Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

Interesting that most of the people advocating not driving are non drivers. "Its never really been a problem in our relationship" kind of argument. Really? Are you sure?

I'm not sure lethaldrizzle. When I finally passed on my 9 th test, which I think the examiner was being a bit kind letting me pass . I was shit! However being the only driver I had to drive, and I've driven everywhere, up and down the country with no accidents. I was terrified at first and would never have done all that driving if DH drived. I wish he would pass now though.

Iniquity I am not talking about you. I am talking about the people who are not going to bother because someone else takes up the slack

It was my DH's choice to drive, not mine.

He offers to drive places because we live rurally. I've happily used public transport / legs for the last 17 years that neither of us could do it and am mostly still happy to do so as I'm the one doing school runs, I walk to/from work or get a taxi if needs be.

I paid the deposit for the car, he drives it.

Sounds a nightmare and I say that as a new driver at the age of 40!

Perhaps an automatic would help? That made the difference for me.

My DH doesn’t drive and we have a two year old. He actually has a licence but hasn’t driven for thirty years and has slow reactions so really doesn’t want to now.

Honestly? It doesn’t matter. We organise our life around it - chose to live somewhere with public transport to get to work, do our shopping on foot or get it delivered. Chose nursery based on him being able to walk there as well as me drive there.

As for the birth - a friend drove us in the first time (I was induced so we knew when it would be). I was readmitted when DD was five days old and we went into hospital by taxi. DH visited everyday on the bus. It was fine.

YANBU. He's one of those annoying CF's who won't learn to drive because he has someone else to treat like a taxi and ferry him around. They really piss me off. I'd be very annoyed about it.

Does he want to drive himself or is he just making noise about learning to placate you?

OP ring round some taxi companies now and check which are happy to carry you in labour and whether they’d want you to bring anything (eg a maternity mat to sit on). Also check whether they are busy at certain times of day (eg doing the school run).

I don’t get all these posters complaining that non-drivers get lifts everywhere. My DH is the non-driver and he walks everywhere or gets the bus/train and has never asked me for a lift. Sometimes we go on a joint shopping trip together. When we go on holiday we choose the destination together but I decide the route and where we’ll be stopping as I’m the driver. It honestly isn’t a big deal. If we do go out together in the evening (it’s more likely to be me going out on my own leaving DH at home with DD) we walk to wherever we’re going so there are no issues about lifts/not drinking etc. But that’s because we chose where to live on the basis of one of us not driving!

'Interesting that most of the people advocating not driving are non drivers. "Its never really been a problem in our relationship" kind of argument.'

Maybe because they're not brainwashed into believing driving a car is the cornerstone of civilisation, Lethal.

It would really annoy and stress me out, OP, whatever others say.

If you live in a big City, driving might not be required. We managed without a car in London for ages until we needed to commute with kids to primary school. We called a cab when I was in labour. If you live in a rural area where you maybe need to book cabs far in advance, is understandable the need to drive, but worst case just have someone else on standby to drive you over. Maybe he is afraid of driving and too embarrassed to say so.

Mairead driving is not the cornerstone of civilisation. Cycling Is! I cycle far more than I drive. But if someone doesn't drive and expects other people to do so that's just not on.

It's a life skill. I would not date someone who couldn't drive unless it was because of a medical reason.
If you live in a rural area, it is a complete PITA if you can't drive.

I know several women who learnt to drive after they had children even though they lived in a suburban environment because it made life so much easier. I don't think any passed first time.

why is it weird if a man doesnt want to learn t drive?

i only learnt 10 years ago my dh doesnt drive, doesnt want to its up to him

he does take public transport to work but some weekends i drive him -i would never force someone its controlling

I had an ex boyfriend who couldn't drive, and I used to nag him to learn. I had a car myself and it was really annoying driving him around the whole time. I finished with him, not because of that specifically but he wasn't right for me.

I do like the fact that my DH does most of the long distance driving, though I chauffeur our DDs around mostly.

Maybe it shouldn't matter, but at the same time it's annoying!

Unless there’s a genuine fear or financial reasons I don’t understand why people don’t drive. Especially if you have a family and are driven around. Prefer to have a drink? Don’t want to run the errands? Want to continue relying on everyone else if there’s a need to drive to your destination? Don’t get it.

God he sounds awful, I couldn't start a family with someone that doesn't drive. How does he propose you get to hospital whilst in labour?

YANBU. Y(probably)ABU for spending 12 years with a non driver!

The only non driver I dated for long learnt while we were together at about 27 (him) and it turns out, then he was still just a non driver with a car and driving licence. No more ambition, dynamism or general desire to do much more in life than before, but at least he didn't have to walk to work when it rained any more.

KenDodd - Sorry i'm really chuckling at the thought of taking car seats on buses for some reason. I'm imagine trudging to the bus stop with a buggy and a car seat, waiting holding it, then the bus waiting while you get on and fold down your buggy and strap you dc in. Then a few stops later unstrapping everyone and getting off while everyone on the bus hates you!

Slumdog - I've never been away for the night, but i am sometimes ill and often don't do chores etc. They don't really need doing everyday do they? If no one did a chore for a a few days the house would't fall apart. But no, dh doesn't do any household tasks like cooking, hoovering, cleaning bathrooms etc and never has and i've had 2 c-sections. It's just something he doesn't do. Like some people don't drive i suppose. He made it clear he never would and it was up to me what i did about it. So like in the OPs case, i'd just decide what i was happy with and what i wasn't and only do what i wanted.

@maggies41 as a brief recap to the many responses explaining why: fear or anxiety re driving; live places with good public transport; like cycling and walking; have discovered home delivery services; not requirement of job...

I didn’t drive until I was 35, and from when I was 19 up until I was 30 odd I lived with people who were either non drivers or didn’t keep a car. There wasn’t anyone to give me lifts places. I didn’t really have the cash to learn until I was 33 or so. I lived in big cities. I am a public transport route planning ninja :) it was really, really easy to live without a car. I sometimes think the greatest thing about driving is being able to get to out of town hardware stores, and being able to get to ikea. Oh and traversing any city east to west, because apparently all public transport systems don’t believe anyone would want to do anything other than north to south! Unlike my partner, I don’t need to get to random places at unsociable hours. It’s not hard.

My DH didn't drive when we had our DD. Typically, I needed to go to hospital in labour at about 3am early hours of Sunday morning, peak time for taxis being busy taking home late night revellers. DH walked to the nearest main road and flagged down a black cab, driven by a very sympathetic woman. It was all good. He learned to drive when DD was about 3. I drive. I love driving but, at the time, we lived in a big city and DH used public transport with no issues. For a while I had a car but only used it at weekends as the public transport was so easy and the parking in city centre so expensive that I stuck to getting the bus. DH only learned to drive as we were planning to move more rurally.

The point you made there @upsy1981 is your husband walked out to a main road and flagged down a taxi.. if my husband did ghost he would still be there in March.. there’s no taxis, buses or trains. But yes, if we still had our flat in London neither of us would drive.

@genever.. what’s weird and disturbing where I live is the fact you don’t drive (for the safety of your family and children). Look, FFS, come to my place and have a medical emergency at 3.00am.. you’d do it once and then be begging to drive..