Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

He's got time for everyone in his life that is important to him. You're not on the list. Why would you waste your life on this, aren't you worth better? Would he even notice if you weren't there? Don't waste your youth and your fertility on a selfish man, you'll never get anything back other than misery .

Sounds like you have a better relationship with his children's mother than him. He's her ex for a reason. You're probably in the process of discovering that reason.

Why would you want children with someone who is already a shit father to his existing kids? He doesn’t set boundaries, doesn’t really parent on his own except once a week, does no housework at all...please don’t throw away your best years on this guy and have children with him...you’ll end up run down and full of regrets. His actions are not those of a responsible, loving partner.
My DH is working 50hours a week and is also studying. Lectures two evenings a week and about 6-8 hours of studying at the weekend. He still finds time for us.

Your standards are way too low of you're willing to accept an odd Friday night together.

He should be pulling his weight with all the domestic chores too.

How can you accept a relationship where you have to pretty much beg for attention and be the domestic drudge of the house too??

I am late 20s and would like to have a baby in the not too distant future. I don't think I could do this with him with how he is at the moment. If he has no time for me he would have no time for a child either

I didn't realise you are only in your 20s😮. Is he (much) older than you? What on earth are you doing with him?..these are your good years. You're young, time to find a whole new life and world. Yet you're reduced to begging for crumbs of time from Mr Elusive who already has children, broken relationship and must turn up dutifully at mummy & daddy's each week with his children? Why do you want him as a father for your child?

I hope you're not even considering a child with this man. Ever. If you're scared to leave then get support in real life, or here.

I can't begin to tell you how quickly the years fly. Blink, and you'll be 40 and sunken into misery. Get out now. At your age you shouldn't even be in this nonsense situation. Well it's rubbish at any age but young, no children?! Stop it.

He is 9 years older than me. We are married though which is supposed to mean something.

MistressDeeCee

I don't know if it is the 'sitting behind the keyboard anonymously', or if lots of MNers are like this in real life, but it seems to me people on MN will often move so quickly towards saying "Leave him" / "Why waste your life with him" / "Get out now".
I can't speak for anyone else, but when I got married, I did it because I really loved my dh. We also realised that life was unlikely to be a bed of roses for the next 60 years, and that there would be good times and not so good times. Hence the bit in the marrigae ceremony about 'for better or worse / in sickness and health / etc. Knowing, when you got together, that he already had an ex, and children, makes that even more of a decision at the time that you took.
Don't just throw away all you've had, and all you hoped for or dreamed of without working at it first.
Tell him you need to have a serious sit down and talk - don't do it when you are angry or in the middle of an argument - make a time to sit down together in advance. Tell him this is serious. Tell him how you feel. Lay everything on the table. Tell him you are seriously asking yourself what you are getting out of the relationship at the moment. Tell him that you want a baby but are afraid he won't make time to parent your child. Let him think. Ask him how together you can work this out.
But put the effort into finding ways to make it work. You must have loved him in the first place - tell him that it is important you work together to rekindle that love.

Walk away from this relationship, you can do better. Good Luck.

Marriage means love friendship commitment companionship, compromise consideration. What is there, without that...?

It doesn't mean Housekeeper. Or that a ring is a prison. Still, it's your life and situation so if the marriage is important to you then I do wish you luck and success luck with it.

ohfortuna thank you😉

You wouldn't think you were married though from all this. You sound like a very tangential part of his life when you should be at its centre. And if you had children with him, it would be like this for them too. Look for a better dad for your children. This isn't the way a marriage should be.

& people on MN don't tend to say "leave" immediately, as has been suggested. Most know that posters aren't silly, they tend to arrive here for advice after talks haven't worked.

As you said - you've already talked this situation out more than once and nothing has changed. No-one here is out to force you into leaving, that's impossible anyway. It is simply advice based on circumstances as presented.

Good luck.

He needs to start doing chores too. Start with that.
The kids should be at his house with him and you. His parents can come and visit one of the evenings.
Sunday’s can be your full day together. He can’t study all the time he’s got too much on his plate plus working full time. What’s he studying for?
Can you see friends together on Fridays? You join him? Then other nights he sees your friends with you?

Sorry OP, but it's pretty much LTB from me. Please do talk to him and lay it out clearly as suggested upthread - however, I get the nasty feeling that he won't be willing to push you up his priority list. Please don't have children with him unless this is resolved - and if he's not going to change, don't carry on being his unpaid and unappreciated housekeeper. Get out.

No matter how busy people are they can make time for the things that matter to them. If he’s not making time for you it’s because you matter less than his friends, his parents and his kids. I’d be telling him to sort out his priorities.

I think you need to sit down with a calendar and a highlighter and explain to him that, he may have neglected his friends during his last marriage but this time he is neglecting his wife. Both marriages are going to end the same way.

I think he should leave his children for one full evening a week with his parents while he does something with you. Then you both can take the children the other evening together. He does have a lot on!

