Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

teetgood I get THAT, as I said fear, financial and as you pointed out good PT services.
But when people (not in the above) are constantly relying on others, to me, it sucks. Did you have children before you were 35? Did you have to hop on a bus or train to get to an emergency appointment for your child for example? Perhaps there are people that can afford to wait and pay for a cab... or call someone to take them there. Maybe it’s just me but I like the independence and not putting people out - especially with a young family. I think it all depends on what situation you’re in. In the OPs situation and knowing how difficult life can be as a new Mum, it would be nice to have a partner you could rely on in time of need, and pronto!

Yanbu OP if he is just being lazy and can't be bothered. I wonder though if he secretly has a fear about it.

I have a real fear about driving. I have done since I first learnt at 17. Initially I was excited about learning and just assumed I would pick it up naturally, but I didn't. I was bad at it. I started to dread my instructor turning up for each lesson. I was relieved to stop when the money ran out and I couldn't afford any more. I restarted again in my 30s and again, hated it and was a nervous learner. I found my reactions were slow and I struggled to cope with dealing with many things all at the same time. It caused me great anxiety, but after an enormous amount of lessons, I did finally pass eventually. I was kindly given a car and did some driving but found there were alot of problems with the car. I was having to spend alot of money getting it fixed which I could hardly afford. I didn't like driving and had some panic attacks. I was always relieved to get back home. I didn't drive anywhere far. In the end I had the car scrapped when more things started going wrong with it. I didn't drive anymore after that apart from about 4 occasions. I just got around by bus, train and taxi or walking. I managed fine without having to drive.

I met my current dp who does drive and has often put pressure on me to drive which I've resisted mostly apart from the said 4 occasions. Driving causes me great anxiety to the point it is a phobia now. We moved to a rural area and at the time I had a moment of braveness where I said I would push myself into driving again. However it's not really happened and has caused arguments. I feel pressured into driving again and I don't know what I will do if I just can't manage it

@maggies41 I didn’t have kids, but emergency appointments etc yes I’d get a cab. In op’s situation it’s quite different I think: from what I gather they live in a place where her partner is reliant on her for lifts. Not great and I can see why she’s frustrated, I just don’t think that the solution she wants will materialise on the timescale she likes.

I’ve got the opposite situation where throughout my pregnancy I’ve preferred to commute by public transport, and my partner keeps asking if I want a lift :) Or I say I’m going to take the 15 min walk to the supermarket and he wonders why I don’t drive there...

Ok missing the point completely, but my Husband can't drive and I had to get someone else to take me to the hospital to have both of my babies, why is it humiliating?

'I don’t understand why people don’t drive.'

No, you clearly don't. That doesn't mean they are wrong not to, though. As I've said on driving threads before, children breathe the most polluted air when sitting inside a car in traffic- it's worse than if they were walking alongside the same traffic. That's reason enough for me. I realise I'm lucky to live somewhere that I can walk to my 3DS's schools and shops, jump on a bus to work, get trains and tubes elsewhere. That said, there are many in my position who claim they 'can't live without a car'....or two....

YANBU in wanting him to drive and trying to get him to, but he clearly doesn’t intend to and you are probably going to have to accept that. Recommend you let it go as it is something you cannot change and will just continually frustrate you if you keep thinking about it. Arrange a friend to take you to hospital or ring a taxi when you need it. Don’t feel humiliated by this, if anyone should be embarrassed it is him, not you. Avoid giving him lifts so much. Just say no/ don’t feel like driving and let him walk/bus/ taxi as he would have to if you weren’t there. If nothing else, he will appreciate you a bit more.

Shocked my some of these responses. You are being very reasonable. I would've lost patience years ago. It's extremely unfair to leave you to do all the driving. You are both adults in this relationship and you don't want to be the only partner ferrying kids around when they're older. He's being very selfish. I don't have any advice for getting him to do it, I'm afraid but just want you to know you're in the right!

gabsalot its not weird for an adult man not to drive, it's weird for an adult of either sex not to drive full stop.

Maireadplastic genuinely curious, what is sad about the fact I couldn't wait to drive and gain my independence?

Marymoosmum there was nothing humiliating about someone have to give you a lift on both occasions but it might have been a bit annoying for the person who had to drive you because your OH chooses not to.**

Yanbu in the slightest

Regardless of your dc on the way it would be a bit of a deal breaker for me.

I'm shallow

The bottom line is... it depends where you live. If your DH can walk out the door at 3am and hail a taxi because you're in labour, good on you, for very many of the population that is just not the case and it's no good saying move somewhere you can, for the majority that is impossible.

As much as Genever finds it weird that driving is such a big deal, I equally find it weird that driving is not! My life as I know it would've been totally different along with my DH. He and I would not have been able to do the jobs we did, we could not have lived where we have done and now do and life and we would have missed out on a lot. We drive round different parts of Europe every year, what opportunities we would've missed and no sorry public transport would not have cut it. We've stayed in far flung places not served by public transport, we've experienced things we could not have done without driving.

The advantages far far outweigh the disadvantages and all of my DCs passed their tests at 17 and even though 2 of them don't use cars at the moment because of where they live, they have that life skill for the future. In fact one of the DCs is driving in South America at the moment!

