Please learn to drive before I go insane

[TeaAndToast85]

Hi everyone, DH and I are expecting DC1 at the end of April. He is 35 and still hasn't learned to drive, and I have started having nightmares about driving myself to hospital (obv wouldn't IRL). We have been together 12 years, and I have been asking him to learn for at least 6 years.

He always says 'yes, of course, I will sort that out' and then the days and weeks go by, and I am still driving us everywhere. He did actually have one lesson a couple of months ago, but then didnt book another one.

I have tried EVERYTHING. Hints, gentle reminders, asking him to book it NOW (yes, I will do it later, get off my case, I just got in from work), losing my shit and screaming at him...I just don't know what to do any more. His latest thing is saying 'don't worry, I have a plan' whenever I bring it up. He always says that he will pass with hardly any lessons, and he is probably right. But I am due to have a baby in 18 weeks, and I know that if someone else has to drive us in, then I will feel really let down by him, and he will feel gutted and a bit humiliated.

It's also important to say that apart from this our relationship is fantastic - he is kind, funny and supportive, and I love him so much.

But - AIBU to want to book lessons for him and say that if he doesn't do them then I will never speak to him again, and will possibly make him sleep in the garage?

I’m a non-driver, I have my reasons. OP’s DH will also have his reason but has probably taken a massive step back from explaining because he’s sick of being nagged and could do with an understanding ear about it all rather than being made to feel pathetic because he’s whatever age and ‘still’ isn’t driving.

My husband drives and to be honest if he took the same approach with me I’d dig my heels in too. As it is, he supports my decision and will continue to do so if/when I change my mind.

Some of the comments on this thread are astonishingly ignorant. It really isn’t that bigger deal.

To the PP that has never and never would take her kids on a bus..... have a grip for me!

The OP cancels plans with friends to ferry him around.

I’m assuming they’re both adults?! She doesn’t have to. She is a grown woman and can just say no. Her DH will have to make his own arrangements which is no great hardship.

I have given up trying to get dh to "learn". He used to live abroad and learned to drive there, but when he returned here he needed to take a UK test and never bothered. He doesn't like driving, I do.
But I wish he would learn just as back up.

of course people take their babies on public transport without car seats! You know some people are having to queue up at food banks in this country? Car ownership isn’t a human right. It’s an enormous privilege which lots of people can’t afford. How do you imagine those people transport their babies about? Buses, tubes and trains don’t have seatbelts or isofix ime, so where would one install one’s car seat?

My DH doesn't drive. I've given up hoping after 25 years! I hate it. The responsibility to be well and able to drive to events, holidays etc is awful.
I had a home birth with DS1 because of this. I got a lift to hospital to have DS2.

I just assumed that buses have seatbelts, like coaches, and you bought a car seat.

When I met my OH he didn't have a car as he didn't need one and couldn't afford one (as a student). But he had his license, and that was very important to me. There are times when you don't need a car, but in my view holding a license and being able to operate a car is a basic essential part of being an adult.

Once he needed a car, he got one. If he hadn't bothered to put the effort into getting his license as a teenager there'd have been a big problem the minute he needed to have a car, in that he'd have had to begin lessons then, which takes time and money. If you say you don't need a car then fair enough, but you never know when one is going to become necessary. Not learning to drive limits you in many ways: some jobs require a license, are you really going to limit your employment opportunities just because you refuse to drive? You might want to move to a different area and be unable to if the public transport is rubbish. You may suddenly find yourself the sole adult in a household and need to be able to get places quickly and efficiently. I sometimes use google maps and am always amazed when I see the difference in how long it takes to get from A to B using public transport rather than your own car: tonight I am travelling 70 miles and back to a concert, in car it'll take around an hour or so, public transport is 2.5 hours with lots of changes and I wouldn't be able to go anyway as it stops by the time I need to be coming home!

It's important to hold a license so that when you do need to drive, you can crack on with getting a car instead of the time delay of starting lessons. IMO unless you can't drive due to health or financial reasons it's foolish not to get your license so it's there when you need it.

He's being incredibly selfish and short sighted to have left it this long OP, but given that you can't control another person or force him to learn I think the only thing you can do is sit him down one last time, explain why you need him to pull his weight and learn and then stop enabling him by ferrying him around. He'll soon realise what a necessity it is to have a car/be able to drive and crack on with it. It's awful in a relationship as the sole driver, as others have pointed out. Everything falls to you non matter how much you might want to chill or have a drink or feel unwell or are exhausted, while the non driver gets the lovely luxury of being taken everywhere!

It's fascinating how on this thread every non driver has insisted they don't accept or ask for lifts, yet every driver has had experience of that being the expectation. The point is when you're in a relationship every single time you drive him around he gets the benefits of car ownership without putting in any effort to repay the favour by learning. It's not some impossibly difficult magical thing, you just book in some lessons, go for it. Millions of people manage it. Millions of people get nervous when they start to learn and get past it.

It surprises me when I meet an adult who doesn't drive and can afford it/has no health barriers. I couldn't wait to gain the independence of being a driver. Until you learn you just don't realise how much easier life really is being in charge of your own time and movement and not relying on someone else (the relative, the bus driver, taxi company) to get from A to B. But I've noticed on this board at least a lot of people react really strongly to anyone who has the view that it's selfish not to learn and to allow it to fall to the other person all the time. If it was anything else (chores, cooking, whatever) people would soon recognise that one party is coasting and taking advantage...

