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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think her DH should have paid for their food?

201 replies

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 10:29

DH and I were on a date at the weekend. We'd been in the restaurant about ten minutes when a couple we know from the school DS used to attend came in. I haven't seen the woman much for over a year since the boys moved on and I must admit I do avoid her if I see her around the shops - not because I don't like her as such, but I just find her a bit much because she's unneccessarily competitive about her DC (in my opinion). DH sees her husband occasionally as they're in some kind of "supper club" forum.

So they came over and the next thing they're asking for their table to be joined to ours. Before he'd even sat down, her DH was ordering champagne. I wasnt drinking because I'd just come off a three-day juice detox, plus I don't really drink wine anyway. She does go on about her DC and their music exams, academics, etc etc, but apart from that, they were fine really that night, although they drank 2 bottles between them, plus brandies. DH was driving so didn't have much.

When the bill came, DH said he'd get it. Her DH said he would, but DH picked it up, so her DH said, "We'll do next time then".

AIBU to think her DH should have insisted on paying half, given that these are not people we socialise with regularly anyway? Also, I feel that our evening was kind of gate crashed by these people and it's rare for us to get time away from the DC. I don't know how much the bill was, but it's the principle of it. Now she has texted asking us for drinks at theirs after Xmas. They are not bad people, but my gut feeling is not to go there. DH says, "don't worry about it," but I feel irrationally irritated. WWYD?

OP posts:
Aki99 · 20/12/2017 13:32

I can just imagine the other bloke insisting back and it escalating lol

PumpkinSquash · 20/12/2017 13:34

Are you reading any of the replies on this thread? Nobody has asked for further details of her schoolgate conduct

Nope, you know why, because it's a pile of steaming horse poo.
No real person would completely ignore everything and be like "but Tarquin said this and then she said this and I hate her guts but my DH was like this and Jemima is well good at lacrosse but she comes across as a bit well stuck up about it."

Aki99 · 20/12/2017 13:35

Okay so its the same thing as you paying - then WHY DIDNT YOU SAY ANYTHING AT THE TIME?

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 13:35

It's not about having more money than sense. When we go out with another couple, DH will get it or the other couple. It doesn't matter, it all evens out. If we take a larger group out, it tends to be an occasion like a birthday, so obviously we will get that as they would if it was the other way round. We don't go out as a couple much anyway, just try and schedule something in every few weeks. Normally we have the kids with us so entertaining at home is easier.

OP posts:
PumpkinSquash · 20/12/2017 13:36

On the off chance you're all real and not 5 years old
You say your DH is friends with her DH at a supper club. So why shouldn't you all socialise if you bump into each other?
Or are you one of those who are like "I'm not friends with her, so you can't be either?"

loveka · 20/12/2017 13:39

No, it's not the same as you paying!

The men in this situation are in control, while the women sit by.

It is very old fashioned, but it is your choice. However, you can't get pissed off if things go a different way than you want. You could have said, when they were arging who should pay, "let's compromise and split it". Couldn't you?

My mum used to pass my dad money under the table to pay for meals. So he wouldn't be emasculated I assume.

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 13:51

How the other half live!
you clearly have money to burn, so what does any of it matter?

KurriKurri · 20/12/2017 13:56

I want to know what kind of a dish in a restaurant costs £90 ?
Actually I don't - I'm never going to go to restaurant like that.
£90 for a dish of food is obscene.

The whole scenario sounds mad, Inviting yourself to sit at someone;s table is really rude - obviously money can't buy good manners.

GrrrHotdogs · 20/12/2017 13:58

Sorry. It it's another yabu and I can't believe that you still don't think it was you'd DHs fault that you paid. They offered to pay and your DH declined. They have also asked you around to reciprocate. I don't think they did anything wrong at all. Assuming they asked if you minded them joining you.

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 14:01

lovka - I'm not sure what you mean really.

Sorry to sound dramatic but I feel as if by sheer coincidence, the whole thing with this lady has re-entered my life and I have colluded with it unwittingly. It's not just her, there are other women who are local and I'm wary of being drawn into all that again. I have no issue with her husband. DH sees him at some kind of forum and their paths cross due to a hobby, but I don't know how often. They get on well, so that's up to him of course.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/12/2017 14:02

They were rude to invite themselves to sit with you as it would have been awkward for you to say no. On that basis you should have accepted when they offered to pay. Might stop them doing similar in the future!
I agree with pp you should be angry with your husband for waving his balls around and insisting on getting the whole bill.

PumpkinSquash · 20/12/2017 14:04

DH sees him at some kind of forum and their paths cross due to a hobby, but I don't know how often. They get on well, so that's up to him of course.

So yep, totally you with the problem. You clearly don't like her, stop trying to drag your DH into your dramaz.

