Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to hate the *adults don't need presents* brigade?

304 replies

Travis1 · 19/12/2017 09:32

Just that really? Hates probably a strong word but seriously dislike. Keep seeing it spouted on here continually but if adults don't need presents then on Christmas morning it's just me, DH and the cats staring at each other. When everyone else is out shopping for their little darlings barren old me will have 2 nieces and 1 nephew to buy for. Nothing else.

TTC 8 years so if it's not bad enough that I can't actually have kids now I can't have presents either? Feck off!

Why do people want to make others feel guilty for wanting to exchange gifts with the ones they love and to celebrate? Why shouldn't I buy my DH nice things and vice versa? Why shouldn't I buy MIL her favourite perfume that she wouldn't normally buy herself because of cost? Or my aunt tickets to a singer she's desperate to see?

Is it just martyrdom? Do these people actually not buy for anyone other than the children?!

This has given me inexplicable rage this morning Grin

OP posts:
PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 10:08

I agree with AnnabelleLecter on the adults sending lists of expensive gifts comment. FIL was the worst and was more of a kid than our baby! He would send out a wish list telling not us how much to spend. His Christmas was defined by gifts he received; very selfish man. He expected me and dh to buy him and MIL, BIL all 'something they wanted' whether we could afford it or not. He wasn't bothered about his GC. He wouldn't literally sulk like a baby if he didn't get enough spent on him! This is where a draw the line and when adults need to get a grip. No wonder he is now estranged!

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 10:09

I*

ProzacAndWinePlease · 19/12/2017 10:09

Yeah, barren me, DH and the cat don't want to stare at each other under an empty three, either. I expect it's different when you do have kids, and they will be the priority. As it is, I definitely need presents from DH. Not bothered if I get them from others - although lovely friends and DM have given me something. :)

fannyfelcher · 19/12/2017 10:09

I love buying for adults and go totally overboard with everybody. This year I have spent £150 on my sister as she is my best friend and I would be lost without her. About £50 on her fella . £10 on our parents, £50 on my other sister, her fella and his kid and about £200 on my husband. He is shit at buying presents so I have bought my own with his card and spent about £400.

Adults SHOULD have presents if it is affordable and they want them. I love Christmas too and after all the effort I put in all year round it is nice to open a bottle of plonk and tear open some wrapping paper.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 10:09

would i

ProzacAndWinePlease · 19/12/2017 10:11

*TREE, obviously, not three

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 10:11

If I could afford it I would spend more on the adults but dc have to come first as it is as we can't. It's the adults that expect this rule to go out the window that I cannot and won't tolerate.

quarterpast · 19/12/2017 10:12

I don't think there needs to be a blanket rule though does there? What works for one person may not work for another, doesn't make it a judgement necessarily.

I don't want presents, even before I had kids I didn't want them. My reasoning is that being an adult, if I want or need something then I'll buy it for myself.

I don't like the thought that people feel obliged to buy me stuff just because they feel they have to, and most of the time it's stuff for the sake of stuff, not something I really want or need.

But that is purely how I as an individual feel and I would never judge somebody else for feeling differently about things. Do what makes you happy and try not to compare yourself to other people too much.

mookinsx · 19/12/2017 10:12

spent more on my partner than on the nieces and nephews - i go over board and spend way too much
but its just nice.
i really enjoy browsing online and once I've found one present i just find more and i genuinely enjoy the whole process of buying him presents (minus the part where i check my bank balance)

we don't have kids ourselves yet but we buy for his siblings and their children - but the kids get a more exciting present than the adults but a present all the same

PeonyBucket · 19/12/2017 10:12

I presume it is to keep costs down

For most people it is. I only buy for children of the extended family as there are already ten nephews and nieces. That runs expensive.
To buy for all the adults as well (9) would make it a bank loan job.

I don't think adults don't need or deserve presents. I love presents and buy them for my own adult dc. But you have to draw the line somewhere - and in an extended family situation just buying for the children makes sense. Also, extended family often buy stuff you neither need nor want. And asking what each other wants is just swapping errands.
I think this is the context in which most people just buy for the children.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 19/12/2017 10:15

Another present lover! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not buying (or expecting) loads or for my whole extended family but I think a nice thoughtful gift that someone might not necessarily buy for them self of that they might find useful is lovely.

PasstheStarmix · 19/12/2017 10:15

I agree with quarterpast, could have written that. I get sick of people thinking I say it for fun when I say don't buy I mean it.

Travis1 · 19/12/2017 10:16

It's just the disparaging way some posts come across pah you buy for your husband?! but Christmas is for THE CHILDREN, any adult that needs/wants presents is just pathetic As though it is the most ridiculous thing ever to want to treat the people you love and have people treat you.

In our house there is a lot of thought put into all gifts and I like to think it's appreciated.

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 19/12/2017 10:17

I think unless you are wealthy most gifts are often a bit rubbish; boots bath set, photo frames, novelty stuff/ cookbooks that you don't use or the mutual exchange of gift vouchers.

If you're going to buy me something wonderful and well thought out that'd be lovely but really rather not get ten up to the value of £20 presents which I dutifully reciprocate it sucks the joy out of christmas.

singformysupper · 19/12/2017 10:17

I don't think anyone would have meant that adults shouldn't receive presents.
They were probably made by those with children prioritising their children over themselves/ other adults if a choice had to be made due to limited finances/ time.

