Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

How long have you been married?

You’re so young, this relationship isn’t giving you anything and he sounds useless. I never say leave but you’ll end up wasting your best years and end up with nothing to show for it!

I think his freighning ignorance about doing chores, is so that you will do them. I would get out if I were you.

His response was how do I do that?

Tell him to Google it. Seriously - if he's studying then that means that he's researching. So he should have adequate skills to go and fin the source material for how to clean a bathroom.

Don't give into this deliberate helplessness.

We've been married 2.5 years, together longer though. I know this sounds bad I'm scared of getting divorced. I'm worried that people will judge me and think that I'm a failure. Also I think what man would want a woman who is divorced in her twenties

That's not judging anyone who is divorced by the way. I certainly wouldn't judge (I am married to a divorced man). Divorce happens for many reasons. But I feel like some people would.

If anyone judges you for being divorced then they're not worth bothering with anyway. Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life being this man's housekeeper/servant or do you want to find someone you can be in an actual, equal partnership with?

I have zero tolerance for any kind of fuckwittery in relationships and have ended several ltr's if they do not pull their own weight. Met my current partner in my 30s and it's the best, most equal and communicative relationship I've ever had (which is exactly what I was looking for!). We've dc and he's a keeper Really you're so young, don't put up with this bullshit.

I feel like a time-machine has brought the 1950s onto the internet. You are married to someone who doesn't even know how to clean the bathroom? You think nobody will want to marry you if you are divorced?

You know, OP, I am in my sixties and was divorced at 21, I don't remember anyone thinking twice about it. And I honestly didn't realise that there were so many young people where the wife does all the housework still, until I got on Mumsnet. The 1950s were in fact better, because women didn't have to work fulltime as well as doing the housework

I am astounded

Your husband is having a laugh at your expense strawberry

It reads like he doesn't have time for a girlfriend in his life right now. Imagine you were in the first few dates and you found out the his was how busy he was, you just wouldn't get involved would you - for one coffee a week ? I would get out.

Maybe he is nice, maybe he is not, but it seems like you have met and married him at a time when he has not really got any time for you. I would not settle for a life of service to someone else's priorities. I would seriously consider taking a break if he doesn’t show some more committment to you. Go away for a bit. Build a seperate life. Or sit down together and agree what your shared goals and priorities are.

@Coyoacan but this is what it is still like for lots of people. Except like you said women now often work full time too and yet are expected to do the majority of everything else. I know lots of friends whose partners do no/little housework either.

Also as some posters have asked. I am now refusing to have sex with him. I can't be intimate with someone who does not care about of value my feelings. This seems to annoy him even more then me 'nagging' him to spend time with me.

True colours showing ... I am so sorry. I hope you escape soon.

So he moans about having to spare an hour to spend time with you, but still expects sex? That's really insulting. Isn't there a saying about the reason for men paying for sex is so the woman will go away afterwards? That's what he seems to want from you, only without having to pay!

What's your housing situation, OP? Is it owned jointly or by one of you, or if you rent, whose name is it in?

So he's annoyed you're not having sex
Jesus op
Ok sorry it just gets worse.
His housekeeper no longer wants to service him.
I suggest to him he gets a real housekeeper who works on the side, and you find yourself someone who respects you as a human

One Friday a month with his mates! Sorry but if he literally has zero time for u then his mates need to be the ones he sees the least of!

My hubby works 4am-7pm mon-sat. He would rather spend Sunday's with me than his mates aside from the odd occasion where he gets invited out to watch footy or just casual lads get together pencilled in on a Saturday night.

If your dh had a couple evenings spare then there would be nothing wrong with weekly/every other week meeting his lads.

But if he hasn't a single day/night then you should be first priority.

I read this last night and didn't answer as I'd had a 'pissed off with the thoughtless hubby' day and was worried about it colouring my view.

You are a housekeeper. Im so sorry sweetheart. Those vows mean a lot but it needs 2 to uphold them.

Do you know why his first marriage ended and did his first wife leave him? It almost sounds to me as though he is keeping you out of his life to some extent to protect himself so that it is easier on him if your marriage fails.

The little charade where he pretends to be helpful and offers to clean and then doesn’t know how to clean a fucking toilet....

What a prick. What a childish waste of your time.

You are so young. Divorce is never a failure, it shows someone who has lived and made tough choices and has the courage of their convictions.

There is ZERO honour or success in sticking with a marriage which makes you miserable. It’s just a useless sacrifice on the alter of ‘What Will People Say?!?’

Think about this if it were the other way around. Would he be satisfied with spending quality time with you just one evening in three? No. When you slip behind his mates in the priorities list then it is time for some hard decisions. He probably sees that you being in the same house and sleeping in the same bed as "seeing you". Being supportive when he has so much on is not the same as being a doormat.

I'm sorry, he's just not that into you. Please find someone who adores you. You deserve better.

You're worrying unnecessarily about divorce. Nobody thinks a divorced person is a failure. Did you think he was?

I separated from my husband when I had 2 children. My next partner accepted that I came with children and we had a child together. 8 years later, we split up. When I met my 2nd husband, I had 3 children and two relationships behind me.
We've now been together for 18 years. This one is for keeps!

I just want to point out that being divorced or having children doesn't stop you from ever having a relationship again, so don't let that stop you from leaving.

He spends no time with you, wants a shag and a cleaned bathroom. I think he married someone younger because he thought he could do exactly as he pleased and you would go along with it.

Oh and my gorgeous DH married me, divorced and all. And he does housework. You can trade up.

Yanbu, it's clear op. This is far from what a marriage should be. You shouldn't have to ask your husband to 'make time' for you. Seems like you are so far down his list of priorities. As you said yourself, actions speak louder than words.