Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to hate the *adults don't need presents* brigade?

304 replies

Travis1 · 19/12/2017 09:32

Just that really? Hates probably a strong word but seriously dislike. Keep seeing it spouted on here continually but if adults don't need presents then on Christmas morning it's just me, DH and the cats staring at each other. When everyone else is out shopping for their little darlings barren old me will have 2 nieces and 1 nephew to buy for. Nothing else.

TTC 8 years so if it's not bad enough that I can't actually have kids now I can't have presents either? Feck off!

Why do people want to make others feel guilty for wanting to exchange gifts with the ones they love and to celebrate? Why shouldn't I buy my DH nice things and vice versa? Why shouldn't I buy MIL her favourite perfume that she wouldn't normally buy herself because of cost? Or my aunt tickets to a singer she's desperate to see?

Is it just martyrdom? Do these people actually not buy for anyone other than the children?!

This has given me inexplicable rage this morning Grin

OP posts:
greenhairymonster · 19/12/2017 23:16

here you are going wrong is equating presents with fun. For me presents received are things I don't want, because if I did want them, I'd have bought them for myself already. And fulfilling the social obligation to give is utter torture. I hate shopping, I have no idea what to get, and if I fail to find something good, which I invariably do, I've made myself feel shit, without even benefiting someone else much in the process.

happymummy12345 · 19/12/2017 23:21

I don't think it's a case of adults needing presents.
I think if you can afford it then go for it. But if not it's more important that children have something to open than adults.

greenhairymonster · 19/12/2017 23:25

I think often if you can afford it, you have everything you want/need anyway.

ShotsFired · 20/12/2017 06:59

@OuchBollocks That means you don't need presents Bonnie. Please do not presume to speak for the rest of us who look forward to a little treat or bit of luxury once a year. I do not accept that that makes me an appallingly greedy consumerist.

Nor does it mean that present = expensive thing from shop!

For crying out loud why do so many people on this thread seem to think that a gift is only worthwhile if you have had to sell a kidney to get it?

Some of the most precious things I have received were those given with true friendship or love behind them and a negligible £cost. For a lovely friend's big birthday next year I am making her a "365 reasons why you are fab" jar. It'll cost me some paper and a jar.

(If the reaction is anything like a personalised gift I made her for a special wedding anniversary, then I'll be giving her tissues to mop up some tears too (happy ones!).)

You can buy that sort of thing on NOTHS for £40, £50 or more, but it's not quite as personal, which is far more valuable to me.

I despair of people who only things something is valuable if it comes with a massive price tag or you get into debt for it.

greenhairymonster · 20/12/2017 08:00

ShotsFired Of course it's lovely for you and your friend if you like that kind of thing but unfortunately I know plenty of people who would think a gift that didn't cost anything more than time was cheapskate, especially if they have spent money on you. I make my kids sweets and wrap them up nicely - they really love that - it truly means something to them but they still want the other big pile of gifts.

NataliaOsipova · 20/12/2017 08:06

For me presents received are things I don't want, because if I did want them, I'd have bought them for myself already. And fulfilling the social obligation to give is utter torture. I hate shopping, I have no idea what to get, and if I fail to find something good, which I invariably do, I've made myself feel shit, without even benefiting someone else much in the process.

I agree too; very good way of putting it. People forget that present giving is nearly always reciprocal; you tend to spend the same amount on someone as they spend on you. You just don't necessarily get what you'd both have chosen if you'd bought your own things.....

ShotsFired · 20/12/2017 08:13

@greenhairymonster unfortunately I know plenty of people who would think a gift that didn't cost anything more than time was cheapskate, especially if they have spent money on you.

Sad That's awful. I think your home made sweets sound lovely and those people sound not very pleasant.

ferntwist · 20/12/2017 08:15

One of the benefits of being child free, that you and DH can spoil each other rotten. Fun to shop for surprises and fun to receive surprises at any age. Enjoy your Christmas morning together!

