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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hate the *adults don't need presents* brigade?

304 replies

Travis1 · 19/12/2017 09:32

Just that really? Hates probably a strong word but seriously dislike. Keep seeing it spouted on here continually but if adults don't need presents then on Christmas morning it's just me, DH and the cats staring at each other. When everyone else is out shopping for their little darlings barren old me will have 2 nieces and 1 nephew to buy for. Nothing else.

TTC 8 years so if it's not bad enough that I can't actually have kids now I can't have presents either? Feck off!

Why do people want to make others feel guilty for wanting to exchange gifts with the ones they love and to celebrate? Why shouldn't I buy my DH nice things and vice versa? Why shouldn't I buy MIL her favourite perfume that she wouldn't normally buy herself because of cost? Or my aunt tickets to a singer she's desperate to see?

Is it just martyrdom? Do these people actually not buy for anyone other than the children?!

This has given me inexplicable rage this morning Grin

OP posts:
nigelschristmasham · 19/12/2017 09:34

I need presents and I'm an adult Smile

OuchBollocks · 19/12/2017 09:34

Fuck that. I love presents. I like shopping for presents too. The 'kids only' brigade are either (a) utterly skint, in which case fair enough, or more usually (b) tight as fuck.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2017 09:34

I need presents please

scurryfunge · 19/12/2017 09:35

It's just a solution to people who cannot afford a great deal. If you can afford to buy for everyone then do it.

Passmethecrisps · 19/12/2017 09:35

I presume it is to keep costs down. Dh and I have spent years not buying each other things but buying every other bugger on the planet something so I decided last year that we should join in.

Christmas is a time for giving to whoever you dashed well like.

Gift away op.

ZigZagandDustin · 19/12/2017 09:38

I think you misunderstand the situation. It's a stage in life thing and when you are shelling out for 8 nieces and nephews, regardless of whether you have more yourself to buy for, a lot of adults take the stance that to cut back on the yearly mounting costs, it makes sense to focus resources on the children. I can understand that it seems cruel if you are having fertility problems though so maybe we all need to be more aware of that. In our family we buy just for kids with one Kris Kringle adult gift, but we all have kids bar one couple and they are young/not married/on a very tight budget so are delighted with the set up of kids only.

Just speak to your family but please do understand that it's not that adults don't deserve it want gifts, it's that once you hit your 30's there's suddenly all these kids to buy for and instead of the often hit and miss adult gifts, it makes sense to just focus on the kids in terms of mounting costs.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 19/12/2017 09:39

I think most people that say that ( not all) do so because they woukd maybe have way too many to buy for and the cost goes up.
Sorry i want presents too lol it's a nice but stressful time of yr and it's nice to open something that someone put the time into luke u did for others.
I also dont care if people dont do adults though each to their own

LagunaBubbles · 19/12/2017 09:39

YANBU. It might be to keep costs down for some people which is fair enough but Ive seen too many people on here being rather condescending about it as if its childish and they definitely come across as trying to be superior because they dont "need" presents as an adult compared to others. Me and DH also like passmethecrisps spend years not getting each other anything and now we do.

Candyfloss1122 · 19/12/2017 09:40

I wouldn't say it's a always a solution for people that don't have alot of money, some people just aren't that interested in presents.

Dh and I don't buy each other anything, and it was like this before we had children. I also would not be bothered if nobody else bought us anything either, tbh I could do without all the "what do you want for Xmas messages", as to me a gift should be thought of by the giver, not dictated by the receiver.

I think everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting presents as an adult regardless of whether you have children or not. It either matters to you or it doesn't, there's no right or wrong.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2017 09:41

it makes sense to just focus on the kids in terms of mounting costs.

Sensible for those who have children but for those who don’t its a bit mean to shell out on all these presents and receive absolutely nothing back.

OuchBollocks · 19/12/2017 09:41

It doesn't take much imagination or empathy to think that someone who has nieces or nephews to buy for but no children of their own might like to receive a small token in return though. Or do those of you who are keeping costs down make sure to tell all your adult relatives not to buy for your DC? If you do then you're not the people the OP is on about.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:41

I don't think YABU in your personal situation. You and your DH don't have kids so have the luxury of enjoying splashing out on each other and the cat aswell if you see fit and good for you. I do however think there are a lot of families with dc where buying for adults doesn't bother them. I don't think you can compare families without children to families with. Before I had kids me and dh used to love buying each other lot of gifts; we were like big kids in a way. Since we've had ds we don't care anymore and it's more exciting for us to buy for him than waste money on each other. If there's something one of us wants we can get it and do buy a small gift for each other. I think it can come down to expense and hassle as when you have all dc gifts to sort the last thing you wants is adults on top of it. I still buy for adults but have had to cut back on how much I get. Christmas is for children attitude just comes from seeing their little faces light up and I think from the excitement they bring. It doesn't mean adults can't still enjoy the season without dc though. It's just a different Christmas/experience.
Before having a baby I miss laying in and drinking too much, going out socialising and having a truly indulgent Christmas. I miss Christmas pre baby but if I didn't have ds I'd miss Christmas now!! WineCakeXmas Smile

Situp · 19/12/2017 09:42

I don't want presents but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to have them!

