Dh doesn't have time for me

[strawberrymarshmallow]

NC incase this outs me...

My dh never seems to have any time for me.

During the week he starts work early and generally finishes about 6pm. Mon & tues after work he then has lectures and study until around 10pm. Wed & thur nights he leaves work a bit earlier and has his kids. He generally sees them at his parents house and not at ours as otherwise his parents complain that they don't see enough of their grandchildren. Fridays he generally sees his friends (lads night only type thing). Saturdays he has the kids at our house and generally takes them out somewhere. I sometimes join in on this but just feel a bit like a spare part. I also don't want to infringe on their quality time with their dad. Sundays he spends all day studying or doing tasks like washing the car etc.

I try my best not to complain about never spending any time together as he is very busy and stressed but it's been getting me down lately. I also do all of the household stuff like cleaning, tidying and diy that he doesn't have time to do but I'm starting to feel like a bit of a push over. I also work full time.

Today he said that it's my fault that he doesn't get to study more because on Sundays I am always trying to distract him to do something with me. I said to him that he makes time for everything else in his life and I am questioning why I am not important to him. If we go out for a coffee on Sunday he will moan the whole time that he should be studying and doesn't value the time spent with me.

I'm thinking about leaving him. I feel like I am just his cook and cleaner. I care so much about him and he acts like he doesn't even give my feelings a second thought.

I don't know what the solution is. Obviously he needs to go to work, study for this qualification (he needs to get to the next stage in his career), he needs to see his kids and his friends. I can't ask him to cut down on doing any of these things because it wouldn't be right of me to do so. He legitimately has to do it all. But I am feeling lonely and surely my needs and feelings are worth something too.

I probably am being unreasonable but just needed to vent.

[ohfortuna]

He is working on improving himself and maintaining his social life
and you're working for him
Not much in it for you is there....

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

My ex was like this. Put me at the bottom of the pile for years. My biggest regret in life is that I left him when I was 46 instead of leaving him when I was 36.

[Coyoacan]

I'm sorry OP, but I think it is time to cut your losses. He may love you, just be taking you for granted and need a wake-up-call but you cannot continue like this.

[iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats]

What’s in it for you? You know this isn’t how it is meant to be. How long after his break up did you get together? He’s got too much going on and you are letting him take you for granted. Time to leave or resign yourself to martyrdom or put yourself forward.

[fruitbrewhaha]

It doesn't read well.
Why does he have to see his children at his parents house? He could do that once a week, or pop in a on a saturday.
Why do you feel like a spare part on Saturdays if you join them. Surly they do fun stuff you could enjoy sometimes?
Why does he have to see his friends every week? We don't do that. And why is it a lads night? Why can't you join them? Do these other lads have partners. Couldn't you all go out together?

It does seem to me that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
Sorry, you must be feeling quite lonely.

[ReanimatedSGB]

How long have you been with this man, and how long has he been ignoring you, or treating you as a useful domestic appliance he can occasionally stick his dick in?
And where is/was your life? Were you lonely/shy/desperate/recently out of an awful relationship when you met him? Do you have any friends?
I don't think there is any benefit to you at all in staying with him.

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

I bet he still manages to find time for sex.

[Huskylover1]

Weds and Thu he should have the children at your home, and it should be family time. Perhaps once a month he could see his parents with them. Who on earth spends 8 evenings at month at their parents?

Saturday's you really should be accompanying him and the kids. You are not a spare part, you are his Partner and their step mum. What happens Saturday night?

At least one Friday a month he can take you out instead of meeting pals.

That's how I'd approach it.

[ohfortuna]

You really are just a free housekeeping Service for him
Your job is just to tidy up and shut up so he can get on with his own life

[strawberrymarshmallow]

His parents get very upset if they don't get to see them. He could probably drop this down to once a week at his parents so he has one week night with them here. Saturdays they stay over.
I like his kids and don't get me wrong they are nice, well natured kids but they are also very challenging. It's not just me who thinks this, my Dh does, their mum does, other family members and teachers are constantly complaining at school that they are badly behaved in class etc. Both have been tested for special needs but do not have them. Honestly after a few hours with them I am exhausted, I don't know how their Mum does it. Dh doesn't really set any boundaries for them and that is frustrating as I cannot intervene. Their Mum does her very best at setting boundaries, but she is so busy too and they are not with her all the time so their is no consistency.

[WildRosesGrow]

I was going to post suggestions to spend more time together, e.g. Wednesday evenings you all spend together, Thursday at his parents (with or without you depending on what you prefer) and most Fridays together.

However it sounds like your husband is not going to want to change anything. What's the betting that 'his ex not letting him see his friends' is actually her experiencing similar neglect in favour of his lads' nights out?

He also doesn't sound like a great Dad - for children with behavioural problems, consistency and boundary setting are essential. You and their Mum are both aware of this, but your gem of a husband won't stick to it. If you do want to stick things out, then I would recommend spending more time with your stepchildren though, as the only way to stop feeling like a spare part is get to know them better really, however tough that can be.

