Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

BTW among many other horrors - you were the scarlet woman as you loved together before marriage, but it was OK for him to be having sex then?

Two dickheads have bred a third. Get out.

Okaaayyyy, he doesn't want to spend any time with you and still wants sex anyway.

I don't say this lightly, but you really have got yourself a peach there, haven't you? I wasted most of my 20s with a man who couldn't see the connection between enjoying time together and wanting to be intimate. Don't do what I did, and spend nearly ten years trying to fix the relationship.

Just get out fast, and enjoy the rest if your life. Anyone who judges you for that, or for anything, really, isn't worth your notice. All the very best

Prince Harry is happy to marry a divorcee in her early thirties.. just saying! Please put yourself first.

If he wanted to spend time with you he would easily find it, and yes funny how he is not too busy for sex.

Sorry but he just wants a housekeeper with benefits.

Do I still spend Christmas with him? I don't know what to do, it seems a bad time to leave now when it's so close to christmas.

Do I still spend Christmas with him? I don't know what to do, it seems a bad time to leave now when it's so close to christmas

Depends. Will you be happy over Christmas? Doesn't matter about him, you need to look out for and after yourself.

Get christmas out of the way first, then leave in the new year. Friends and family may not have room to put you up during the christmas period, or may be away visiting.
It will also give you time to plan where you're going to go, and get your stuff together, important documents etc.

I would personally spend it away with friends or family.

It's always a bad time to leave. But maybe you just need some space.
Are you actually planning on doing something you enjoy at Christmas, or just tagging along with him

Can you not join him and his friends at the pub on a Friday?

Sorry, but from what you've said, it sounds like you are the housekeeper, not someone he values spending time with, just hanging out, talking bollocks and having a laugh. He sounds like a right bore to be honest!

Do you have plans over Christmas or will you just be doing all the cooking and cleaning, while I'm assuming he spends time with his kids? Nothing wrong with suggesting a break. Do you have family or friends you could spend time with?

Alright, I am the same age as you OP and have been single (no kids either) for a long time - it is not rosy out there, but it is nowhere near as bad as the situation you describe. You will be better off leaving him, there is no questioning it!

But if you feel like you want to stay, I think the idea of chasing him down with a calendar and highlighter pens for him to sort out his schedule does sound like a recipe for a disaster. The facts that you are unhappy to be at the bottom of his priorities list, that he does not do his fair share of housework, that he has way too many things going on at the moment is one big problem that he needs fixing. By him. Permanently. Not with just promises to do better. Or with you handing him an alternative schedule that would make you slightly less unhappy.

I am sorry your marriage turned out this way, it must be hard. But you deserve better than "unhappily ever after"

I wouldn't be with a man that doesn't treat me like a goddess.

OP you seriously need to grow a pair and ditch this waste of space. Then before you get into a new relationship get some counselling to raise your self-esteem, and do an assertiveness course. Your self-worth must be at rock bottom to allow yourself to be treated like this.

I maybe could join them at the pub but we need alone time too.
I don't really like the you need to 'grow a pair' mentality. It's not easy to leave someone, especially when you are married and it's nearly Christmas. It's not that simple. I have decided to give him until new year to see if he is seriously willing to change. If not I am gone.

It's right he prioritises his children over you, however he should be putting spending time with you over his friends for sure. You can't be expected to sit around keeping the home fires burning whilst he pays you no attention.

Personally I would find this situation intolerable. Generally people don't improve over time (just get worse), so I wouldn't hang around whilst the situation deteriorates further. That said, I know it's easy to say to leave, not quite so easy in practice.

Why should he prioritise his children over his wife? Surely we should be equal?
I am not saying that he should see his kids less and never have done. But I must admit I hate it when people use this phrase. If I had a baby with him I would not expect him to prioritise him/her over me. I would expect us to be of equal importance in his life.

I think as parents we should prioritise children over partners.

As much as I love my OH our children come first. And I know OH feels that way too.

Partners come and go.

Our children are irreplaceable.

If I had a baby with him I would not expect him to prioritise him/her over me.

OK.I guess you know best.

Partners don't always come and go though. Some marriages last.
But if you treat your partner as subordinate to your child you're likely to be encouraging them to leave.
I personally think they should be of equal importance. My dad didn't treat me or my siblings as more important than my mum. They have been married over 30 years.

@speakout meaning...?

I would expect us to be of equal importance in his life.

Equal importance maybe. But the commitment and responsibility to children is larger. For a few reasons; they are dependent on us, they didn't choose to have us, they can't leave if we are shit, we have a duty of care.

The same is not true of his parents, who he sees twice a week. Much more than most adult men.

OP yes, marriages last. I have been with my OH for 21 years. I think if you had children of your own you would understand the feelings a parent has for a child.

Nothing touches it.

OP- he's really not that into you.

Cut your losses and move on.

@speakout I don't agree and I think that comment is offensive to a lot of people. Just because someone has not given birth does not mean they don't understand. I'm sure lots of mums believe their partner is of equal importance in their life to their child.