We don't buy for our adult siblings once they have kids but that is because with partners there are so many of them. We have all agreed that the pleasure of reducing our shopping lists by 14 gifts is better than getting the gifts themselvesGrin I still buy for our 2 siblings without children.

We still buy for our mothers, especially as they are both widowed so don't get anything from our dads anymore.

The problem with all these things is people taking what works for them and trying to force it on everybody else.

Flowers I am sure imogi flowers are a pretty crap Christmas present but here they are from me to you!

Intercom · 19/12/2017 09:42

YANBU. Every person is valuable and I don't think Christmas gifts are something you have to "grow out of". Sharing, giving and receiving with thanks are for all ages.

juddyrockingcloggs · 19/12/2017 09:43

When barren me and barren husband were TTC and were having round after round of IVF, Christmas was our worst time of year! We would dutifully trudge up to see nieces and nephews and then trudge home again, often in tears that it still wasn't us that were doing the whole Father Christmas thing!

Then, When home we would unwrap all our lovely presents to each other, be excited to see what we had got and it made it special for us.

However, our families have never been the no presents for adults type and we have always been spoiled rotten and always spoiled each other!

Now we have our little boy and of course he takes the limelight so to speak now, which is brilliant! But, we all still have adult gifts.

Keep spoiling each other, keep splashing the cash at Christmas if A) you can afford to and B) it makes you feel better.

If someone had suggested to me that adult presents shouldn't be a thing then it would have given me the rage too.

OrinocoDugong · 19/12/2017 09:44

Yanbu. I think in general all the kids in my wider family (including my own dc) have quite enough plastic tat already so if someone feels the need to budget and cut down who they buy for then it's far more sensible to let the kids enjoy themselves with a cardboard box and focus the money on the long-suffering parents who don't get treats very often.

swingofthings · 19/12/2017 09:44

It all comes down to whether there is something you really really really want, just like you do as a kid and therefore you can get really excited to open your presents on the morning.

OH and I are, like many both spoiled in that we are able to afford most of what we want any time of the year, but also not materialistic, so don't drool other these big flashy tvs, or phones, or any of those seemingly popular items.

Personally, I think you've got it right if you indeed get excited at the prospect of presents on Christmas day, so go for it and have a fantastic day!

ConversationCoat · 19/12/2017 09:45

Totally agree but would never openly say it!
We will never have our own kids. We have coughed up a lot over the years for nieces, nephews, friends’ kids.
We are currently fostering so the playing field is levelling a tiny bit at the moment. This is a very recent thing however.

Have often felt a tiny bit bitter about it all...

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 19/12/2017 09:45

No-one NEEDS presents - including kids - but YANBU in thinking that adults would like some presents too. It's a time of giving and that works for all ages.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:45

Oh and I buy a lot less for my adult relatives than I used to as i can't afford not to. I still get them a token though like a nice box of chocs or a book. If I bought them more ds would miss out. My relatives wouldn't want to come before my dc.

NataliaOsipova · 19/12/2017 09:46

I'm the opposite. I think the schlepping round the shops (or the websites!), trawling for things that someone else may or may not like, then having to wrap it all up sucks the fun out of Christmas. It's one thing if you see something someone else would really like. Then it's fun to buy and give a gift. But the whole "What on earth can we buy for Marge?" and it ends up being a Boots gift set that she could probably live without, just seems daft. You tend to buy presents reciprocally as well, so someone's had to go through the same process for you and you've both spent money to get something that neither of you would particularly want.

So I think presents are the worst part of Christmas. It's exciting and fun for children because they can't get the stuff for themselves, but for adults, I think it's totally different. That said, I do think that reciprocity is important, so if you had bought for my DC and you didn't have DC for me to buy for, then I would buy something for you "from my DC". If that makes any sort of sense?

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:46

I also would expect my relatives only to buy for ds would they can afford. If they spend more that's up to them but they know they will only be getting a small gift from me and i have made this clear to them.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 09:47

what*

ItsFindersKeepers · 19/12/2017 09:47

We've only bought for the children this year and each other. We can't afford to buy everyone else and we've asked for no presents in return. Most things we get are tat that we don't use so it just clusters the place up. I'd rather people not waste their money and spend it on themselves instead.

ZivaDiva · 19/12/2017 09:48

All the DC's in our family are over 20 but they all get presents. DH and I buy presents for each other and the kids buy us presents. I don't buy for my SIL/BIL but do for my FIL.
I do expect them all to buy me a small present as I host Christmas dinner for 16 so bloody well expect something in return. Grin
Normally get candles/flowers which as I'm not a lesbian is lovely. apologies to anyone who didn't read that thread and doesn't get the reference Grin