Even if there was no studying though, the way you describe him makes me think, is there a small chance that he has aspergers, especially if his children are communicating by their behavior too? Just the way you describe him getting overwhelmed with fitting everything in and being unable to prioritise who is important. Apologies if I am totally wrong, he just sounds so similar to a few people very close to me who have it. (not that it’s a bad thing to have! It’s just helpful to understand why a person is acting a certain way)
Again apologies if I am wrong in suggesting that. I hope I have not worded that badly or offended anyone.

Regardless it sounds Ike a lonely life and you are very young, but it’s your life and I just wanted to wish you all the best x

@BackforGood I know marriage isn't always going to be a bed of roses. Yes, I knew he had an ex and children when we got married but I don't really know what you are getting at here because they are not the problem. As I said before his ex and I get on v well so no issues there and she is a great Mum. He needs to have his kids the two nights a week and Saturdays. That won't change for the foreseeable future and I am fine with this and always have been since we first met.
But throw in the fact he is choosing to have them at his parents for those 2 work nights, long work hours, studying two nights a week until bedtime, studying on sundays, friends every Friday night and we have a problem.
I took my vows seriously. I have supported him and make time for him. Surely the question isn't a matter of whether I took my vows seriously. I did and am doing my part. Where is his support and consideration for my needs? I took my vows seriously but did he? I can't stay in a one sided relationship forever. I maybe could for the next 2.5 years whilst he is studying if he promised that after he would devote that time to me. But the reality of doing that is very hard.
Lots of posters are telling me to leave because they are thinking about me and are concerned for my well-being not because they always tell people to leave. They might be speaking from experience and know that it is unlikely to get better. I am taking on everyone's thoughts and opinions to get a better perspective. Initially I thought I might have been being a bit unreasonable because I need to support him when he is busy. But it's a two sided relationship and he needs to support me too.

I had a problem with DH and was not sure whether I would leave or stay. I packed my bags and went to my dad's for a couple of weeks to think things over.By day 10 he was begging me to come back. I finally got him to listen to me and I went back. The behaviour has never returned. Now I'm not suggesting you do the same but you need to find a way to get him to listen to you ,for me face to face didn't work. Maybe don't do all the jobs you do for him in protest. If you don't get this sorted things will always go downhill

If you are going to end up leaving then it would be surely better to do so now, whilst you are still young. If you want to be a mum, it would surely be better to have a child with someone who will have time for you and your child and with whom you are basically on the same page parenting-wise.

When you have detailed to him how the week works out, what is his response?? Is he not rather embarrassed that he spends no time with you at all??

Is he able to take a break from the studying for a year out, so that you can re-connect?

I can see that he must be very stressed and torn but then he can't have everything.

Maybe you could study too and then agree to actually go out on a night together in 2.5 years time! It is a crazy situation and I do feel for you.

He just gets stressed and says he needs to study.
I've done more than enough studying myself and I don't want to do any more at the moment.

I think in your shoes I would be working on my Escape Plan.... even if it is only provisional

Wow sounds like he’s got the best of both worlds. A wife to do all the chores and wifework, yet getting to live like a single man.

It sounds like he’s very unwilling to make sacrifices. When you have kids and get married, sometimes you have to accept you won’t have time for studying, even if it helps your career, and can’t see your mates every week.

I feel like even if you sat this guy down and had a big talk, he would grudgingly change for a while then change back in a few months. Do you really want to have kids with him? In a couple of years time do you want to be posting on Mumsnet about how your DH never sees your baby and you’re stuck home alone with them and going mad? Unfortunately, that could be your future.

Oh strawberry my heart goes out to you.
I would suggest you consider YOUR priorities and work towards them.
If you are willing to work on this 'relationship' come up with some practical solutions e.g.:
Sunday-reserved for couple time even if just chilling at home...if he wants to read up on his studies can't some of that be done sitting on the sofa with you while you also read or watch tv?
Saturday-he gets up to noon to study, after that couple time. Surely he CD fit in some study during lunch hr at work?
Friday's- 1/3 or 1/4 with his mates. Rest with you. Perhaps his friends have partners and you could do some couples night's out?
Anyway consider what you would accept. Present that to him. Good luck.

Gosh, you're married?! You've shocked me. This reads like you've been casually dating for 6 months and just moved in with him. I feel so sad for you.

Yes, people get busy but for goodness sake there are ways of managing this. Ok so the extra study is tough. He could see his friends far less (or have them and their partners over so you can join in the fun). He should be having his children over to your house on weeknights so YOU can build a bond with them. His parents clearly see the children far more than lots of grandparents (my parents see their grandchildren every few months) and I'm sorry but that's secondary to your marriage. They need other interests. Saturdays - well it's lovely taking the children out but that must be expensive and tiring at worst. Nothing wrong with being at home, all going for a walk together, playing a board game, watching films etc. Building time together as a family, which is what you're supposed to be.

You are getting a very, very raw deal and yes things might improve but most likely they won't. If your dh stops studying, he will fill that time with something else.

You deserve so much better and there is definitely someone else out there who will want to spend time with you.