Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

[bigchris]

Honestly op I would tell him that it things don't, can't change then enough is enough

He's taking you for a mug

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

You’re too young to spend the rest of your life being ignored and biting your tongue “trying not to complain”.

I appreciate it might be hard to hear but do you really want to resign yourself to a life of lonely evenings? You’re young enough to meet someone who actually cherishes time with you, I’ve been in your shoes and am so much happier now. It’s hard though, especially at this time of year

[wowbutter]

Does he actually like you?

DH and I choose hanging out together over everything. We are best friends, and love being together, have similar interests and really enjoy it.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Thank you @Blackteadrinker77 don't worry about car wash suggestion. It's hard to think of ideas of where to free up time and on the face of things that would have been a good suggestion. But obviously with me doing everything else that would just be a step too far. 3rd Friday with friends is a good idea. I'm going to suggest it and see how it goes!

[strawberrymarshmallow]

@wowbutter yes he does. It's since he started the new job and studying that things have gone down hill. I think he tries to prioritise time with his friends as his ex didn't allow him to see his friends at all. He has worked hard to rebuild friendships and doesn't want to lose them

[jay55]

How much longer will the study go on for? I don’t think there is any life in the realAtionship you describe but wondered if it will get better soon.

[Eatalot]

I think you know the answer. Leave there is nothing in it for you. He will either see what he has lost and make you a priority or wouldnt even if he wasnt studying. Sorry OP.

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

Leave.

Seriously - this man is prioritising washing his car over spending time with you.

You are being treated like a domestic appliance. Do you really want this for the next 2.5 years?

[strawberrymarshmallow]

I have even bought all the Christmas presents including for the kids and wrapped them. I am such a mug.

[Viviennemary]

That sounds like a totally grim existence for you. I'd be thinking about calling it a day. What's the point of you living this joyless life with no going out or companionship. It's hopeless. YANBU.

[CheckpointCharlie2]

Doesn't sound like much fun op, I think I would leave. Do you have children together?

[Sundance2741]

At that age you don't lose friends by not seeing them for a couple of weeks (or months). They sound like a bunch of teenagers.

Even evenings where he's studying surely he could finish an hour early and spend some time with you?

Also think you should get involved with his kids. Why not? I suspect a lot of couples would do that. He could have one day out a month on his own with them if he really feels it necessary. Can they not just do normal Saturday activities home with you there as well. Why should they be taken out and entertained by their dad every week?

Sounds like he's taking you for granted but desperately trying to please everyone else. You need to have a proper talk with him and find out whether he still wants to be with you, and if so, how that can work to suit you. It's your life too.

[Letmesleepalready]

Sounds like us. DH is either going to sleep at the same time as the DCs or he’s out with his friends. It’s frustrating but nothing seems to change. And it’s not like I can go out on the nights he goes to sleep early as I’ve no friends around here. It’s pretty miserable when I think about it, but there’s not much I can do about it, we argue about it regularly but nothing changes.

[oblada]

What is he studying for that requires the equivalent of 2 full days per week? This seems a lot!
He should cut down on the friends and you should spend the week-ends together (at least some of it) with or without the kids depending on the day and doing tasks and chores if needed but together!!

And maybe find some hobbies of your own?

[Worriedrose]

Sorry but you do sound like a housekeeper. But I bet he gets to have sex with you too

So his ex stopped him seeing his friends, ok I get that he wants to maintain that side of his life.
But basically what he is saying to you is, I won't sacrifice that side of my life, but I will sacrifice your side
Everything in life is a compromise, when he started his studies he should have realised that he might have to compromise everything in his spare time. Not just you.

I think this speaks volumes.

I fear if you said, can you see your friends every third week, he's going to say you're like his ex...

Ergo, you're in a lose lose situation.

Good luck, but either he's totally blind and you pointing it out will make him see the light, or he plain doesn't give a fuck.
I hope it's the former

[Thedietstartsnow]

Not meaning to be nasty,but it sounds more like your his housekeeper ,with free sex thrown in..I wouldn't be tolerating that .id be gone

[FinallyHere]

feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

Listen to these feeling, you are not wrong. I'm wondering how you ever managed to get together? Was he perhaps looking out for someone to facilitate his life ? Bin.

[Letmesleepalready]

DH did a OU degree and that seemed to take up most of his free time too. I thought once it was over we’d have more time but it hasn’t worked out so far. We basically never have any time alone.

[Hisnamesblaine]

God I would love to see my group of friends every week but can't due to money work family etc. It's too much. Can't you go around to the parents house when he takes the kids? Also don't mean to be nosey.... But when do you find the time to be intimate? Or had that gone off the boil?

[KnightofWands]

Have you tried talking to him?

[Thedietstartsnow]

Basically if you had a future with him,he would be including you in everything he did with his kids,

[Worriedrose]

@Letmesleepalready
I'd say the same to you as the OP

people who want to try. Try.
It sounds fucking grim for you.

Sadly a lot of men just want a housekeeper who gives them handjobs and looks after their offspring

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

So he sees his parents twice a week because otherwise they won't see the children? They don't need to see them twice a week!

He sees his friends once a week - he prioritises them over you.

I would get out. What's happened is he's had a choice over who to spend time with and he's not chosen you once. You are a glorified housekeeper.

Just out of interest, do you share money? When you say you've bought the children's Christmas presents, do you mean you also paid for them?