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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is actually reasonable?

187 replies

TribbleToilandTrouble · 17/12/2017 07:23

So long and short of it is that I live in a terrace house and I have two small children. They are noisy, and up early. There are also SEN issues with at least one.

So about ten minutes ago, they were having a particulary noisy moment downstairs and one of the neighbours thumped on the bedroom wall so hard the wall vibrated.

The neighbours have complained before, I'm not insensible of the noise my household can generate, we have taken steps to reduce noise (we now take the kids downstairs as soon as they wake up, they have sanctions for being too noisy upstairs etc).

But I'm not at a point of how much noise is actually reasonable? It's 7am on a Sunday morning, am I suppose to stop the kids playing downstairs now?

This is really upsetting, I'd just about calmed down from the last complaint.

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 17/12/2017 09:19

Ugh I hate all the "your poor neighbour" "control your kids" responses. A bit of tolerance would go a long way too. 7am is not the night. What are these quiet activities everyone else's children would be up to every morning. It's horrible to feel like your every move is watched and judged in you own house. Pre kids I lived in a flat with very little soundproofing. The neighbours would come round and complain about such things as "someone got up in the night to go to the loo", "I can hear you rolling over in bed" "I can tell you put your boots on on purpose to stomp around and make me feel intimidated because I complained". Honestly I couldn't bear it - we had to move. I don't know what the answer is because everyone's sympathy always seems to be with the complainer but I am with the OP - you choose to live in a place with thin walls it's just as much your responsibility to learn some tolerance as it is for the other person to learn consideration. You do not have an automatic right to silence unless you move somewhere designed with that in mind and complaining about normal life going on next door is shitty imo. That said, I don't know how noisy the OP's kids were being, but there's no mention of loud music etc. Would you be annoyed if you weren't allowed to use a noisy coffee machine or something at 7am?

Greenshoots1 · 17/12/2017 09:21

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Greenshoots1 · 17/12/2017 09:22

and plenty of parents who don't have some sort of SN to blame also shirk their responsibility to discipline their children too!

19lottie82 · 17/12/2017 09:24

greenshoots of course it is! You can’t evict someone because they are disabled!
Find them more suitable accommodation, yes, but evict? Of course not!

Animation86 · 17/12/2017 09:28

I’d be pissed at 7am in the morning. It is technically an unsociable hour on a Sunday where many tend to catch some sleep.

I have a daughter with ASD as well, I appreciate how hard noise is to control. But perhaps it’s time to think of other ways to start instead of just saying “they have sen and there’s only so much I can do”

We have neighbours next door who are up to all hours, Peppa Pig blaring at 11am while the kids bang hard on plates and scream. No SEN by the way... I often ask how THEY are noiser than my lot.

People can do more.

Animation86 · 17/12/2017 09:30

*11pm

Originalfoogirl · 17/12/2017 09:31

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Twopeapods · 17/12/2017 09:33

I agree with PP about screen time. No car games.
My girls are playing with those hexagonal shape things just now that you can slot together and build with and it's keeping them very quiet. Even play doh maybe would work?
Giggling and talking etc are normal noise, screeching and shouting not acceptable noise at 7am.

I do sympathise with you OP. But I also sympathise with neighbours. Personally if I was your neighbours I would just put earplugs in.

Fluffywhitecloud · 17/12/2017 09:33

^^ yes

Greenshoots1 · 17/12/2017 09:34

greenshoots of course it is! You can’t evict someone because they are disabled!

no of course not, but you can evict anyone, disabled or not, for unreasonable or antisocial behaviour, and that includes making unacceptable amounts of noise.

Being disabled in any way does not give you carte blanche to behave as you like your whole life! disabled people are subject to the same lawa as the rest of us - why wouldn't they be?

but again, just to clarify, this is a different level to the op

YCAWS · 17/12/2017 09:39

If you're my neighbour, SE London road beginning with M. I'll tell you what pisses us off so much and why we complain.

You shouting up/down the stairs at them rather than getting up and doing and parenting yourself.

The fact that RIGHT NOW I can hear you shouting at them in the bedroom next to ours! And how have been since 7am

Letting them play the fucking Clarinet at 6:45am and when I come round and ask you to not let them you tell me "well I did ask X to stop".

We love it when you're not in. We get to actually enjoy our home. Neighbours the other side have 2 teenage boys and we very rarely hear them.

