Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

Sorry but there's no relationship there at all. Complete waste of your time and you are getting literally bugger all out of being with him. What's the point. In what way does being in a relationship with him enrich your life.

[SuperPug]

Sorry OP but it sounds like nobody gives a flying whatever about you in this family. That's not right. Why are you not invited to his parent's place with the children? I couldn't live like this. New year, new start.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

@SuperPug (love that name!) I could go to his parents place in the week but by the time I would get there after work they would have already eaten/ be eating dinner. I don't know I just feel a bit awkward being there. His parents are very religious and didn't like the fact that we lived together before we got married. They used to make me feel very uncomfortable about this (hints of me being a scarlet woman etc) and whilst that's not the case now I find it difficult to be around them.

[happypoobum]

OP you need to get out of this non relationship as soon as you can. There is plenty for you to start over with someone who actually gives a shit if they see you or not.

A couple of years ago a poster said something on a similar thread which applies here I think. He/She said "Do you think Barack finds time for Michelle?"

[BiglyBadgers]

Why should you go to his parents house just to see your own husband? Beside all you get then is time with your husband and his entire family. The point is you should get to spend time with him, just the two of you, because he loves you and enjoys being with you. Having to sneak yourself into his life is really not solving the problem.

I simply find it impossible to believe, even with all the stuff he has going on, that he wouldn't be able to find a couple of hours to hang out and watch a film with you of an evening or pop out for a meal. This is not a situation where what you are asking is impossible. It is that he doesn't see the need to bother.

[swingofthings]

OP, my OH is like yours, although in my case, it's a summer vs winter issue! When the good days come, he is constantly on the go, doing a zillion things, travel with work, is on his bike any chance he gets, go on boys holidays, in the garden gardening etc... and yes, he then tends to forget that I exist. When I point it out to him, he gets on the defensive because he thinks that he should feel guilty so gets angry. He will then try to arrange things, but it comes more out of guilt than wanting.

Comes winter, and suddenly he remembers he has a wife! I am much older than you though and I have kind of accepted it. He is a good man, he does adore me, he just gets very engrossed in things and struggle to see things from my perspective. Thankfully, I am very independent myself, so will do things for myself, but I will get to the point when I miss our friendship/intimacy.

The solution: I go away without him for 10 days. He always misses me much (much more than I miss him when he is away!), and it makes him realise what his life would be without me. I need to do it once a year, but I think I might start doing it twice!

In the end, you have to weigh how much this is an issue vs what you get from the relationship. Most importantly, when will his studies be finished and when will his kids be at that age when they don't care spending so much time with him, let alone going to his parents (even if they still visit regularly).

[JammyGem]

I recently had a similar issue with my DH- we weren't spending any time together and I felt he didn't make time for me. So I sat him down and spoke to him earnestly about it. Since then, things have massively improved and he been making a massive effort. We now make sure that we have at least 2 evenings together a week.

That's how things should work in a marriage. Yes, you'll always have ups and downs and there'll definitely be rough patches. But you work through it together and compromise.

Other posters are right. You're not his wife, you're his housekeeper. It's time to leave and live your life while you still have the chance.

[Coyoacan]

I don't agree with all the suggestions about how he should rearrange his hours, as it is not up to the OP. If she says that should see less of his friends , she is the bad guy, likewise if she tries to alter the time with the children or studying.

All you seem to be getting out of this relationship is housework, OP.

[OVienna]

I think as another poster said, I'd be plotting my exit plan if I were you. What do your own parents and RL friends think? Late 20s us very young. It does sound to me like he's taking advantage of you. I bet you'd love to hear his ex-wife's side of things...

[Butterymuffin]

. His parents are very religious and didn't like the fact that we lived together before we got married.

Utterly hypocritical of them to blame you for this when their son did it too. Also he's split with his previous partner/wife and mother of his children so if they're 'very religious' they should have a problem with him over that. Don't feel bad on this score, they can't claim the moral high ground with double standards like that. You're well rid of the lot of them, frankly.

[Motoko]

You seem like a spare part OP. You haven't been integrated into his family. You're not the children's step mother as you don't spend any time with them and have no relationship with them. You've said that you don't feel that you should go out with them and their dad, but you're married, you should!

My children did have relationships with their dad's girlfriends. When he had them, they would all go out together. They even spent time (including christmas) with the girlfriends families.
They were so close to one of his girlfriends, who he'd been with a few years, that when they were splitting up, my ex came and told me before he told them, to give me a heads up if they were upset.

And those women weren't even married to him.

You really need to reassess your relationship. It concerns me that even when you went out for a coffee on a Sunday, he was complaining about spending that short time with you. I don't think he cares much about you. He just cares that your being there helps to facilitate his life.

[ohfortuna]

If your dh stops studying, he will fill that time with something else

I agree!
OP is likely hanging on because of the belief that one day the studying will be over and she will feel like part of a couple
to me it looks like he spends as little time as possible with his wife and he absolutely will find another get out when the studying is done

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes it sounds as though you are bottom of his priorities, so does he moan at the lads that he has to see them then! I expect not! I would be having a make or break talk with him, guage his reaction of where you go from there.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would not be having any kids with him.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

Yes I actually asked him whether he moans at his boss, friends or kids because they are stopping him from studying too. He laughed and told me not to be ridiculous!

[SuperPug]

Strawberry, they sound delightful . Judgemental, for no reason, as well.
Not the same situation exactly but I remember watching The Holiday (weird example I know) and one of the characters being told that she was supporting role in her own life. For a very fluffy film, that really got to me at the time. Your DH sounds selfish and his family don't sound better. On top of that, you're having to parent his kids as he can't be bothered.
Sorry if it sounded quite blunt before. I've just been in situations where I wish I'd put myself first.
Please, please don't tolerate this rubbish over the holidays. If it's like this, you owe yourself some self care.
I'm not one for ultimatiums either but now seems like a good time.
Good luck

[SuperPug]

Just seen you are late twenties.
I met my DH after a lot of rubbish in my late twenties. I know age doesn't make a difference (anyone ideally should get out of a rubbish situation) but I can see where you are coming from with kids etc.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Then ask him, why it isen't ridiculous that he moans at time spend with you. I seriously would be dumping him.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would also sit down, and ask him, why he is with you, if he resents spending time with you, mabey its time to call it a day, as its clearly not working.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

What the hell, is he trying to avoid spending time with you or something?! Taking his kids to his parents twice each week is excessive. He could make that once a fortnight and that would be more than enough IMO. Seeing his mates every week is excessive too considering how little time he has to chill out with you. As for washing his car every week, well, seems that yet another way of avoiding you.

Does he even accept how little time he has for you? If not, have you tried getting a calendar with the hours marked on it and colour code all the time he's working, studying, out with mates, etc, so that he can really see just how little he's with you? Spelt out in visual form?

I'd find it incredibly hurtful to have to talk a partner into spending more time with me, especially if I'd already spelt the problem out to him before. For that reason I think you'd be well within your rights to leave, either temporarily or permanently. He probably wouldn't even notice you're not there other than his dinner isn't cooked, the house is a mess and you're not beside him in bed.

I am late 20s and would like to have a baby in the not too distant future
Do you really want to have children with a man who is so bad at parenting though? He undermines his ex's hard work by not having boundaries, so what makes you think he'd be any different with your children?

[Arrietty123]

Op please don't have kids with this man. He has put you right at the bottom of his list of priorities and that's not right. You are still v young and have plenty of time to meet the right person for you. I know that it's much easier said than done but he treats you like a live in house keeper. He appears to not appreciate you at all or to have any interest in spending time with you. You sound lovely and really deserve much better.

[speakout]

OP you have a lucky break.

Get rid.

[KingLooieCatz]

Thank goodness you are realising now, before having children with him, so there's plenty of time to get over him, enjoy some singledom, meet someone who deserves you and treats you well before, hopefully, starting a family with the right man.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

He just offered to help with some household stuff. He asked me what needs doing and I said well the bathroom needs cleaning. His response was how do I do that? I.e getting me to 'show' him (read do it for him). He is mid 30s and has never cleaned a bathroom. Give me strength! Guess what...no one ever showed me how to clean a bathroom either, you just use common sense. He is now taking the bin out instead.

[Arrietty123]

So how did he manage before you lived together? He's being deliberately useless to get out of doing household chores.