As an aside Rousette - i'm terrified of my DC driving at 17. There are so many accidents where young people round here crash and tho they are only small (one in particular) ds1 is not a sensible child and i get the terrors just thinking of him looking about in a car.

I totally agree with that MrsK... my heart is in my mouth sometimes even now when they drive, but I suppose it's just another worry I contend with... it never goes away whatever age they are!

You're very brave,i'd be a nervous wreck. If i find the thought of me driving bad, the thought of them driving is a thousand times worse - Yet another reason to NEVER live in the country! You can almost see our local station from our house and that's the way i like it. I think i need a hot sweet tea just thinking about it

Don't blame you MrsK ! The worst bit is taking them out while they're learning. 20mph felt like 70mph, and cars that are a foot away to me was like a millimetre, I'm glad I'm through that forever!

Well put Rousette . If you live in a rural or semi rural area where a car is required then it's is not acceptable to leave this to your spouse because you are 'scared' 'stressed' or 'anxious'. (Unless these are actual verified medical conditions - self diagnosis does not cut it.) Sadly in life we all have to do things we don't want to but have to grow a fucking backbone and get on with it.

I too would be incandescent if my husband had 'opted out' and it doesn't make it 'ok' that he can jump on a bus. The reality is that it doesn't happen. If YOU drive and there is a car in the drive - would you feel fine about sending DH out in the rain and cold in November to pick DS up from cubs/scouts/sports club ? No you wouldn't, you would get in the car and go and get them. It will ALWAYS default to you to pick up kids, pop out for forgotten items, give child's friends lifts Home.

I am fucked off enough with 20 yr old DS not getting his act together (guess what he's got for Xmas ?) when his sister and step brother had passed by 18. and can now help by ferrying younger ones around. Divorce would definitely be on the cards if I had a spouse who thought it was ok to dump it all on me.

When we moved to our current rural location with two very small children, it became rapidly apparent that I could not manage without a car. At that time I had not driven for 5 years following a very small accident which had rattled me (immediately after passing test!). We had lived in cities so bus and walking were fine.
In your situation I would stress that while life without a partner who drives is annoying, its not vital. Maybe line up a neighbour or friend as labour driver, or figure out the best taxi.

LemonShark, I live in a borough of London that has the worst air pollution in the country. Children are badly affected and a good friend's child died of chronic asthma which has been linked to this. She started a charity to raise funds for children's activities in hospital, research into the connection between asthma (and other lung conditions) and pollution, as well as raising awareness is schools and other institutions on how asthma should be correctly treated. I help her raise funds through my work.
It is hard to marry the health implications of pollution caused by driving with people's so-called independence. So yes, it saddens me, particularly when this 'independence' is often unnecessary.

Maybe he gets annoyed because he is taking lessons in secret to surprise you? Or he’s taken his test in secret and failed?! Just wait a while before mentioning it and you might get a surprise 🙂

You are not being a nag.
He’s either very lazy or more likely scared and too embarrassed to admit it.
Either way he needs to do it NOW. If not you will probably be driving him around for ever. Not to mention you will be driving the children everywhere 100% of the time. You will be driving to get the shopping. You will be driving to go on holidays. You will be driving to see his family. You will be an unpaid taxi service. Not a partnership.
It is great that you have a lovely relationship but eventually you will be fed up that you are carrying the load. I wonder if you look closely at your relationship if he actually pulls his weight as it is.
Show him these comments. And good luck. You’re going to need it

Ah I see Maireadplastic. I'm very sorry for your friend's loss of her child :( that's awful.

I agree pollution is a massive issue that needs tackling from a number of angles. Research into and more accessible prices for lower emission and electric cars. I think it's fair to say however that in this country it's incredibly unlikely we're ever going to go backwards to non car ownership though, it's part of our culture and inescapably necessary for a lot of people's lives. My honorary nephew is 15 this coming year and can't wait to start driving, his parents aren't well off due to health problems so I've started saving now to be able to give him a decent block of lessons for his 17th. As far as I'm concerned I can understand why some older people don't drive (my mum died at 57 and she never learned) as it wasn't always the norm in their youth nor as accessible as it is now. But for younger generations it's simply necessary unless you want your life to be limited and reliant on others. The OP isn't in a zero car household, they already have a car and only she is bothering to be able to use it so it's essential her husband gets his license asap!

I’d say Back right off. There is obviously some reason why he doesn’t feel able to do this. Try and find out.
Don’t buy him lessons for a present. I think that’s actually quite nasty. Imagine if he thought you should pull your weight more in the kitchen and he bought you a microwave.Your Christmas present should be for the other 99.9% of him that is lovely.
Also, I wouldn’t want to be driven to hospital in labour, or have my baby driven anywhere, by a reluctant, pressured, inexperienced driver.

Not everyone wants to drive, regardless of what they say. XH used to say he would take his test blah blah, he had driven before when he lived abroad, but he just didn't want to. I like to drive, so it was no big deal to me and I would have hated to have him drive my car. I loathe handing it over to mechanic, if it comes right down to it. Driving is not a necessity unless you choose to live in the back of beyond with no public transport. A car is a privilege, not a right. Back off and leave him alone. If he hadn't learned in 12 years, he isn't going to.