Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

[speakout]

What about when your kids grow up and move out. You will be left with your husband. According to some posters on here adults should only see their parents once in a few weeks. What will you do then if you have viewed your husband as less important than your kids. They should be equal. It's not really relevant here. @speakout brought it up and I answered that I didn't agree.

No it doesn't work like that.

As children grow their dependence on parents lessens. I have two kids on the brink of flying the nest and that's good- as it should be.

My relationship with my OH has not moved in the years since our children were born, it has remained steadfast in that time, although we have prioritised our children above each other,
When the kids leave we will be left with the same status quo, two people who love each other.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

I agree it's totally off piste. Very happy to not talk about it any more. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just expressed mine.

[ErnestTheBavarian]

You said you've got the advice you need, and have made up your mind. What have you decided to do?

Have you got anyone who you can rely on?

[MikeUniformMike]

OP, apologies. There have been threads closed on here today.

You appear to be kind, considerate and intelligent.
It sounds to me like your husband needs to buck up his ideas.
Try to have a good Christmas and I hope you sort things out.

Divorce is not easy and it does not mean you've failed. It means that the marriage failed.

[Cheby]

Just read the thread OP; I’m sorry your DH is s dick, and I do think you should leave. I wish you the best.

Speakout is absolutely right though; children come first. It doesn’t mean decent human beings don’t make time for both their kids and their partners, but my DH is an adult, he can look after himself, so my children’s needs come first, in the same way that most of the time their needs also come above mine. Personally I feel this is a basic principle of parenting. I’m sure it won’t be forever, but certainly with young kids I think they have to be priority 1.

I also think it’s ok to say you don’t have a full understanding of something until you have experienced it. Of course everyone is allowed an opinion on whatever they want, but it might be prudent to accept you don’t fully understand something until you have experienced it. Personally I had no idea how I would feel about my children until they were here. I had lots of ideas that went out of the window and I’ve mafe commitments and sacrifices I previously had no idea I was capable of let alone genuinely wanting to make them.

Your DH has got a lot wrong but prioritising seeing his children over his partner isn’t one of them.

[ToffeeUp]

The kids don't live with him, you do. Therefore you should have a lot more time to spend together, just the 2 of you. However he prioritises his study, mates, parents and even washing the car over doing things with you. That is the problem, not his children.

How much time will you be spending together over Christmas?

[Trinity66]

Your DH has got a lot wrong but prioritising seeing his children over his partner isn’t one of them.

I don't understand why he couldn't do both at the same time though, I have a stepson, he's lived with us since he was 15 but before that we all did stuff together as a family on the days my DH had him

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Thanks to all the posters for their advice. It helped me to see just how wrong it is to be living like this and that it is far from normal in a happy marriage.
I have given him an ultimatum. If he does not start to value me in his life then I will be gone. I think the date night suggestion is a good idea. In my mind I am giving him until mid jan to see if things change. If they don't then I can't continue.
Also oh my goodness I have never said that he should not see his children. Can't cope with some of these comments.

[Minniemountain]

Out of interest OP, what sort of qualification is your H studying for that means another 2.5 years? Will it vastly improve his career or is it more or a "self improvement" thing?

[EmilyChambers79]

What will you do then if you have viewed your husband as less important than your kids

Well it would appear that your Husband is viewing everything in his life as more important than you.

My guess is he's expecting that once his kids have grown and need less attention and he has qualified, you will be sat there waiting for him.

Why do you feel like a spare part when he spends time with the his children? Why is he not getting you involved or why are you not getting involved? You need to build a relationship with them. You are married to their Dad and they won't be leaving his life anytime soon.

Has he always been like this since you got together?

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Also regarding the other topic. Maybe you guys are right and I will have no clue until I have my own kids. Or maybe I will still feel the same. Who knows. But what I do know is that people have different opinions and that is ok.

[ErnestTheBavarian]

OP, I really hope that he listens to you and makes the effort for you. I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas, and manage to have fun, and feel loved and cherished.

Good luck.

ps in the time between now and your deadline if you can bite your tongue, I wouldn't mention it again, or remind him. You've said your piece now. Now you need to watch and wait.

[UnicornInTraining]

Brave decision OP, I hope gets the wake up call and realizes how much of a grade A douchebag he has been.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Good luck OP, I hope things work out.

[Tara336]

Yanbu I was in a similar situation. My exh had a stressful time consuming job, he spent more time at work or socialising then with me. When I tried to get talk about it had told me go get a hobby .... so I left him. If your made to feel surplus to requirements you generally are.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Going to leave him. This Christmas has been awful. Been crying a lot. He doesn't care about me at all.

[Arrietty123]

That sounds awful, thinking of you op Next year can only be better.

[mummmy2017]

What happened?
As this should have been together time for you, as he was off work.

[Bumshkawahwah]

That is sad, OP. But perhaps better to have a definite indication now that he’s not going to change than limp along for months or years more. I’m sorry it is so hard.

You are still young! Imagine being with someone who can’t wait to see you, looks forward to spending time with you. Who can clean a bloody bathroom like most adults can. You deserve better than to be the bottom of someone’s list.

[NurseButtercup]

Sorry to read your update

I'd like to suggest you request your post be moved to relationship board for support from the experienced mnetters residing over there.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Thanks. Same old really, he finished work Friday, kids Saturday, study & friends Sunday, kids yesterday. This afternoon it is just me and him for the first time in ages without him doing anything else. He is making very little effort to engage in anything. Anyway just thought I would put an update as lots of people gave me some very useful advice and it has helped me to see things more clearly.

[Worriedrose]

Did you even spend Christmas Day together

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Technically together, as in the same house. Dh spent the day playing with his kids and chatting with his parents and family. I spent the day cleaning, cooking lunch, picking up wrapping paper, cooking dinner, fetching drinks, dealing with tantrums, sorting kids bedtime stuff that he won't readily do etc.

[Butterymuffin]

That's shit of him, OP. At least if you've decided to go, it doesn't have to be like this next year. You deserve better.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That's shit, new year, new start and all that. Seems like the relationship has run its course.