DiegoMadonna · 19/12/2017 10:18

I don't think adults need presents. Even before I had children I stopped doing presents. Christmas to me is more about family time (meaning siblings/parents/nieces and nephews/cousins/etc. not just your own kids), good food, xmas films and a few glasses of mulled wine. I don't need or want presents to feel christmassy/loved, and before we had children my whole family did present-less christmas and let me tell you, we did not spend the day miserably sobbing in front of an empty tree.

HOWEVER, if you want to do presents with your OH, nobody should be making you feel guilty about it. That part is wrong of them, especially as it's obviously something that (understandably) affects you emotionally because of your trouble conceiving.

DiegoMadonna · 19/12/2017 10:20

Spot on post by quarterpast. Those are my exact feelings too.

Everyone has a right to spend the day however they want to spend it, without being made to feel guilty.

Rossigigi · 19/12/2017 10:21

I think every family does presents differently and what works for them works for them. I think a lot of people will be mortified at how we do Christmas so waiting to be flamed, but here goes:

In our family we buy for adults and children. Just been going through everyone to make sure no ones been missed (yes I missed 3!) and the money spent varies.
E.g: I've spent between £30-£40 on each of my ex sister in laws, between £30-£80 on ex mother in laws (there's 2 lol), £40-£120 on ex partners, £20-£30 on ex partners girlfriends and children and then there's my parents, my siblings, our friends, neighbours and their children.

It seems a lot, HOWEVER, I and both my children get gifts from all of these individuals too, so I buy a gift from the children and a gift from me to them. I know not all families work like this, but it's how we've always done it and it works for us.

But my youngest on his dad's side is the only child, so has 3 aunts and 2 uncles who spoil him rotten. And my eldest is now in a blended family at his dads and is 18, so he's just money and bits as he has everything he needs. (We're at the stage of persuading him to put money away for uni in 9 months!)

People don't get tat, just for the sake of it. Gifts to us are things we've maybe mentioned throughout the year we like, or that the person thinks we would really like. E.g- my youngest is into a certain clothing brand so has a new hoodie, t-shirt, hat, joggers and a bag off his grandmother. One aunt is buying him an Amazon echo because he keeps pinching the one out off the kitchen, I've bought one sis in law a pandora charm she said she liked whilst out shopping, my eldest a new keyboard for his p.c off his step uncle, I have new perfume off mother in law that I mentioned I liked, my best friend has a book she said she liked but could not justify paying the price for.

We also do not do the 'I spent £40 so you have to spend it one me' thing. If one thing costs £10 and another £50 then so be it. But people only spend what they can afford.

We just like to show each other at Christmas how special we are to each other, and as we don't do the one big Christmas Day (as there is so many families) we show that love with a gift.

And as for my kids this year, eldest 'I don't want or need anything' and youngest 'I only want an Xbox game and some money'. So they've both agreed to having some bits in their stockings and they are going to have money for the sales and both buy new bits for their gaming pc's, they have every thing else they want, so this year will be the fastest present opening time ever in our household! The family presents will take longer lol

ShotsFired · 19/12/2017 10:21

@OuchBollocks Fuck that. I love presents. I like shopping for presents too.

I second that emotion. Bollocks to the lot of you who are so miserable you can't even find joy in the act of giving and receiving.

NataliaOsipova · 19/12/2017 10:22

but really rather not get ten up to the value of £20 presents which I dutifully reciprocate it sucks the joy out of christmas.

Agree with this!

WeirdCatLady · 19/12/2017 10:23

I can honestly say that, this year, I haven’t bought a single gift for anyone under 16. I love Christmas, always have, always will.

Well, actually that’s not technically true because the dog and the cat are under 16 and ‘Santa’ gets them a little something too Grin

You enjoy Christmas YOUR way. Who the hell actually cares how other people do it?

🎁🛍🎉🎅🏻🎄🍾

Justkeepswimminglalala · 19/12/2017 10:24

IMO if a family set up is "just for kids" then an adult without children should still get a present too in place of the child they don't have. Why should someone fork out for everyone else's kids and get nothing back when they have no kids themselves! Maybe I'm just a Scrooge 😂 lol

ShotsFired · 19/12/2017 10:26

@Travis1 In our house there is a lot of thought put into all gifts and I like to think it's appreciated.

Indeed. It is the thought that is appreciated. That someone took time to consider me and think "ooh I think Shots would really like that!". The cost is irrelevant, whether it was 50p or £50.

It's about knowing the value of giving, not the cost of the present.

LaurieMarlow · 19/12/2017 10:26

Yeah, I think it's pretty tough on people who don't have kids. To be fair, since having DS I don't give much of a shit about presents for me. However, I have brothers with no kids and a fair amount of single friends and getting presents still means something to them and why shouldn't it?

LagunaBubbles · 19/12/2017 10:27

I don't think anyone's saying that you and your husband mustn't/shouldn't exchange gifts if you both want to - or are they?

I don't think anyone would have meant that adults shouldn't receive presents.

Not on this thread but yes this is exactly what Ive seen on other threads this year surrounding Christmas presents.