thank you.

WizardOfToss · 20/12/2017 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 15:48

I wasnt drinking because I'd just come off a three-day juice detox,

I'm dead. 😂

Inforapenny65 · 20/12/2017 15:49

Just a thought....are you sure the both DH’s didn’t plan to “bump” into each other...given that they are friends...maybe it was all a ruse to get you and ow talking again....?

Original poster
seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 16:06

I've accepted that I should have been more assertive when they first came over. This is probably what I'm most annoyed about tbh, but it's easy to say in retrospect. I still think most people wouldn't just sit down without asking though.

I won't go into the whole boring history, but basically there were a group of extreme tiger mothers at the previous school and a very pressurised, unpleasant atmosphere as a result. DS was friends with a few sons of those mothers. They all got into the same two schools, but I chose the other school for DS and a large part of this decision was to get away from those mums. So socialising with these people feels a bit ominous to me, but then maybe I'm being paranoid? I don't know. DH is obviously not involved in school stuff as I was.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 20/12/2017 16:07

Japanese food is quite good after a 3-day juice.

Shit story, must be true.

BenLui · 20/12/2017 16:08

You don’t have to socialise with anyone you don’t want to seeking.

You don’t have to drift along into a relationship, you can say no.

expatinscotland · 20/12/2017 16:15

Dude, the world could use a mug like your DH. I'm in dire need of a new washing machine. I'll pay for your next one.

ToffeeUp · 20/12/2017 16:15

Just decline the invitation for drinks, it's an ivitation not a summons.

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