PumpkinSquash · 20/12/2017 14:06

OP why are you coming across as robotic in the answers? Are you even reading and listening or just coming up with the next installment?

loveka · 20/12/2017 14:07

What I am.saying is why do you leave all this to the men? You say it is the same as you paying, and it really isn't.

Be pissed off with your husband. Not this woman.

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 14:13

I'm not being robotic. People seem to think I'm U or weird so I'm mulling on that.

I don't leave anything to "the men" lovka. We have the same bank cards and he's my husband Confused

OP posts:
PumpkinSquash · 20/12/2017 14:26

Be pissed off with your husband. Not this woman.

This. He's the daft one for paying for it all. Although if you just sat there passively sulking or whatever and didn't say you didn't want them to join you and you wanted them to go away as you don't like her, how the hell was he supposed to know?
He knows her DH, maybe he wanted to have a few drinks and join them? Would love to hear your DH's side on this, bet it's a whole lot different to yours.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 14:27

Going to agree with the people saying it's your DH's fault.
The bloke did offer to pay instead but your DH said he'd do it.
It's kind of rude to insist on paying your own way after someone else has said they'll do it twice.

I think though, your biggest annoyance is that you don't want to eat with this couple again, so you feel that you're never going to get "repaid" for this meal - that they've effectively had a freebie off you (and an expensive one at that).

You need to let it go - or go out with them one more time to "even the score" with the payment and then let them go completely.
I agree it must be very wearing having to socialise with someone who is SO competitive over how the children compare!

Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 14:27

Maybe your DH sees the other guy as a good mate and was happy to have them join you, and would also like the two of you to be friends with them.

You need to talk about it with your DH.

FinallyHere · 20/12/2017 14:32

they are more pushy than most

Redirect your anger to something useful: research and practise strategies so your dates don't get gatecrashed by unwanted guests. DH and I are usually sociable and would be happy for others to join us. We are perfectly capable, when necessary, of explaining nicely that we are having a date night together and prefer to be alone. I haven't met anyone yet who would continue to get the tables lushed together under those circumstances.

Trust me, this is a useful life skill to learn.

loveka · 20/12/2017 14:33

But you DID leave it to him! You didn't speak up, it was HIS decision.

Are you usually the one who says "we'll get this"? Who chooses when you, as a couple, pay for things for other couples?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2017 14:35

OP, if you hadn't been so drippy yourself, this wouldn't have happened. You don't like the woman, your husband likes her husband. If he wasn't aware that you don't like her then he wouldn't perhaps have thought to not allow them to sit with you.

You could have been an adult and just said to the waiter, "Excuse me I'd rather you left the tables as they are" to stop him - and then said to the other couple, "We're having an evening together, maybe some other time?". And left it at that.

You didn't. You're just whinging now but you could have stopped it right at the start.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 14:36

I don't leave anything to "the men" lovka. We have the same bank cards and he's my husband

But you left the decision-making to your DH. You have repeatedly said throughout the thread that usually/normally "DH will get it" rather than "we would get it". Which makes you seem passive and second-fiddle to what your DH proposes.

When the bill came, DH said he'd get it. Her DH said he would, but DH picked it up, so her DH said, "We'll do next time then".

There you do. The men decided between them.

Yet your beef seems to be with the wife.

It's different issues, and you've conflated them in your mind.

Go or don't go to the drinks, but don't worry about it. Your DH was happy to pay, and he did.

swingofthings · 20/12/2017 14:40

Your post is making me anxious. If I offer to pay for a meal/drink, I mean it, so if someone say they'll pay, and I say 'no really it's on me', I don't want to get into a debate about it because I really want to pay.

I never realised that others doing the same actually offer but don't mean it, so now I'm questioning if any of my friends who offer to pay for a drink actually expect me to go on and on about 'no really, it should be me paying, I have more money/I ate more/I bigger than you/It's not your fault you invited me' until they finally say 'yeah you're right, you should pay at least half.

I really don't get your anger being directed at the family rather than your OH.

Topseyt · 20/12/2017 14:43

They were presumptuous when they simply joined you, and that would have rankled with me.

However, they did it and you did nothing to discourage them, although I appreciate that it would have felt awkward. You could still have insisted that the bills were kept totally separate though and I don't see why you didn't. Perhaps just your DH's daft ego.

£90 for a single dish is taking the piss, in my opinion. We are a family of 5, and if we all go to a restaurant together then our entire bill doesn't come to very much more than that. Sometimes less.

seekingsellotape · 20/12/2017 14:45

Well I admit that DH is the one who would ask for the bill, etc and he deals with money / paying as a general rule, but it's more habit than trying to be controlling. But yes I probably have conflated being irritated that they invaded our space and our past history with the paying issue, I can see that.

OP posts: