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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas cards and women changing their name upon marriage!

950 replies

mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 22:17

I am recently married and did not change my name.

I have been writing out my Christmas cards tonight and have realised that only 1 other woman I am posting to hasn't changed their name and another double barrelled theirs (he didn't).

Everyone else is Mr & Mrs {His Initial} Patriarchy.

I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older as I have started to question the norm Hmm more. Especially since reading the feminist boards on here.

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!

I am going to get slaughtered here aren't I??

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 15/12/2017 22:56

Shake away.

I'd got all the forms filled out to change my name by deed poll when I met DH. My father was an abusive areshole and I wanted rid of any connection with him. Things between DH and I moved quickly and we were married within 2 years so for a while I was too wrapped up in our new romance to send off the forms and then I knew we were going to be married so it seemed easier (and cheaper) to wait. These days I'm happy that our whole family shares the same surname.

I don't actually give a shit what anyone else thinks.

chocolateworshipper · 15/12/2017 22:56

Myself and DH joined our surnames together when we got married. I am well aware that our own children won't want to double-barrell a double-barrelled surname though! I hope they marry people who will have an open discussion with them about what they both want. I am related to a man who changed his surname to his wife's surname - it was their choice.

I do absolutely HATE being addressed with my DH's first initial though - drives me utterly insane. I didn't change my surname to his, so why the hell would anyone think I changed my first name to his Angry
Our surname is so unusual, it's not like the postman would ever think "oh I wonder which chocolate-worshipper family this is for at 1, The Street - if only they'd included an initial"

Justcallmecaptainobvious · 15/12/2017 22:57

I'll be flamed alongside you OP Grin.

I'm happy that everyone makes their own choice, but it makes me sad when I look at all the couples I know who've married recently, and I see just how many of the women have changed their names. I have no problem with it on an individual level, I just find it sad that it is still the done thing.

I have seen some other options recently though - two friends merged their names to make a new one, and another's husband changed his name to hers (and was outright laughed at during the wedding, and puts up with loads of crap for it since). We've kept our names (but socially we both double barrel).

Everyone saying "I want the same name as my children" - yes, so do I. But there's an inherent assumption in your argument that the children must have their father's name! As a pp said, these decisions are not made in a vacuum.

KathArtic · 15/12/2017 22:57

Bet youv'e got a ring on your finger though??

soapboxqueen · 15/12/2017 22:59

Again. Keeping your birth name instead of changing it at marriage is not the same thing as taking your husbands name.

Yes some people have genuine reasons for changing their name but that doesn't account for why so few men do it.

OwlinaTree · 15/12/2017 23:00

Children should have their mother's name. For many people that is also the father's name if they have married and born have the same name.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2017 23:00

The issue for me isnt women changing their name. I use my maiden name and dont judge women who do take their husbands name, its the assumption that pisses me off. That because I am married I must, by default, have changed my name.

OwlinaTree · 15/12/2017 23:00

Both not born sorry

BunsOfAnarchy · 15/12/2017 23:01

Calm. The. Fuck. Down.
Everyone has a choice. Stop asking why.

I want to know WHY you can't understand something as simple as BECAUSE WE WANT TO

Jeez Louise first time in 6 months I've wanted to reach for bottle of tequila.

I'd hate to be married to you.

PoorYorick · 15/12/2017 23:01

You're not a feminist but you are very dull.

strawberrypenguin · 15/12/2017 23:02

I changed my name. I have my own identity. It was my choice, my DH wouldn’t have mined if I wanted to keep my name.

Why’s it so hard to understand that people might make a different choice from you?

LadyGAgain · 15/12/2017 23:02

One of my male friends from
University changed his (very popular) surname to his now wife's surname as they both preferred hers. It's not beyond the realm of possibility OP!

grumpysquash3 · 15/12/2017 23:02

OP, I am with you.
I didn't change my name. I was 30 when I got married, with a career, a flat, lots of documentation in my name. So I just didn't bother. It wasn't any less of a commitment getting married. I don't have the same surname as my children, which is fine. No-one has ever questioned that I am their mother.
20 years on, there is no-one in my family (except one sister and one cousin) who respects this. Everyone else addresses me as Mrs DH-surname even though I am Dr Grumpy.
It's a bit annoying, but TBH there are worse things in the world.

Original poster
mulledoverwine · 15/12/2017 23:04

And still noone has answered why...

You may think you have - I changed my name because I wanted to share the same name as my husband/children. That's not WHY.

Yes I have probably been unreasonably angry on my original post. I posted in AIBU so expected the answers. I have a lot of other shit going on right now and didn't, for the first time, name change to post a different kind of thread. My last thread in this name is actually where I am at right now. I have had too much wine and have vented. My husband has just phoned and now there is more shit going on relating to the first thread i posted in this name.

Go ahead and have a go. I made a mistake posting this tonight after 1 glass too many.

I guess my point was it doesn't matter what your name is, your own family is still your family. It doesn't matter what you change it to. I'm going now because I've fucked this right up!

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 15/12/2017 23:06

Plenty of people have answered why.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2017 23:06

OP... does starting a thread like this give you some misguided sense of purpose? That you've actually done something useful?

I'm starting to think that some of the very vocal so-called feminists of now, distract themselves from gainful activism by prodding women, impotently, about things that really don't correlate to anything meaningful.

What is this about? You having a little rant because women change their names on marriage? Whilst you didn't? You had a choice, we all had a choice but only yours was valid... is that it?

Kindly stop berating women for their choices. Find something actually useful to do for humankind - or just post on a chatboard like the rest of us, but stop pretending to yourself that you are doing something of any worth by heckling other women. It's just sad.

Blatherskite · 15/12/2017 23:08

I think you'll find you do have a lot of 'why's.

Although no one actually has to give you one. It's none of your business.

PoorYorick · 15/12/2017 23:09

However, if you want another one to ignore, because my father was abusive and my husband isn't. So if I was going to have one of their names, I'd rather it was the man to whom I chose to be related and actually love. Plus my maiden name was shit and my married one is nice.

It's such a pity that "because I choose to" isn't enough of a reason for a supposed feminist.

MaisyPops · 15/12/2017 23:09

People have said why.

Personally, i wasn't going to change out of principle and hypenating didnt work (and what do you do wgen 2 children with hyphrnated names marry?). Then I realised i preferred DH's namr over my difficult to spell name so decided I'd have an easier life. Grin

I do also want our family to have thr same name.

PeonyBucket · 15/12/2017 23:09

But WHY are the women changing their names?? Why not the men?

I have a friend whose husband changed his name to hers on marriage. His original surname sounded like a very rude word. Getting married gave him an opportunity to make a change.
Meh. Doesn't bother me either way. I know a few women who kept their own surname as long as 30 years ago. It's not that new a concept. Every woman nowadays knows they can choose either way
and nobody will turn a hair. You just have to make sure everybody is aware so that they aren't left guessing.

LardLizard · 15/12/2017 23:11

Every year I get a card or two addressed to me and mrs should first initial or name
Then our surname

I actually find it very rude

Why can’t they just put mr n mrs lizard ?

I would have preferred to keep my own surname
But it seemed like such a big deal too do and if I had got married older I think I would have
But it was like I could t face the opposition against it
Which is what we have been socially conditioned to except

donquixotedelamancha · 15/12/2017 23:11

I just want to shake every woman who changes their name!!
I am quite enraged by it all! I have become more feminist as I have got older
I think you misspelled fascist. Feminists want equality and choice for women. You want them to do as they are told.

But WHY are the women changing their names?? Why not the men?

"It's a tradition, or and old charter, or something" It's definitely because societies have historically been patriarchal, but YABU to assume that those women are anything other than happy, equal partners based solely on the name they choose today.

So why should i have to be the one that changes her whole identity just because I married a man

You don't have to. Freedom to choose means just that. I don't really think it makes a difference to equality whether women take their husband's surname or not. What's important is for the choice to be normalised.

Battyboo82 · 15/12/2017 23:12

I agree with you OP.
Of COURSE people can do what they want but my opinion is that it seems to be the default that women have to change their names. How many men change their names? Not many - although there are a few. It annoys me that it's the default position that women change their name to match their husband. But also agree with others that marriage itself is outdated. I am unmarried, with two children and they have their father's name because my name is difficult to pronounce.

LardLizard · 15/12/2017 23:12

Dh even said to me one time about someone divorced who hadn’t revert to maiden surname
Why is she still keeping HIS name

I said well it’s not just his name anymore is it
It’s hers now too
Regardless if they divorce
It’s still her name
(Yes I know you CAN change it back )

bonbonours · 15/12/2017 23:12

You chose not to change your name. That's fine and none of my business. I, like many others chose to change mine. That's fine, and none of your business. I don't judge you for not changing your name, don't judge me for changing mine.

As far as the Mr and Mrs Hisinitial Hissurname thing, I have only ever had that from elderly relatives. I don't mind as that was what was the norm when they were younger. I have never ever known a person younger than 60 write that.