Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

[chocolateavocado99]

Sorry you are having a shit time, but glad you made the decision to leave. I really think you are doing the right thing.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Imagine him realising he'll have to have wank using the same hand he's just cleaned the loo with. Brave new world. brilliant!

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

Good for you Strawberry, it's not easy to walk away from someone you love, but you know it's the right thing.

I started reading your thread because I've been in a similar situation lately, but it's only been a few weeks and DP has listened when I brought it up and is making more effort. If he were as oblivious as your H and it had been going on for this long, I would be walking too.

You deserve better, really you do. And you are young enough to find it without all the complications that come from being older and having DCs. Make 2018 the year you put yourself first.

[TheCraicDealer]

He's all take-take-take isn't he? Please do not forget that he's put himself here- it really is his loss. One day he'll realise that he'll not only have to do everything that he's doing atm but also run a house. Just have a good old chuckle about that, and when you feel your resolve slipping think about crying over Christmas lunch because he's too busy playing host-with-the-most to be a considerate partner.

What a cock. Imagine him realising he'll have to have wank using the same hand he's just cleaned the loo with. Brave new world.

[ChickenMom]

You sound incredibly unhappy. At the moment you are just his cook and cleaner! Where’s the effort of taking you out and having a nice life together? He’s taking advantage of you. Move into your own place so he has to do his own housework and see if he makes effort with you. It’s got to be better than what you’ve currently got!

[ferntwist]

So glad to hear that you’re standing firm and feeling determined. He’s had plenty of opportunity to show you love and give you some time over the holidays and he’s failed. You’re doing the right thing 100%. Will be thinking of you and watching for an update. This site is amazing for support at times like that. Good luck.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Thank you everyone for your support. @ferntwist I haven't told him yet , I'm waiting until all of the Christmas/new year things are out of the way. I know he will try to rationalise everything and persuade me to carry on but I can't. The only possibility of salvaging this is if I move out and he suddenly has a reality check and actually changes. I think the likelihood of that is slim. I didn't update again as I didn't want to bother everyone as everyone has already given me great support and advice. Thanks again everyone for giving me some reassurance that things were not right.

[ferntwist]

How are you doing OP, you’ve gone quiet?

[Worriedrose]

I think this will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life
It's easy to stay, really easy
It's hard to admit to yourself the things you just don't want to.
If you leave it will be the bravest thing you'll ever do.

[ferntwist]

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you were treated like a servant in your own home. What a selfish, thoughtless man.
You’re still so young and will meet someone fun and caring, who wants to prioritise you and have kids with you. I’m so glad you’re leaving him and setting yourself free.
Have you told him yet?

[MistressDeeCee]

Well then, now you know. When you have to bring yourself to issue ultimatums ie beg a man to spend time with you, then he doesn't love you. Its as simple as that.Take yummyeclair's advice and get out and get your life back. He may not be fussed about you leaving. Or he may not want you to leave as you're a convenient homemaker. Either way you don't even have a relationship to salvage so find a new life whilst you're young.

[yummyeclair]

Hi OP, do not be scared of being divorced if you feel you are in a one way relationship. I got divorced at 30 and never wanted to have another partner and met my second husband by chance and realised what an equal relationship is. You deserve happiness given willingly not having to ask for it I.e. be with a person who wants to be with you. My friend gave me a book called The Rules and I followed it to the letter and it works. Got remarried at 39 had kids at 41 and 42 and have a wonderful DSD- can't believe how people treat me so lovingly and me with respect. I too was a glorified housekeeper, carer in first relationship. The key is people who truly love you choose to spend time with you of their own accord. Good luck you deserve the best life can offer . I was single for 5 years inbetween and it improved my self confidence. 😊

[notapizzaeater]

Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to move forward, knowing how you feel he should be at least making an effort. New year, new you.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

He’s a fool. You’re doing the right thing. Good luck OP - you deserve these

[BlueThesaurusRex]

I don’t want to sound to cliched and it’s going to be tough at first but next year is the start of your new life- Grab it with both hands and prioritise yourself!

Good luck OP

[Aeroflotgirl]

That's shit, new year, new start and all that. Seems like the relationship has run its course.

[Butterymuffin]

That's shit of him, OP. At least if you've decided to go, it doesn't have to be like this next year. You deserve better.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Technically together, as in the same house. Dh spent the day playing with his kids and chatting with his parents and family. I spent the day cleaning, cooking lunch, picking up wrapping paper, cooking dinner, fetching drinks, dealing with tantrums, sorting kids bedtime stuff that he won't readily do etc.

[Worriedrose]

Did you even spend Christmas Day together

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Thanks. Same old really, he finished work Friday, kids Saturday, study & friends Sunday, kids yesterday. This afternoon it is just me and him for the first time in ages without him doing anything else. He is making very little effort to engage in anything. Anyway just thought I would put an update as lots of people gave me some very useful advice and it has helped me to see things more clearly.

[NurseButtercup]

Sorry to read your update

I'd like to suggest you request your post be moved to relationship board for support from the experienced mnetters residing over there.

[Bumshkawahwah]

That is sad, OP. But perhaps better to have a definite indication now that he’s not going to change than limp along for months or years more. I’m sorry it is so hard.

You are still young! Imagine being with someone who can’t wait to see you, looks forward to spending time with you. Who can clean a bloody bathroom like most adults can. You deserve better than to be the bottom of someone’s list.

[mummmy2017]

What happened?
As this should have been together time for you, as he was off work.

[Arrietty123]

That sounds awful, thinking of you op Next year can only be better.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Going to leave him. This Christmas has been awful. Been crying a lot. He doesn't care about me at all.