We all want to support our partners when they've got a lot on. I've studied for (accountancy) exams too but still managed to spend at least one night a week out with my husband. And at least spent time in the same room on the evenings I was studying, or checking in with him when I could - texting on the bus home from lectures etc. I also would have never expected him to do all the housework. We've always prioritised money for a cleaner and regular babysitter, and are happy to cut back in other areas to remove some of the pressure points. Could you afford a cleaner between you? He can certainly make time to stick on a load of washing or fill the dishwasher, these are 10 minute jobs that we all need to share in.

You need to talk to him, good luck, I hope he is more receptive than I fear.

[Thebluedog]

Judge him by his actions! If he wanted to spend time with you, he would find the time to do so. His actions speak louder words.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

@WildRosesGrow I'm going to talk to him about those exact suggestions and see how it goes. I think if he was here one more night weekdays (with kids) and we spent most Friday nights together it could make all the difference. Haha that is so true, honestly when he says that about her not letting him see his friends I am like really!? Having met her, she is a really lovely person - we get on pretty well actually. I doubt she would never ever let him see his friends . Yes if he could put his plate in the dishwasher that would be progress

[Coyoacan]

Dh doesn't really set any boundaries

That is a form of neglect. Children need boundaries to feel secure. He is sounding less and less worthwhile as you keep on posting.

[Huskylover1]

I like his kids and don't get me wrong they are nice, well natured kids but they are also very challenging. It's not just me who thinks this, my Dh does, their mum does, other family members and teachers are constantly complaining at school that they are badly behaved in class etc. Both have been tested for special needs but do not have them. Honestly after a few hours with them I am exhausted, I don't know how their Mum does it

Uugh, sorry, but I just couldn't be doing with this. It's hard enough being a step parent, without the extra of the above.

[Worriedrose]

Oh dear op
It sounds worse actually.

[BestZebbie]

Maximum of every other week with his friends - his studying is his 'hobby'.
I'd also suggest that he sees his kids at yours one evening per week, and to make up for this, once a month the grandparents take the children out for the day by themselves (he can be there at start/end etc for some time, but give them the quality time they are looking for). He can study then to free up Sunday, or spend that day with you.

[BackforGood]

It is difficult when you are at that stage in life when you are working hard and having to study. It is relentless, but, in agreeing to do this, dp needs to look at what he drops and what he carries on with to maintain the rest of his life.
My suggestions would be :

1. Agree to see friends once a month rather than once a week (still seems quite a lot for a 30 something adult with a partner, kids, long hours in his job and also studying for a qualification)
   
2. Drop contact with his parents to once a week (again, is a lot more than many families manage, and they need to understand he needs to make time to study)
   
3. Join them when he spends time at his parents, or invite the Grandparents to you, or alternate week on week (whichever suits you). You spend time with him, GPs spend time with dc, all over in one day
   
4. Joint them on Saturdays. Make some of the time they are there normal family things - for example, them helping him wash the car if he wants to, or cooking with them, ot decorating the tree together at this time of year, or a spot of gardening in the Summer or whatever, so you all spend time together but also get some (more fun jobs - for dc) done as well.
   
5. Relax about things like washing the car - it really doesn't need to happen every week.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

He's said he will try to make time for me. He has said this before though and nothing changes. I think I know I need to leave. If not permanently at least for a while so he can see what he is missing. Very sad situation.

[tobitcoinornottobitcoin]

Strawberry - that sounds a very lonely existence. Hope you find someone else who has more time to nurture your relationship.

[MistressDeeCee]

You are there to cook clean wash provide a comfortable home. But that's it. Convenience.

This man does not love you. People who love you will be mindful of spending at least some time with you, because they miss you and your company. He's not even bothered to hide that you aren't a priority and he is avoiding one on one time with you. Anything beyond maintaining the home and you are "in his way"

You've some lonely years ahead of you, if you stay with him. Years in which you could find yourself and a new life. & a new man, who actually wanted a life relationship and companionship with you.

Aren't you bored of him? In your shoes I couldn't maintain the interest, to be honest.

[strawberrymarshmallow]

I am late 20s and would like to have a baby in the not too distant future. I don't think I could do this with him with how he is at the moment. If he has no time for me he would have no time for a child either.

[FinallyHere]

Very sorry, I am afraid that I agree that your assessment is correct. What what you describe, he does nit have any time for you and would not be suitable as a farther for your child. The soon pu disentangle from him, the better.

[Fluffychickenmonkey]

This sounds like shit for you, you are so young with your whole life ahead. Leave for a while abd get away from this loser.

[Worriedrose]

Think very seriously where you want to be in 5 years
Because if things don't change you'll be back here, asking the same question but you'll be mid thirties.
I say this as someone who buried their head for years, didn't leave till I was 37 should have left at 32
Now 39 and single
It's not a fun place to be