Whereisthegin1978 · 20/12/2017 08:24

There are now quite a few children in our family so as parents we made the decision not to buy for each other. This is my sister and husband plus husbands siblings and partners. It can get so expensive BUT we still buy for the other adults in the family or friends who may be visiting at Christmas.

my2bundles · 20/12/2017 08:33

Each family unit within a larger family has to do what's best for them. My son is a keen musician, Ive concentrated on making sure he has the equipment and new instrument he needs. This dosent leave any spare for adults within the larger family as his needs are my priority, he wants to make a career with music and take it at GCSEs . Thankfully they are understanding of that.

greenhairymonster · 20/12/2017 08:41

One of the benefits of being child free, that you and DH can spoil each other rotten. Fun to shop for surprises and fun to receive surprises at any age. Enjoy your Christmas morning together!

That does sound like fun, buying gifts for someone you know well - but dragging yourself around the shops looking for presents for 32 adults and kids you barely know is not fun, it's painful and there's no thought just obligation and the determination to get it over and done with and never to do it again.

Eolian · 20/12/2017 08:43

YANBU. Besides which, I don't think that this 'It's all for the kids" attitude is that great for the kids either. It's good for kids to see the adults in their lives do nice things for each other and get some frivolous and 'unnecessary' pleasure out of life.

Fireandflames666 · 20/12/2017 08:45

I love giving and receiving presents, It brings joy to everybody involves. Christmas is about everyone, not just children.

Although some people only buy for children to cut costs if they're struggling.

MumOnAMission33 · 20/12/2017 09:03

I think it's simply another case of, what works for one family, might not work for another.

If you're really struggling with buying for everyone else, then I can completely understand why you'd just have an agreement to take the pressure off. For me though, I would still want to buy my DP something, even if it was a £5 gift, just a token or a gesture. My parents don't buy each other anything anymore and I think it's so sad. They can afford to, but just decided it was too much hassle. The really annoying thing is, my mum would be over the moon if my dad secretly bought her something, but he isn't particularly romantic and wouldn't pick up on the signals.

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 09:25

MumOnAMission33 Aww that's a shame why don't you give your dad a rip off this year and persuade him to get your Mam something with your help? Xmas Smile

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 09:25

tip off that should say!!

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 09:26

And mum, you said mum *

ScipioAfricanus · 20/12/2017 09:43

I can understand that people want to buy for children only if they’re struggling, but ideally I think each family unit should receive a present, as those families get the joy of seeing their children open a present and be pleased (which is really what its all about). So I would give a present to a married couple who didn’t have kids but maybe just presents to the kids of the others.

greenhairymonster · 20/12/2017 10:03

Is it all about presents? I think that's the bit I hate most...Isn't this excess gifting is a modern phenomenon fuelled by the retail sector - Dad talks about the joy of finding an apple in his stocking on Christmas morning - there was no exchange of presents between families - Mil says the same.

Intercom · 20/12/2017 10:10

I know those weren't your words Emily, I was agreeing with you 🙂

Ontopofthesunset · 20/12/2017 10:17

I love giving and receiving presents, It brings joy to everybody involves

That's where we differ. I find no 'joy' in trawling online retailers or trudging round shops to fulfil specific requests or worrying that the presents I've got are boring or not good enough. I find no 'joy' in receiving things that people I don't know really well would give me.

I did enjoy buying and giving presents to my children when they were small, and I did enjoy receiving them when I was a child and very young adult and when I was first in love.

So I don't begrudge any adults exchanging presents if that's what they want to do and if it brings them happiness, but I don't see why I should be accused of being miserable because presents aren't important to me.

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 10:37

I think the accusing people of being miserable 'brigade' are as bad as the insulting adults for receiving them one! Pot calling kettle...

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 10:38

Who cares what people thing? Just enjoy doing what you do.

PasstheStarmix · 20/12/2017 10:38

k

specialsubject · 20/12/2017 20:54

Still lots of threads with people bemoaning the boring chore of buying useless tat for adults that have no need of it.

All so stupid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread