Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

I could have written this post!! Took my DH 15 years of not driving to finally pass his test a couple of months ago! I heard every excuse in the book and the most annoying thing is, HE wishes he'd done it years ago!
Maybe after the baby is born he'll realise how much more driving is needed.... hang in there :)

Have you ever hear a non-driver who finally became a driver not say 'oh my god why didn't I do this sooner'. People don't realise how much it improves logistics and saves time until they drive.

Strange grammar, but you know what I mean.

oh my god why didn't I do this sooner

I am a former non-driver and I’ve never said this^^! I’m a bit weird though...

I hate driving and I hate privately owned cars. If I ruled the world, only people who really couldn’t use public transport, (even if excellent public transport was easily available to them), plus professional drivers, (delivery drivers, taxis, buses etc), would be allowed on the roads.

I begrudgingly learnt after moving from a big city to a rural(ish) town. If public transport and pavements were better here, I would never have learnt. There are plenty of cars on the road as it is. It’s hard to get parked or even to drive through the town in many places round here, because everyone drives, because public transport is so pants they feel as if they have to! There’s more to life than my own personal convenience and I’d rather have decent public transport than a car, if I had the option. I imagine a lot of drivers feel the same.

Exactly.

People who don't drive only have the one perspective - that of a non-driver.

Whereas all drivers have experience of both, and know exactly how limiting not being able to drive is.

No matter how much some some people might try to assert that being limited to your immediate community makes you inherently fascinating - compared with being a driver, which makes you just so 'mundane'.

Sorry, couldn't resist a quick dig @ the anti-mundanes ...

@thedowagercuntess

What a silly and patronising post you just made.

Yours,
A Driver

I was a non driver for 30 years and there are some inevitable benefits when you have no choice, you do walk/cycle much more. You spend more time with local people and you have to learn to plan. Certainly using public transport abroad you'd I experience the local culture/ community more.
I also felt I experienced the event a lot more when I was a non driver.

re. the Australian aspect - I also live in non-city Australia, but I have one friend who does not drive. This is due to her dyspraxia, dyscalculia, dyslexia and terrible travel sickness when she does travel in cars.
She has never taken a driving lesson because her dyspraxia is bad enough that she feels she would be a menace to other road users. She might be right - but whether she is or not, her anxiety around driving precludes her from ever attempting to learn.
She doesn't ask for lifts either because she really doesn't like being in cars much at all. Her DH does drive, though.

*elements

I'm totally with you OP. I am quite petty but I would only drive him places I wanted to go to. The bottom line for me is he can't be arsed to do something which would benefit you and in fact his soon to be new family a lot. Which to me shows a lack of care for you as he is happy to inconvenience you.

I know plenty of people take taxis but I would personally hate that, especially since there may be no taxis available. Also once the baby has arrived. Let's say you're out or something and the baby is poorly and needs to go to hospital. He'll have to wait for a taxi when it would be quicker to go straight there.

Yes there may be underlying reasons for him not wanting to but I really feel he would have told you them by now if he trusts and respects you. It just smacks of being selfish and lazy.

What's he going to do when the baby is born?

Like, how is he going to get to from work?
How is he going to do the shop?
How is he going to dash out to get breast pads when you run out?

If you intend on breastfeeding (well, even if not) you'll be likely stuck at home or trying to get a nap in between feeds/changes and won't have time to facilitate his life.

How's he going to contribute to your family life then? How much less efficient will he be because he doesn't drive?

I really like the idea of taking a practice week to try and see what life will be like before the baby comes. Hopefully it will motivate him.

I was in a similar position. I think years of non-driving had made DH completely accustomed to being the passenger, never the driver, and it's especially easy to minimize the effects when you don't need the car daily: oh, it's not a big deal, Tsundoku only drives when we go to visit family in the west country... and to the big supermarket... and to weddings... and IKEA... and on holiday in the States... and to visit friends who live in villages... and to farm parks and garden centres and stately homes and funerals and whenever there's an emergency.

Apart from those one hundred exceptions, we barely use the car

DH promised to learn before DD was born, but he didn't, and it really did become a point of resentment then. With a young, non-sleeping child, there were definitely times which (in retrospect) I was much too tired to be driving, and we should have shared that burden. It's also the driver who deals with the MOT, insurance, road tax, repairs, maintenance and stands outside on the freezing petrol station forecourt every bloody time. And it was harder to fit in (and pay for) his lessons when the baby came.

When DH finally did pass, it was a huge help, and I know he regrets not getting it done sooner. I get that it's a time-consuming, expensive and daunting project, but I can't believe how many people seem to feel it's the OP's job to coax her partner into sharing his fears and gently support him into getting started (or not). He's a grown man and he's been telling her for years he'll get it done. She's already doing all the family driving, and she's also responsible for her partner's emotional load? Bugger that. If he doesn't want to ever drive, he can say that, and they can work out together how they'll cope. If he is going to learn, he needs to shift from good intentions to actually getting started.

I could never be with someone who doesn’t drive.

My friends boyfriend doesn’t drive, and she forever loading her to 2 young kids into the car to deliver him about and pick him up from work at 11:30. It’s ridiculous.

Have you ever hear a non-driver who finally became a driver not say 'oh my god why didn't I do this sooner'. People don't realise how much it improves logistics and saves time until they drive

Actually i've driven for 2 years now and i think it's totally overrated. I think people put far too much importance on it. I'm not saying it makes my life a little easier but it certainly hasn't been the amazing thing it's described as.

Sharing driving duties is like sharing household chores etc not even negotiable in the 21st century. Can you imagine if you came in here and said I’m pregnant and DH won’t do the hoovering!

DH has never once hoovered or done a household chore. He has never prepared food either. He's fine with doing all the driving.

DH has never once hoovered or done a household chore. He has never prepared food either. He's fine with doing all the driving.

Well, that sounds like a terrible trade-off. You must know that most people wouldn't put up with that (I'm sure you have your individual reasons why you do) and so the general point being made by the pp still stands?

DH has never once hoovered or done a household chore. He has never prepared food either. He's fine with doing all the driving

Seriously...your husband has never done a single household chore?!

Actually i know quite a few people where the husband does no chores. And all the driving.

I'm not saying the OP should be like that, it's obviously up to each individual what they will and wont do. But statements like 'everyone has to drive' and 'no one who has learned to drive hasn't gushed about how amazing it is' etc just aren't true or helpful. I know a few people who learned and still decided it was a waste of time/wasn't life changing.

I think the OPs H should drive and i think the OP should stop driving him. Or think about moving somewhere where they aren't reliant on a car. Once i had a baby there'd be even less chance of me ferrying people about. One of the best things is not getting dressed and curling up with your snuggly baby in the morning as your DH goes off to work.

People who don't drive only have the one perspective - that of a non-driver.

obviously but then you could apply that to just about anything couldn't you.

Whereas all drivers have experience of both, and know exactly how limiting not being able to drive is.
I know exactly how limited I am being a non driver, thanks. Yes it effectively excludes me from certain things, however do I think it's worth the stress and constant expense experienced when I was trying to learn, repeatedly? No for me it's not.

No matter how much some some people might try to assert that being limited to your immediate community makes you inherently fascinating - compared with being a driver, which makes you just so 'mundane'. grin

I'm not restricted to my immediate community, I use public transport. I have shock horror! managed to travel within Britain, and abroad, and always got myself and when she came along, my DD to stations and airports and seaports. I don't holiday now for more than a few days in summer for different reasons, but it's certainly not because I can't drive. I use the resources available to me, a car isn't one of them. I don't sit at home all the time and expect driver friends and relatives to ferry me about, I take responsibility for my own travel and deal with it. I'm often out shopping by myself - I've not ordered one thing online this year.

I also have 2 legs, and I walk where I can and it's appropriate. I know drivers that will drive half a mile just because they have a car. IMO that's lazy.

I do agree though that some people who don't drive do take the piss, and expect, and the OPs OH may or may not be one of those. If he is then withdrawal of taxi services should give him the incentive he needs! If he's not then he'll start taking responsibility for his own travel.
If he is just being lazy then the driving isn't really the issue I'd say, the issue is him taking his partner for granted and that will filter through the whole relationship.

no worries about traffic or sickness, no faffing with car seats

Surely you still had all those worries because you were on the road? I suffer badly with car sickness, although never when I'm the one driving (I've heard this is really common) especially on buses. If you have a baby/young child on the bus don't you still have to bring a car seat? What do you do , just sit them on you're knee? I live in a rural area and never took the bus with young children.

Sorry, bad grammar!

I was similar to your partner as only passed my test and got a car last year and I'm 33. What finally forced me to do it was having a baby. I was 7 months pregnant when I passed.

I can't comment on your partners reasons but I found I got really anxious whenever I tried to have a lesson and felt really embarrassed that I was learning in my 30's. I had been learning on and off since I was 19.

Could it be that he just feels a bit stressed about it and doesn't want to lose face so just insists that he's got a plan? Maybe you should try and be a bit more sympathetic.q

I used to lie to people it came up and tell them that I could drive... looking back that was very silly. I shouldn't give a monkeys what people think. Being a driver doesn't make you a better person.

Someone who was driven around by their parents, then passed their test and drove themselves, does not have the perspective of a non-driver - just a passenger and then a driver.

That rather assumes that someone who can drive has never used public transport, which is rather a leap.