Yes we have a toddler and we know when she makes noise you can hear it. Difference is we don't lay in our beds and scream at her. We get up and PARENT OUR CHILD!!!!!!!!

CecilyP · 17/12/2017 09:40

^Right I'm going to leave this thread now, and go get some sleep

Does your OH manage to keep the noise down so you can sleep....?

If so then he just needs to do whatever he does then at 7am^

Obviously, he was already doing it at 7am as OP was fast asleep and only woken by the neighbour banging. If the DC were not so noisy that OP could still sleep upstairs in the same house, then there isn’t any reason the neighbour couldn’t do so upstairs in the house next door.

Is it an old terrace? Sounds like the walls are really thin!

Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 09:43

I actually think people are being unfairly harsh to the OP. She has been listening to what PPs are saying, and she and her DH do make an effort to keep the noise down.

One PP had the unkindness to suggest that she shouldn't be asleep upstairs after being on night shift all week??? She needs to have her sleep, she's not just having a lie in fgs!!

Her DH is minding the DCs, it's actually his responsibility to keep the noise down. I would definitely ask him to not allow them to play car loud games on a Sunday morning, but try screen time with headphones, OP.

Slartybartfast · 17/12/2017 09:45

are you downstairs with them op?

MotherCupboard · 17/12/2017 09:45

I can't get over the responses that say the op is using her kids SEN as an excuse and her children should be able to do this and that. I expect the op hears a lot in RL about what her dc should and shouldn't be able to do but nobody here has any idea what the op's life is like or the level of the children's disabilities so how can anyone say what they should and shouldn't be able to do is beyond me.

She probably gets judged for her kids making unexpected noise out of the house and now she's having to put up with it in her house too. Walking on eggshells in case her SEN kids inconvenience someone else. whay a way to bloody live. 7am is not the middle of the night.

Slartybartfast · 17/12/2017 09:46

sorry, had a re-read, your DH was downstairs with them.
you came on here to ask who was reasonable?

Neither of you are reasonable!

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 09:47

Well said MotherCupboard, some of the posts on this thread are quite upsetting.

Slartybartfast · 17/12/2017 09:49

My neighbour used to bang on the bedroom wall when it was my dc's bedtime at 8.30 Angry
turns out he was going to bed really early.
the walls were thin.
We had a row about it.
They were moving anyway Angry
Quite unreasonable, but i didnt come on mn to ask other's opinions.

19lottie82 · 17/12/2017 09:56

Greenshoots - Spa judge is going to evict a court order to turf a disabled child out of their home because they’re making too much noise? Okayyyyyy then Hmm

19lottie82 · 17/12/2017 09:56

Spa??? So, a.....

MotherCupboard · 17/12/2017 09:56

@stitchglitched im glad it's not just me! Started to think id fallen into an alternative dimension where a grown man's lie in is more important than showing a bit of consideration to a family with SEN children who are doing their best.

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/12/2017 09:56

My neighbour has 3 young boys (Eldest is 6) my god the noise they can make is so bad.
It is only trumped by my neighbour screaming her head off at them. I put my television on just to drown out the noise.

I wouldn't think to complain or bang on the wall. I just don't think that is a very neighbourly thing to do.

JacquesHammer · 17/12/2017 10:00

Started to think id fallen into an alternative dimension where a grown man's lie in is more important

Maybe he has health issues. I think the actions of banging on the wall show someone who is at the end of their tether.

So there's two options. For the sake of neighbourly relations you apologise and make some effort (which is 9/10 what someone needs) or you refuse and say "tough shit".

If it were the latter and the situation didn't improve, I would speak to their private LL. chances are rather than wanting to get involved, the LL will just not renew the tenancy and OP will have to move.

Originalfoogirl · 17/12/2017 10:03

She probably gets judged for her kids making unexpected noise out of the house and now she's having to put up with it in her house too. Walking on eggshells in case her SEN kids inconvenience someone else.

That’s a load of rubbish. The OP is not talking about unexpected noise and you are conflating two completely different issues.

But easier to just judge everyone who suggests she has some responsibility to take here, eh? The fact the neighbour is banging on the wall makes it clear the OP is a pretty poor neighbour.

stitchglitched · 17/12/2017 10:06

So the OP's children have actual disabilities that are apparently no excuse, amongst other offensive stuff. But the neighbour might have health issues despite no evidence whatsoever so his behaviour and attitude is fine. How bizarre to give more empathy and understanding to a hypothetical health issue than an actual one.