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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hate the *adults don't need presents* brigade?

304 replies

Travis1 · 19/12/2017 09:32

Just that really? Hates probably a strong word but seriously dislike. Keep seeing it spouted on here continually but if adults don't need presents then on Christmas morning it's just me, DH and the cats staring at each other. When everyone else is out shopping for their little darlings barren old me will have 2 nieces and 1 nephew to buy for. Nothing else.

TTC 8 years so if it's not bad enough that I can't actually have kids now I can't have presents either? Feck off!

Why do people want to make others feel guilty for wanting to exchange gifts with the ones they love and to celebrate? Why shouldn't I buy my DH nice things and vice versa? Why shouldn't I buy MIL her favourite perfume that she wouldn't normally buy herself because of cost? Or my aunt tickets to a singer she's desperate to see?

Is it just martyrdom? Do these people actually not buy for anyone other than the children?!

This has given me inexplicable rage this morning Grin

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 19/12/2017 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Passmethecrisps · 19/12/2017 09:50

And yes the point about shelling out on lots of children only to receive nothing yourself is a good one.

My brother is extremely generous to his nephew and two nieces. Therefore we probably spend more on him than on any other adult. It seems fair to us really.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:51

Aswell I personally am absolutely not bothered about presents for me as long as my son has gifts I couldn't care.dh likes a gift. We're all different. I actually tell people not to buy for me. Maybe I'm not 'the norm' I don't know. Present for me don't make Christmas. I like a nice dinner, enjoyable food and good company. It's all about the company for me not the gifts.

AliPfefferman · 19/12/2017 09:51

I’m sorry you are dealing with infertility. It’s awful. I hope 2018 is better for you.

As far as presents, it’s not that I don’t want them — I love presents from my close family. They always get me nice things that I enjoy, and I love shopping for them as well. But I’m very happy to do adults only with my DH’s family as there are millions of them and I never know what to buy. Everyone is on a different budget and it ends up being really stressful and burdensome in the weeks leading up to Christmas. A lot of useless tat is exchanged, and we always end up feeling like we either spent too much or didn’t spend enough. So this year, adults only. Kids love tat and they’re easy to shop for, so it’s much easier!

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:51

/s*

crunchymint · 19/12/2017 09:51

Adults don't NEED presents. So if money is tight, it makes sense to cut back here. But there are lots of things we don't need that are fun.

Personally I find the older I get the less bothered about presents I am. I have enough stuff, and the things I would actually like are almost impossible to buy i.e. a wardrobe of clothes that don't need ironing and make me look elegant and slimmer.

AnnabelleLecter · 19/12/2017 09:53

I think people with large families object to having to buy mountains of presents so it can be a relief to just shop for DC.
Also adults in the extended family that send out lists of expensive gift ideas for themselves. We do buy for childless adults that buy for our DC.
Between spouses of course you're not bu. Do what makes you happy.

gamerwidow · 19/12/2017 09:56

If money’s short it makes sense to only buy for the kids. Presents are nice as an adult but not as important as when you were little.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:56

I feel why should me and dh waste money for example buying loads for relatives who have everything and taking away from our ds who needs everything! We go without ourselves whilst these relatives have a very good life throughout the year compared to us as it's a fact when you don't have kids you have more disposable cash. At the same time it was out decisions to have children and it's not anybody's duty to pay for them. I just think spend what you can afford and you shouldn't expect the same level back.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 19/12/2017 09:56

I don't want anything this year. We have to much so save up for...a mortgage rtf xx

BlackBetha · 19/12/2017 09:57

I don't think anyone's saying that you and your husband mustn't/shouldn't exchange gifts if you both want to - or are they? DH and I don't do Christmas presents for each other, as neither of us is bothered about them, but it makes no difference to us what other couples do.

I know Christmas can be a difficult time of year when you don't/can't have children (we are in the same boat). Do whatever works for you and never mind people ranting on here :).

SipTheCocaCola · 19/12/2017 09:59

In my home there's my parents, myself 21 DB 18. If there wasn't mass gift giving there'd be outrage. Then we go to my nans in the afternoon (All adults) for more adult gift giving. So don't worry op!

HRTpatch · 19/12/2017 10:00

My dp and I have had an early Xmas as we live 250 miles apart. We are late 50s and bought each other lots of gifts....but thoughtful ones. Remembering things the other person has mentioned throughout the year.
You can keep your Boots 3 for 2 stuff.

SemolinaSilkpaws · 19/12/2017 10:00

I enjoy buying and wrapping presents for both children and adults and love receiving something back.

PPs are lucky if they come from large extended families. I don’t and as older relations and my parents have passed away the number of little token gifts I have received has diminished. Believe me if it isn’t shit enough to lose your much loved parents the final straw would be not having a little something to open on Christmas Day.

LearnFromThePast · 19/12/2017 10:01

We are infertile so I know what you mean. I have seen people on here saying Christmas is just for kids and that adults buying for each other, especially partners is silly.

I love buying presents and my husband and I do spoil each other because we don’t tend to spend a lot on ourselves through the year.

I don’t think OP meant people who can’t afford to buy presents or who are trying to minimise costs, or even those who don’t exchange presents because they don’t see the point. It is those who think any adults exchanging gifts are silly, which is something I have seen on here too

Somethingselfdeprecating · 19/12/2017 10:01

YANBU. IMHO we should be able to give a gift to whomever we wish and certainly not feel guilty about it.
Exchanging gifts is all part of the fun, what I object to is buying presents because we feel we have to or spending money for the sake of it even if we can't afford it. Going into debt and not able to pay the January credit card bill detracts from the spirit of the season somewhat!Sad
Dh and I were ttc for a long time and Christmas did lose it's magic a little bit.
Flowers for you op. Without sounding trite I hope you manage tc soon. FWIW we stopped trying and were busy in the process of putting our house on the market when I found out I was pregnant!Shock

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2017 10:03

I think everyone should do what works for them. Sometimes it seems to get tricky when there's a large-ish family where a majority are at one end of the no presents/token gifts only scale and others like mountains of gifts to open on Christmas morning - especially when there is a big disparity in disposal income.

But there's also a certain amount of competitive martyrdom on MN when it comes to presents - all this 'But I don't need anything and therefore I am a more elevated being than that 'sad grabby bitch' who would actually quite like a box of chocs to unwrap when she's bought gifts for everyone else's DC and done all the cooking...'

thecatsthecats · 19/12/2017 10:03

Whenever I see that trotted out I always think that as an adult and especially at the moment, I live a damn hard life. Yet it's kids who do nothing but play all day who need the presents apparently! Fuck that!

(light-hearted - but yeah, I've had a rough year and a pretty much permanent migraine. Noway does some cherished 3 year old without a job or a mortgage need a present more, lol)

MNHQ
HebenotafraidMumsnet · 19/12/2017 10:03

I have actually just started buying presents for a few grown-up friends again instead of their kids .

We used to buy for each other and all stopped as we had children and bought for the kids instead, but realised in the last year or so that the kids have LOADS of presents. It was actually becoming hard to buy for them in case they already had said thing, and was costing us all a fortune. But grown-up women don't seem to get that many presents. So we've sacked off buying for the kids and buy for each other again instead!

Probably horribly selfish but I'm really looking forward to those two or three gifts! Always a surprise, always something nice and always something I'd never bother to buy for myself. Hurrah for grown-up presents!

Intercom · 19/12/2017 10:04

Starmix I wouldn't call it a "luxury" for the OP and her DH to be able to "splash out" on each other. The precious gift for them would be to see their own children's faces light up and see their excitement.

AlwaysPondering · 19/12/2017 10:05

It's a cost thing. I've got 7 nephews/nieces plus a good son, my own two DC and some of their friends as their mums have bought my DC gifts! So expensive!

However we do exchange gifts with people who aren't parents. And I still buy for my mum and 19yo brother of course.

Before I had DC my siblings bought for me and DP - it literally stopped once we become parents so I do think it is unfair if you are buying for your family etc. and aren't getting anything back - imo that is quite selfish!

ExConstance · 19/12/2017 10:07

Everyone who is in my house for Christmas not only has a pile of presents that would invoke a lot of criticism on here but also a visit from Father Christmas with a bulging pillowcase full of books, music, clothes and delicious oddments too. I buy for quite a few adults and have a pretty good idea about what will go down well. There are few children in my family as the youngest generation is not yet quite of an age to settle down, giving and receiving presents from people you love is a great joy.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/12/2017 10:08

Yup I like presents... And buying them for others...

HamishBamish · 19/12/2017 10:08

I think if money isn't an issue then of course adults should buy for each other. DH and I always give each other a gift, even if it's something very small. I think it's important for the children to see us doing that. We also help the children choose something to give each other too. Generally our main present is a contribution towards something large which we both need. This year it's a bike rack for the car and last year we both contributed to a romantic weekend away!

louiseaaa · 19/12/2017 10:08

I always make sure our children buy for Adults they receive gifts from. It may on occasions (when we were very skint) have been a token, but I always thought it was polite. For those who gifted ours and were childless themselves, we bought something more thoughtful, or expensive (or both) as they had no reciprocal children to gift.

On occasions where we've been very skint birthday and Christmas gifts have been from the kids (to each other) only.

YMMV .... However it did give me the rage when we were childless and others did that "only for the kids" thing. However I hate being dictated to anyway

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