KennDodd Buses don't have seat belts, unless it's something like a megabus!

Is it really such a far fetched idea that you are strapped in to a moving vehicle?

No not at all, I don't know why buses don't have seat belts tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am very much enjoying the bus diversion. Although I think you said you lived rurally @kenndodd, so I understand if you’ve never actually managed to catch one of those unicorn creatures.

Buses don't have seat belts for quite a few reasons, but mostly they are heavy and slow-moving so in the event of a crash it's unlikely you'd get the rapid deceleration that makes a seatbelt vital. I think the seats are also designed in a particular way to protect in a crash. Coaches which go at high speeds along motorways do have seat belts.

I don’t drive, and don’t intend to ever take my test. I’ve had lessons, I can in theory drive, I know how are car works and I passed the theory test, I can even change a car tire and use jump leads and put petrol in a car. I loathe driving, I hate being behind the wheel of a car and coping with driving and everything around me on the road. I’m 41, and it’s rarely been an issue. My children have used public transport since they were tiny babies, and we manage. If I need to get somewhere by car and my dh isn’t around, I call a taxi (rare) or I figure a way.

Your husband doesn’t want to learn to drive. He probably has a reason but because people are so rude and dismissive of those of us who don’t want to or don’t like driving, he probably won’t say so. If you are worried about getting to hospital to give birth then you’ve got a while, to plan to either organise someone to help take you, or find a local cab company that will, and also to get you home. It’s not that big a deal, unless you live two hours away from the hospital or something.
I bet if you sat him down and calmly explained your worries and ask him about it without getting angry and explain why you’d like him to learn, but then are prepared to listen to why he hasn’t/doesn’t want to, you may find he will talk to you about it!

'I couldn't wait to gain the independence of being a driver.'

I find this a bit sad. But then I live in a city. Independence is NOT being in a car here!

Have you ever thought that he maybe worried about driving not everyone can do it and the thought of being in control of something that can kill people stops some people from doing lessons

YANU but would def get a cab to hospital. Do you really want to find a parking space/ walk from car park etc.

MadCats - very few drivers actually enjoy driving. Most people find being a passenger far more relaxing way to travel than being the driver. It is hard work to always concentrate and have to focus.

Obviously you have found a way that works for you, but it is worth remembering that whenever someone else is driving you somewhere, they aren't having a different experience than you had when you tried driving. (Other than being able to drive without having to think about how to change gear etc but that just comes with experience for everyone, and would have with you if you'd stuck at it)

There is no point in forcing him to do it if he really doesn't want to. So what? If your relationship is perfect in every other way stop stressing him. You are being over the top!

Is it possible he feels he wouldn't be a safe driver?

I've never learnt to drive - in my fifties now - and for 20 years dh and I didn't have a car. Now we do (dh needs for work) and of course there are advantages but on the whole we've managed fine without. Our dcs have always been happy to take public transport or walk. When I went into labour we called a cab.

I wont learn now because if I'm honest I don't think I would be safe -
I'm quite a nervous passenger. Realising this my dh and dcs don't press me.

Normally I'd say you can't force someone to learn to drive, but the partner's reaction here is so odd, saying he will learn for years and not getting around to it.

When I met my husband neither of us could drive, nor had much money. He learned first in his late twenties. I didn't learn until after I had my son, my husband was away, DS was ill, and I realised I had no way to get him to out of hours in the middle of the night. I learned in my thirties - it's perfectly possible.

You don't have to drive when you have kids, but it really helps sometimes. I'd be fed up with the lies if I was OP, more than anything else.

YRNBU
I am surprised anyone would not want to drive, surely everyone needs to drive at some point in their lives and it’s a necessity to learn (IMO) else you are relying on other people to ferry you around, which is what your partner is doing.

Are you going to have to spend the rest of ur life taxi-ing around him and also child to play dates/activities?

He needs to suck up whatever is putting him off learning and learn imo. Personally I’d keep on at him. And yes book him lessons, given can afford them etc xx

KennDodd most children up to the age of about three will be in their pram or pushchair on the bus. In a London bus it’s allowed for 2 or 3 pushchairs to park in the wheelchair area unless a wheelchair user needs it (in which case you must get off the bus or fold your buggy to make way for them). It’s perfectly legal to sit with a child on your knee but most people tend to prefer to keep younger ones in the buggy. It can be a bit dispiriting at busy times when several buses in succession have all the buggy space taken up so you have to wait for the next one.

Just passed my test. Finally.
Always wanted to drive. But I must say my dh constant nagging and going on about how long it was taking me just made me feel pressured, to the point of it ended up talking me 6 years to pass my test as I kept stopping And starting lessons. It was only when I was so sick of public transport that I decided I needed to do it for ME, my sanity and my kids. Ignored him and passed in my own time. Quit nagging, you will make it worse.

Wait, what? Your husband has NEVER done a household chore @mrskoala. This is far more interesting! Never? Please tell me more, and I'm not judging, genuinely intrigued.

My mind is working overtime. Do you have 'staff'? Have you never been away for the night/a weekend/unwell/too tired to lift a finger What about on your birthday, does he not do the dishes?

I don't believe you! Unless you are 90 and very old school and then I might.

Are you the poster who had the small Korean lady in your garden?

@MrsKoala I meant