Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

OK I am sure you know best.

It's not about 'knowing best'. There's not one rule for everyone. Some people may view their partner as equal and others may not. It's about what works for you as a couple. Personally I feel it would be recipe for disaster but that's just my opinion.

OP but you don't have children.

You don't really get it.

I honestly believe that marriage is important, but it only works if 2 people want it to. You're only in your 20's. Many people are still single at this point.

Honestly I would sit down with a week plan (including mornings, evenings and weekends), and ask him to schedule on it everything he wants & needs to do during the week. I would also ensure you and housework features to an acceptable level. I would then ask him to commit to it.

If he wouldn't agree to do it, or to build in fixed times for you, then I would honestly leave.

He then has the choice of realising what an arsehole he's been, and fix it, and turn over a new leaf. Or he doesn't and at least you know, and can be free to meet someone who deserves you.

As for people judging? Well, I sort of get what you mean. OTOH, you might live to be 100 years old. Do you want to spend the next 70 plus years feeling so miserable and unloved? But at least everyone else would think you'd had a great marriage!?

What if you did have a child (please don't!) with him. Where will he magic up the time from to spend time with him/her? Something has to give.

Asking him to pay you more attention is beyond pathetic.

@speakout no you're right I don't have children. I have had two miscarriages though. Still I obviously have no clue because I could not carry a baby to term. Apparently people without children cannot comprehend anything about being a parent.

And now I'm pathetic too. Thanks for your contribution @speakout but I think I will ignore it.

Apparently people without children cannot comprehend anything about being a parent.

People without children can comprehend some things but until you experience the situation- then no.

Ok I am sure you know best.

Ultimatum time innit?

You don't have kids with this man and marriage is literally a price of paper.

If you're resorting to withholding sex then you're already past the point of no return.

You wouldn't buy a cup of coffee and accept an empty cup, why accept an empty marriage?

And no, if my partner and my children were in danger I'm only risking my life for the kids.

I doubt any parent would say otherwise. Speakout might be blunt, but she's right chick.

It's a moot point right now though isn't it, and not relevant really to this situation. I don't think the OP is suggesting dh doesn't see his kids.

He has the same amount of time in the week as the rest of us. He has a lot on his plate. He needs to work out time for all of them. If there's things he's not willing to set time aside for (the OP, or to a lesser extent, the home), then she needs to decide if she'll put up with that, or leave. That's really all there is to it, surely?

ernest- wise words.

How come you don't spend time with him when he has has his kids? You're married to him and so are their step mother, don't you want a relationship with them and your husband as a family?

Also I agree it;s odd he'd choose a night out with the lads every single Friday night and I agree with you OP that actions speak louder than words, words are meaningless

My kids are my kids forever. DH - meh.

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like your H couldn't care less about seeing you. You're useful for sex, food and cleaning -
otherwise not so much.

Sorry :(

What about when your kids grow up and move out. You will be left with your husband. According to some posters on here adults should only see their parents once in a few weeks. What will you do then if you have viewed your husband as less important than your kids. They should be equal. It's not really relevant here. @speakout brought it up and I answered that I didn't agree.

Is this thread a wind up?

No it's not a wind up.
I've got the advice that I needed and don't need any more arguments. I've made my mind up.

strawberrymarshmallow

I think you and speakout are both correct in your own ways tbh. If you want a good marriage sometimes you have to priortise your partner over your kids. That doesn't mean you love your partner more nor does it mean in a life or death situation you would choose you husband over your kids

I guess OPs husband saw her coming...............

Still kids. That never changes. I like my DP very much, don't get me wrong.

But yeah, total moot point because they don't exist to you.

It's worth adding, so not get pregnant in a bid to save this marriage, he still won't like you, it'll just bring a whole other level of complication to both your lives.

Cut your losses

The thread's now being derailed by a partners v kids 'only room for one in the lifeboat' debate, which I agree is irrelevant here.

OP, if you're setting a new year deadline for him to improve then that's fair enough. My question is, how are you going to brighten up Christmas for yourself? It sounds like it will be pretty miserable to me unless your husband pulls something very surprising out of the bag.

This thread has gone really off-piste now. OP - that is the sort of thing only a very small minority of mums would say/think. Trust me.

I hope the rest of the thread isn't focused on this side turn.

I think your DH is making a load of excuses not to see you - DCs are just one of them. I'd be spending Christmas looking at flats on Rightmove.

I think the PP who said he needs to see his study as his hobby is spot on. He probably sees it as an extension of his work and therefore thinks his Friday night lads session is his reward for working hard. I suggest that you take a carrot and stick approach. Tell him that he needs to organise a date night once a week - it might be a Friday it might be a Sunday but it happens every week. If it doesn't, stop doing stuff for him - just do your own laundry and only cook for yourself etc and tell him that he needs to stop treating you like a housekeeper. If he leaves a dirty plate lying around put it on top of his study materials.

Take yourself away for 2-3 weeks early in the new year - doesn't have to be a holiday - it could be staying with family/friends. It gives you both a chance to take a long hard look at the relationship without being an ultimatum at this point.

What have you decided?